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Doing something hard


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Many of you know that after Johnny died I wrote about our time together, eventually I wrote about most of my life encluding those first two years after he was gone. Doing that gave me something to do and a way to get in tuch with myself. I did a lot of soul searching and a lot of crying.,

December 2 will be 10 years sense that cold foggy morning that Johnny left this world behind. The past few days I have been going back over my story and reading then destroying much of it. There is just so much raw emotion in those pages that I have decided that I would never want them to be seen by many people especially my family and Johnny's. At the same time while reading them I realize that many of those pages were the best things that I ever wrote. I know that possibly I have used some of them at times and they have helped others to see that their feelings are not different or wrong but something that those of us who grieve often go through.

It is time to let most of that go. I will save a few pages and use many of the pages that show what the emotions are when you feel like you have failed in so many things in your life. I will show what it has taken for me to get to where I am today. I can't say that I am truly happy but for the most part I am content. I am a person far different than most people ever really knew. I am that person because someone cared enough to make me know that just being me is enough. Loosing him almost broke me but knowing how much he had believed in me helped me to rediscover my strengths and trust not only my values but my Faith.

It hasn't been easy reading those pages again. I cry and relive many of those last hearbreaking days. I still know even after all of the time past that my first suspeciona about the way Johnny died were not unfounded. I also know that there is nothing I can do about it and holding on to those papers and reliving those days are making my time with him about his death, not his life. That is an injustice to him as well as to myself because those times were so special.

Last year on November 29th I left on my trip to Louisiana, I tend to do that to have something to put my mind on besides the memories of that day that I still refer to as the Friday from Hell. But that day will never be any less painful for me because last year on that date we lost my niece to phneumonia.

I still get times when the tears come. I can't talk about those last days and weeks of Johnny's life without tears. The good memories are with me more now than the bad ones and those are what I want to hold on too, Recently I have had two different neighbors who have lost a loved one tell me that they don't know how they would have made it without my help. Those days make me proud.

One time at church when I was living in French Gulch we had a guest pastor. He gave a sermon about when grief becomes sin. He believed that had happened to him when he let his grief over losing his wife keep him from living. He began to realize that he could use his grief to help others. If he didn't then his grief became sin. I seem to have taken on that outlook too.,

So if sometime I come here and seem like I am taking too much space or maybe speaking like someone who knows more than I do that is my reason. I am just thankful I have this place and my "family" here to endulge me.

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talk away my friend.. we always have ears to listen with and shoulders to cry on..... I have a box and am starting a second box of stuff that is important to me about Deb and now working on one for my dads memories...

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