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That time of year again. 10 years


lilystemp

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It is time for me to come here once again and make a post. It is hard to believe but I am living through the 10 year aniversary of all of the heartache and terrible things that happened that last long weekend of Johnny's life. Where did 10 years go? In some ways if seems a life time and in others only yesterday.

I try not to dwell on the painful memories but they never seem to leave me be. They come at me out of nowhere. Last year I had planned to leave on my trip the aniversary of the Friday from hell 10 years ago. Instead of helping make it easier I lost my niece that night very unexpectantly form phneumonia. Now the 29th and 30th have double painful memories.

Ten years ago today it was Thanksgiving and I will always know that what happened that day hastened Johnny's death. To this day I have never heard of a doctor giving morphine in a nebulizer like they did him that day.That was the start of the events that took his life that weekend.

December 2nd it will be ten years that he left this world. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of him and wonder what our life could have been like. Still I know that it is time to think about his life and the few short precious months that we had together. Before I left home I went through my story and tore up the part about our life together. It was time. Time to make his life about living and how we loved one another instead of about his death. I will never forget what happened and there is a part of me that will never forgive the wrongs that I know were done to him but for the most part I have forgiven myself for what I thought were my mistakes and his family for not helping or spending more time with him. I have learned that I can forgive and it doesn't mean that I condone. The memories belong to me, I no longer feel the need to share them.

I grieve for him and so many lost loved ones How can I not when they are so much a part of who and what I am? I just pray everyday that I can live in a way that they would be proud of me.

As I watch my daughter struggle with the problems in her marriage and see what it is doing to her children and husband I can't help but think of an old song. Nothing can put things in perspective like an old country song. The name of the song is Chisled in Stone. One line says "you don't know about heartache of how long a night can be, you don't know about heartache until it is chilsled in stone".

wow I am out of here. This just never gets easy.

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I'm so grateful for this site for many reasons. Especially the ability for us to come here and share in our grief. The ability to share with others who truly understand what we live with each and everyday after losing a loved one. I have people in my life yes, but, I have no one I can share my pain and tears with...for this I am glad I can come here.

I'm so sorry for your loss of Johnny and that your struggles get so intense during the dreaded anniversary of his passing. I wish I could just hug you and tell you everything is going to be alright. But I can't. All I can do is tell you that I understand the pain and the memories.

So many people used to tell me that it will get easier. Well, perhaps in a few small ways it does. But in so very many ways is doesn't.

A dear friend of mine gave me some advise a few years ago. He said when I was feeling the pain of my loss to go outside under the stars and look up. He said to open my heart and talk to my husband in heaven. I remember thinking at first.....huh? How can that help me? BUT....one night I looked into the sky and remembered his advice. So, I started talking to Donald. I talked and cried for I don't know how long. I went through so many emotions. Pain, fear, anger for him leaving me alone and I cried harder than I think I ever have. But then, I started to feel better. Suddenly memories of the years we spent together came to me and I talked about those. Before I knew it I was actually laughing. That night I slept better than I had in a very long time.

I don't know what would help you dear one. Maybe it would be looking into the stars and talking to him like I did or perhaps something else, but I wish you peace and a soft place to share your memories.

Please let us know how you're doing ((hugs))

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who told you that crazy idea???? still do it but for a different person this year....sometimes for Deb though. Hugs and prayers to both of you wonderful ladies....

I think this might be your song Lillian .....

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I've been a bystander to all of your losses and the evolutions and changes that have happened in your lives. It's a blessing that you (we/them/US) can be here for each other during every step to lean on, lift up and encourage.

Many hugs for all three of you.

(((hug)))

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Yes Randy that is the song. Thank you. and thank all of you for being here. It always means so much.

I see people struggle in their everyday lives and life can get so hectic that sometimes they forget what is most important. I hope that somehow my daughter and her husband will find their way back to one another. I have grown as an independant person and am proud of who I am and what I do but there are days when the need to have someone hold me share the small things that a couple do is almost overwhelming. I lost both men in my life and not a day goes by that I don't think of them.

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