marylou Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Hi. My Mom passed on Nov 28, 03. I think I must have been numb or something right after she left becase now it hurts so much more. Almost every single morning I cry when I go to work and then when I come home I am just so tired I can't do anything. Not eat or clean or return calls from friends. My Mom lived next door to me and she was my best friend. We had so much fun together. I talked to her every day. This month it started to hit me how lonely it is without my Mom to talk to everyday and to run next door for nothing at all, just to say hi. I know it is the order of things for our parents to go before their kids, but I just cant get the visuals out of my head of her at the end and how much she had changed. I found a video of her on her birthday last year that i had never veiwed. I found it on Christmas Eve and it was the best present I ever had, to see her and hear her voice again when she was healthy. She was laughing and making jokes. The true meaning of bittersweet. Is it normal to feel so tired do you think? While I was taking care of my Mom, I had a friend stay at my house to take care of my dog while I was gone and when I got home he was very sick. The vet says he has cancer of his adrenal gland (cushings disease). I know he is just a dog but I love him and he is all I have at home how. My son is away at college and his father died 2 years ago, it is like everything bad is happening at once. When does it end and do you ever feel "normal" again? Thanks for listening. It helps to be able to read all your posts. Somehow it just makes me feel closer to my Mom by coming to this site and reading. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 First I will try to answer your question. No you will never feel normal again. Not the normal that you are hoping for. Whenever we lose someone we love we lose a part of ourselves. That can never be replaced. The thing that you have to remember is that you lost a part of yourself but you also have a part of her. When two people love it doesn't matter if they are siblings, Parent and child or husband and wife or lover. We give parts of ourselves for them to take and they leave parts of themselves for us to keep. Your mom will always be with you. Keep a sharp eye because if you do you will know that beyond a doubt. You were very fortunate to be so close to your mother. My mom had to work and support a large family. She worked in a canery and that meant long hours away from us and working nearly every minute that she was home. I really never got to know her until my teen years then I married and moved far away. She died in 1985 from lung cancer. I saw her less than 10 times in 14 years. I never knew what her dreams were or her hopes. I never saw her laugh in total abandon and I never saw her cry no matter what life handed to her until one of my brothers died. Over the years I have lost 3 brothers and both parents. I lost one boy that was close to my son and almost like another son to me. I saw another man who was my son's brother-in-law lay in a bed for 2 years unable to move a finger because of an accident that cost him a large part of his brain. He was like a younger brother to me. When Johnny died all of the hurt from all of those other deaths came back to me. I finally had to come to terms with them. Johnny's sister had been my best friend when I was younger. In 1974 she was murdered and I was not there for her when she may have needed a friend. Those things haunt me still but nothing ever compared to the pain of losing my Johnny. Sometimes life really sucks and it is hard to understand why some suffer so much loss and others never do. That is life. No one knows the answer. So many parts of me have gone on but I have so many wonderful parts of the people I love still with me. No matter how many people we lose it does not get any easier to handle. It does make us stronger. You may not feel it now but you will someday. It has been over a year sense Johnny died and still I find it hard to focus and do the things that I know need to be done. There was a time when that would have upset me but anymore it doesn't. I know now what is important in life. Take time to find yourself and love the ones that you have left with all of your might. Give them a little of your loved ones and as much as you can of yourself. Be thankful everyday of your life for the time you had with your mom. You were so lucky to have that. God bless you and I hope your pain will start to give you a few breaks soon. For now that is all you can look for. Take it a little at a time. You will learn that is all you can do. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna D Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 I know just how you feel. It will be 6 months on Sunday that my Mom died. She was 74, and we talked eveyday and did a lot together. Michelle, some days will always be worse than others and other days will just go on. Like today, not a good one, very weepy about the dumbest things. But I am feeling as time goes on, this is my new normal. I get a deeper sense that she is with me and I still talk to her daily. Yes, I still find that I am still so tired, and I need to force myself to do things. I understand that this is all part of the process of greiving and I can't tell you when it will change because there is no answer. E-mail me if you like to talk more. Dona Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosie Posted January 15, 2004 Share Posted January 15, 2004 Marylou, You talked about feeling numb right aftwards. Years ago a friend of ours was killed. My husband is a family pastor and all of the staff got together to grieve and sort of work through the beginning stages of it all. One thing that was mentioned is that this is like God's novocaine. It enables us to get through the initial shock until we are at a place to deal with the loss. I know that doesn't really help you, but maybe something it's something in which you can relate. This is an awful disease and I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. Blessings and hugs Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
marylou Posted January 16, 2004 Author Share Posted January 16, 2004 Lilyjohn, Thank you for your response. I am so sorry you have been through so much in your life. I know it is normal to feel so bad about my Mom, but I just can't imagine what you have been thru with all your losses and your regrets in not knowing your Mom better. Maybe you will know her better by looking at yourself? I can see so much of my Mom in me. Sometimes I feel like i am her we are so alike. I know I look just like her. I hope things get better for you. Thank you again for taking the time to respond. Michelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karen335 Posted January 16, 2004 Share Posted January 16, 2004 Michelle, My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. It is so hard to loose a parent. I lost my mom 20 years ago (she was young 61) from Diabetes. My father passed 5 years ago, he was 84 and not ready to go (long story, he shouldn't have passed then.) It takes time for our heart to heal. May God ease your pain and heartache you are feeling now. I wish I was closer so I could give you a hug, so I am sending you cyber hugs... You are in my prayers. God Bless Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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