Ann Posted November 28, 2011 Share Posted November 28, 2011 I can hardly believe that it has been almost 9 long years since I lost my Dennis. Nine years...sounds like so long ago yet in my heart, it feels like days, not years. You know, this board is my "safe place." It's here that I can come and talk openly with friends, knowing they can understand what I'm saying and feeling. Funny, there are days that I strain to remember what happened on a certain day a month ago. Yet, in my mind, I can remember every minute of December 15, 2002 and the months leading up to that date. It's almost like watching a movie in slow motion. Every year at this time, my body and mind start telling me that something is "wrong." This usually starts a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving and I don't figure out what the problem is until I look at the calendar and discover just how close it is to December 15th. I can vividly recall that last Thanksgiving, as Dennis' entire family sat around the table with tears in their eyes, all thinking the same thing but no one speaking. We all watched as this man that loved Thanksgiving and his mother's cooking, managed to eat a few teaspoons of food before saying he was full. But, he remembered to tell his mother how good the food was, always the good son. We all knew that would be our last Thanksgiving together and it was almost like we were trying to take a mental photo of the day, one that would stay embedded in our mind forever. Looking back, I believe that this was when reality finally set in for me and I realized life would never be the same again. I had heard the doctor at every visit, never giving too much hope and being very honest with us. But...I continued to hope and believe that all my prayers would be answered. I remember taking him to the hospital for radiation five days after Thanksgiving. As we walked outside of the hospital, his nose began to bleed very badly. The blood was dripping onto the concrete and I was screaming for someone to help us. At that point, I realized just how bad things really were. Funny, I never knew how longs blood stains can remain on concrete. A few years ago, I had to visit someone at the hospital and passed by the same spot and guess what...the stains were still there...in the same place. While visiting a friend last week, I was drawn to walk out of my way and see if the stains were still there...and yes, they are. A part of me wanted to reach my fingers to the ground and touch the spots, hoping for some part of him to touch. Although life has moved on for me, my heart still breaks for what was and for what could have been. Each time I look at my grandchildren, I think of how Dennis would have loved them! Each year, when I decorate the Christmas tree, I remember how he loved Christmas and how badly he wanted to live for 10 more days to see one more Christmas. I remember him asking me every morning..."it is Christmas yet?" Sometimes, I wish I had just answered "yes, it's Christmas." Thanks for listening...and caring. Ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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