Jump to content

Don't tell me what to do...


Barbb

Recommended Posts

Last night at the Wed. night kids dinner that I helped serve, a man who has been through hell with health problems told me, and I paraphrase, to not sit home feeling bad, that time is over. (Well, I don't do that very often) While I respect how much he still does and what a good guy he is, Don't Tell Me When My Grieving Time Is Over. Besides Rod only being gone 4 years, besides my kids not living close enough to run and see when I want to, besides my mom has been gone for 16 years and I still need her, besides living in the country away from lots of people, I have clinical depression that if I don't med at the right time, I spiral down for a day or two. Don't Tell Me How To Feel.

Randy, does anyone do that to you?

Barbb

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I really do not get that from anyone but it seems like Mine is forgotten by most people except me and family of course. Friends really do not know anymore since it has been so long, but no person has the right to talk to you like that even if they have walked 2 miles in your shoes!! not just 1 mile but 2 miles.. It is a tough road to walk losing a parent or a spouse and I have walked both in my life already..

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My friends don't talk about Rod anymore, the couple-friends we had have deserted me, which is actually ok and most of my friends now never met Rod. You are right about walking 2 miles in our shoes, not 1. If the

man says anything like that again, I will have to kindly tell him STOP IT.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

((((Barb)))), I understand and I get it. Sending hugs because I know how much you still need them 4 years later , I know at 6 years that I still do. And yes, I have had many people act like I should be "over it" and moving ahead with my life. Health issues, lack of money etc. etc. have made it extra difficult for me, but even if I had all the money in the world and my health, I would still be grieving.. I miss my husband so much and I really resent anyone thinking they can put a timeline on my grief. Just know that you are not alone and don't let anyone try to tell you how your heart should feel at any given point in time. For our own selves, I think we should be doing our best to focus on positives in our lives, but we shouldn't have to apologize for our tears of grief either. Just my two cents.. ;)

Hugs,

Sue

Link to comment
Share on other sites

(((Sue))) Thank you, I know you guys here understand. People who are divorced seem to think they know how it is and what the time line should be but they sure don't. I will never apologize for my grief, nor will I feel bad when someone says something stupid. I will, however, be angry for a few minutes !

Barbb

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You have every right to be angry. Your loss and your life and the way you live it is yours and unique to only you.

And who says you haven't moved on in 4 years? ...of course you have...one foot at a time--out of bed--every single day--is moving on.

You move on because you have no choice. What IS your choice is how you live your life...if you are ok with your life -then others should be too--or shut up about it.

I firmly believed after 3 years my mom was moving on with life and enjoying parts of it. She was still very much married to my dad and missed him greatly and I believe she would have been for the rest of her life had she lived 30 more years.

And that's OK too.

(((hugs)))

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

People don't say those things to be cruel or uncaring. They say them out of stupidity because they have never lost a loved one to the grave or if they have they have never gathered the courage and strength to face it and grieve.

I know that may sound wrong but all of us here know that it takes courage and strength to face to death of a loved one and really grieve.

It has been almost 10 years sense I lost my Johnny. Everyday I still grieve for him. Do I sit and cry or say how can I go on? No but I grieve nonetheless. I haven't moved on with my life. Instead I built a new life for myself with the help of some pretty special people that encludes all of you here. My grief has made me a stronger better person. I have more compassion and slowly, very slowly at times I am learning patience.

Grief is a part of my life. It is a part of me. I know that I can't go back but I also know that going forward to me does not mean finding someone else or being the life of the party. It just means being me. The me who loved two men but was in love with one and only had a very short time with him in the 50 plus years that he has been a part of me. The other I married and I loved him too. Not the kind of love that I had for Johnny. That all consuming love that comes to two people who complete one another totaly. Still it was love. I lost them both and my love and grief for them hurts but at the same time it is what keeps me going and what I believe has made me a better person.

So when someone tells me that I need to move ahead and forget, I just tell them that I have moved on but moving on to me is maintaining the love that I have had and not trying to replace it and I sure as H*** don't want anyone telling me that I should.

There is an old country song about a man who has an argument with his wife. He goes to a bar to cool off and sits there feeling sorry for himself. He meets and old man there who tells him that no matter how bad things get that you don't know about heartache or how long a night can be until it is "Written in Stone". I think that says it all.

Take care Barb and remember it is your life and you have a right to live it and grieve however you need to. You have earned that right the hard way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Restore formatting

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

×
×
  • Create New...