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That time of year............


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I can hardly believe that it has been almost 9 long years since I lost my Dennis. Nine years...sounds like so long ago yet in my heart, it feels like days, not years. You know, this board is my "safe place." It's here that I can come and talk openly with friends, knowing they can understand what I'm saying and feeling. Funny, there are days that I strain to remember what happened on a certain day a month ago. Yet, in my mind, I can remember every minute of December 15, 2002 and the months leading up to that date. It's almost like watching a movie in slow motion. Every year at this time, my body and mind start telling me that something is "wrong." This usually starts a couple of weeks before Thanksgiving and I don't figure out what the problem is until I look at the calendar and discover just how close it is to December 15th.

I can vividly recall that last Thanksgiving, as Dennis' entire family sat around the table with tears in their eyes, all thinking the same thing but no one speaking. We all watched as this man that loved Thanksgiving and his mother's cooking, managed to eat a few teaspoons of food before saying he was full. But, he remembered to tell his mother how good the food was, always the good son. We all knew that would be our last Thanksgiving together and it was almost like we were trying to take a mental photo of the day, one that would stay embedded in our mind forever.

Looking back, I believe that this was when reality finally set in for me and I realized life would never be the same again. I had heard the doctor at every visit, never giving too much hope and being very honest with us. But...I continued to hope and believe that all my prayers would be answered.

I remember taking him to the hospital for radiation five days after Thanksgiving. As we walked outside of the hospital, his nose began to bleed very badly. The blood was dripping onto the concrete and I was screaming for someone to help us. At that point, I realized just how bad things really were. Funny, I never knew how longs blood stains can remain on concrete. A few years ago, I had to visit someone at the hospital and passed by the same spot and guess what...the stains were still there...in the same place. While visiting a friend last week, I was drawn to walk out of my way and see if the stains were still there...and yes, they are. A part of me wanted to reach my fingers to the ground and touch the spots, hoping for some part of him to touch.

Although life has moved on for me, my heart still breaks for what was and for what could have been. Each time I look at my grandchildren, I think of how Dennis would have loved them! Each year, when I decorate the Christmas tree, I remember how he loved Christmas and how badly he wanted to live for 10 more days to see one more Christmas. I remember him asking me every morning..."it is Christmas yet?" Sometimes, I wish I had just answered "yes, it's Christmas."

Thanks for listening...and caring.

Ann

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Ah Ann, what a poignant post. When I was 29 my little sister was 24 and died on December 1. That thanksgiving was so sad because she was so sick she couldn't come to the dinner. I remember, like it was yesterday, making up a plate for her and bringing it to her. The picture is still crystal clear and she died in 1983.

I'm giving you a big warm hug right now, I know that sorrow. It was not my spouse, but still......hugs to you.

Judy in MI

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Ann,

I'm reading a novel - two characters have been recently widowed. The one who had regrets grieved for the woman he knew and what they did wrong. The one who loved deeply and had no regrets, grieves for the life they had not yet lived - the future that might have been. I found this an interesting insight. To want more time with our loved one - isn't that just the truest indication of this crazy thing called love?

Stephanie

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The one who had regrets grieved for the woman he knew and what they did wrong. The one who loved deeply and had no regrets, grieves for the life they had not yet lived - the future that might have been. I found this an interesting insight. To want more time with our loved one - isn't that just the truest indication of this crazy thing called love?

How true this is. I haven't lost a spouse but have lost a sibling and both parents and I grieve for the life we hadn't yet lived. My daddy died when my daughter was 10 months old - she will be 26 next month. He missed her whole life and SHE missed knowing her grand daddy. My mother died 12 years ago. How many conversations could we have had in 12 years? I miss them both so much.

Paulette

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  • 2 weeks later...

Well, today is December 15th and, once again, I feel numb. I think I am at peace with the world today, knowing that I have my angel watching over me and helping me along this path called life. Last night, as I closed my eyes to sleep, I prayed that God would give me the courage to carry on and to live for those that need me to live. I remembered the last night that Dennis was alive and God helped me to remember that all of those memories weren't wonderful ones. For Dennis, there was much pain, suffering and confusion. For me, my heart was broken and I was scared for what would happen, much as I am today. As I lay there, I recalled the little verse about loving something and being able to set it free. I loved Dennis more than life itself and I was able to set him free....free to be with God and free from the pain and agony that was filling his body. Funny, the last 8 Decembers have been bad, really bad but nothing compared to this one. One would think there is nothing particularly important about nine years. But...this has been the very worst. Maybe there's something important in my life that the number nine signifies...maybe I'm just getting older and the hurt is deeper. Whatever the reason, my heart is broken today!!!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ann I though of you on the 15th but was unable to post. I do understand what you mean about it seeming harder. Loosing my niece on the same day as Johnny had entered the hospital that last weekend didn't help.

I know that you have moved on with your life but I also know that some things never stop hurting. Take care my friend. I do understand. Lillian

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