Janet B Posted October 3, 2012 Share Posted October 3, 2012 Hi everyone. I have been missing from the boards for a few months, because,frankly, I have been missing from life for a few months. A little background. In early July new mets showed up on my scans, miliary nodules in both lungs and a met in my spine. The treatment plan was to stay on the Tarceva and Avastin but to add Carbo and Alimta every 3 weeks. The plan was to do this for 4-6 weeks and then drop the Carbo and continue on the Alimta as a maintenance. I was so hopeful and optimistic. Supposedly, for most people, this is a very doable combo and the side effects did not seem at all frightening. I guess I am not most people. I have been totally debilitated by this combo. I have extreme fatigue, can only walk about 20 feet without gasping for air, getting light headed and sitting down. I can't get up the stairs, everyday tasks are nearly impossible. I haven't cooked, cleaned, shopped, driven, gone to my farm, the beach, a friends etc etc in 3 months. I just sit here on the couch and watch stupid tv (I have no concentration for books or crochet). I feel this way until the day before or day of chemo, then it starts all over again. My 6 week scans showed shrinkage and stability which was great news, but since my counts kept being so low and my quality of life so miserable, we stopped the Carbo after the 3rd cycle and continued on with the Alimta every 3 weeks as a maintenance (along with the Avastin and Tarceva). The big hope was that without the Carbo, I would start to feel better. I don't, not at all. The thought of feeling like this indefinitely is so depressing and defeating that I have forgotten about hope. Now my doctor wants to take me off the Alimta. He feels I am just super sensitive to chemo and he wants me to feel ok again. He will keep me on Tarceva and Avastin and has hopes that eventually I will qualify for a clinical trial. I have such mixed feelings about this. On one hand I am beside myself with joy that I will start to feel "normal" again, that I will be able to enjoy the holidays and yes, that I will finally get my house cleaned! (cleaning, cooking, and caregiving, I have discovered, are not things my husband does, but that would be a whole other post!) But more so I feel like a failure, a quitter and mostly like I am letting down myself and my children. When I was first diagnosed I sat my kids down and promised them I would fight this with all I had, I would not give up, and now, it seems I am. I have never felt so tired and defeated. I know I cannot go on living like this indefinitely, because this is not living, but I am not a quitter and so I am torn. My husband does not get it. He thinks I am just not trying hard enough, I am just not pushing myself. That makes me feel even worse. Have any of you had to give up on a treatment? Have any of you had the people closest to you not "get it". How did you deal with it? I feel like I have hit rock bottom in my mental fight against this and it was always my optimism that carried me. This is the most lost I have felt since diagnosis. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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