shelliemacs Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 im tired.... I am tired of cancer, tired of worrying about cancer, tired of worrying what cancer has done to my mom and will do to my dad. I'm done, spent, wrung out. I have no more to give. I want OUT. I can't handle this again. I cant win against it. I am helpless to fight it. I feel like I am at the bottom of a slope and crap wont stop rolling down on me. I GIVE UP! ITS WON. IT can declare victory over me cause I surrender, I am waiving the white flag. Here is the headline "Cancer wins in a landslide over Shelly and Family." this is not a suicide note, its not a cry for help, its not a person who needs medication, its not a pity party, its not a I am not up for another fight note...... Its all these things. i am not going to harm myself so dont worry, I am even useless to do that. and yes I am on medication so more wont help. I am just ...... tired of it all. and what sucks is there is no way I am going to avoid going through it again. Come hell or high water I am going to get thrown into this again and churned around like a big ol' washing machine and wrung out in the end. sorry if I brought you all down. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 I'm sorry you're going through this at all, let alone again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 I am just so sorry to see you in all of this pain. I can only imagine how lost and alone you are feeling right now! I cannot, even in my wildest imagination, imagine going through this twice in a row. I have very little advice to give that would be of any real help right now. All I can say is don't keep anything locked in and from your post, it would appear that you are doing well with that! Scream, rant and rave all you want...we are all here to listen and help in any way we can! I can tell you that I will keep you and your Dad at the top of my prayer list! I know that we can't question God but Shelly, I have to say this is really unfair for you! Please know that I am continually here for you. I'm a pretty good listener and that's what you need right now!!! Fire away....ready to help!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Shelly, I simply cannot express how horrific your life must feel for you right now. I am so sorry this is happening to you again. Sometimes, all we can do is surrender....because there is just nothing left. But you are and have been a fighter...even the victorious warrior gets wounded in the fight and sometimes has to lay down to rest. I hope you find a place of rest and serenity. All kinds of cyber hugs coming your way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Shelley, The hand you've been dealt really stinks. Going to take more than ice cream, bubble baths, and long naps to deal with this one. You are allowed to let yourself off the hook. Put being kind to yourself as your number one priority for the moment. Be your own best friend for a bit. When I used to get like this, I'd visualize.... I'd lay my head in Mary Mother of God's lap, and close my eyes.... cover myself with her mantle up to my chin ( sometimes even up over my head). and rest, just try to rest. Let it all go. And sometimes I actually found rest, and sleep, and felt stronger when I woke up. Faith kept me going long past where any mere human strengths would have taken me. Point being, whatever works for you. Just remember, we love you. And -- we been there. Go do something nice for yourself. XOXOXOX MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Dear Shelly, I am so sorry that you have to carry this load again. When I looked at this site for the very first time, the first post I read was the post where you "let it all hang out", remember? Well, when I get into this sight every day I still see that post, and I did so this morning. My point is, you DID get through it the first time and you WILL get through it now. You will come out of it a stronger person who will be able to help others who have to go through these awful trials. Prayers and positive thoughts are coming your way, Love, Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeanCarl Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Shelly, Of COURSE your tired. Anybody who has gone through what you have and ISN'T tired is either insane or taking some MAJOR recrational chemicals. Of COURSE you want out. Nobody heads out in the morning saying "Gee, what a nice day. I think I'll deal with loosing my Mom to cancer and my Dad just being diagnosed with it". And of COURSE you don't have much left to give. You've been giving for so long. And just when you thought you wouldn't have to give so much you get asked to give again. And the car don't move when the tank's gone dry. So maybe waving the white flag is exactly the RIGHT thing to do. But NOT in the way you're thinking about it. It's not about giving up. It's about acceptance. Not just accepting your Dad has cancer. That's actually the easy part. It's about accepting what YOU can and can't do right now. So maybe it's time for Shelly to start taken care of .... Shelly ! Maybe it's time to for you to get some rest. Maybe it's time for you to "get away" from this stuff for a bit. Maybe it's time to RECIEVE rather than give. Sounds selfish doesn't it? But it's NOT. Without taking care of yourself your going to be no good for anybody, not even yourself. But if you do take care of yourself (and that's a personal thing ... you have to decide for yourself what "taking care of yourself" means to you) you WILL get through this, where ever it leads. If you do take care of yourself you WILL find that well of strength and serenity that I KNOW is in all of us. One day, one hour, one flippin' minute at a time and WE will get through this. It hurts, it sucks, and we'll STILL get through it. WE are here for you. Dean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betplace Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 Shelly, I can find no words to help, but I remember reading about someone on the board who would go out in her car, turn the radio on full blast and scream, that might help! We are praying for you dailey dear! Blessings Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted January 27, 2004 Share Posted January 27, 2004 ((((((((((((SHELLY)))))))))))) Wish I could hold you right now. Peg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LindaMRG Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 And you came to the right place, even the right section - our section, the caregivers, the ones who have to watch it happen to someone we love so much. Sending you a big, tight hug. Love, Linda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MO_Sugar Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 ((((((Shelly)))))), No words, just a big ole hug! God Bless, MO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeTaa Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Oh, my heart just hearts so badly for you right now. I know it's difficult . . . but just keep the faith and take care of yourself. TeeTaa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Angie Daughter of Bill Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Oh Shelly!! Bless your heart!! I can not imagine what you must be feeling right now. All I can offer to you is my prayers. Best wishes to you! Angie Daughter of Bill Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Debaroo Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Shelly, I don't know what to say, except that we will do what we can to help YOU through this. Sometimes surrender is the only way to save yourself. I guess its sort of like the old story about being stuck in quicksand, the more you fight against it, the more it pulls you down. Maybe letting yourself give up on trying to be a lifeguard and save everyone, maybe you'll be able to just be there with your father. Not so much for him, that puts you in the rescuers position. But if you are there with him, it allows you to accept the journey-not fight it-just to be there. Sometimes that is the best medicine for everyone. My grandfather is in a nursing home, he's 88 years old. He has forgotten how to swallow (dimensia), but he knows who I am. When I visit he mostly sleeps. His body is failing. We do not want a feeding tube, as he has been through enough, he is old and has been ready to die for some time (he lost his wife 20 years ago, and his son 6 years ago-to lung cancer). Now my dad has died, Dad and Grandpa were as close as a natural father and son-we didn't even tell Grandpa, as we knew he would not be able to take it. So, we sit with Grandpa, we hold his hand, we offer him drinks with a straw. We make sure that he is comfortable and, above all, we make sure that he knows he is loved. The point is, there are people just as old, and older than Grandpa, and their loved ones chose the feeding tube. These people are basically in coma-like states, but their loved ones did not have the ability to accept, so they fought against the course of life. I guess my point is, there is a strength in giving up. Strange as that might seem. Try to think about it. Give yourself a break. And, please, come here and let us know how you are doing. Take care, Deb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Shelly - I have no words of advice...I am so so sorry you are going through this again.... I think you and Deb and Katie and Shirley and JC and Norme and Dean and all of us on this board should meet for a cup of mocha -java -double -latte -something- or -other- really -strong- full -of -triple -caffeine- and- chocolate ..... and just complain. God bless you and your dad - and may you both find the strength to get through this.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Shelly, Keep in contact with the doctor that put you on medication so your progress or lack of progress is noted and your dosage is changed accordingly. Not all mind-altering drugs work the same for everyone.... That said, take a time out. Emotionally detach. Your father will be fine for the day or two it takes you to sort things out and recharge. Get away from your home, stay someplace with no memories of the last months and all the "bad things". Take some quiet time, some alone time, and take inventory. Get out physically then work on the mental part...with no visual interruptions, no telephone, etc. ...and when you have reached a point where you can breathe again, step back up to the plate. It's not in you to just give up, to wave the white flag and surrender someone you love... You do need to take the time to take care of you. Take the time to set your cap again, fill up that pitcher of love and then take another look at it all. Shelly, you are just too overwhelmed with all this bad stuff and then the "normal" crap that is the white noise of everyones' life. Step back from it ALL and learn to breathe again... Take the time and cry it all out, rant, rave...and then, you'll be on your way back to who you are... Take care, Shelly. Find some peace. Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest canuckwebgrrl Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Shelly, So many have posted such wise words.... I can only wish you peace. I'm sorry you're having to deal with so much all at once Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carleen Posted January 28, 2004 Share Posted January 28, 2004 Oh Shelly, I am so sorry you are going through all this pain. I completely understand how you feel, as I often feel like I can't take one more step, I have nothing more to give. But somehow we get up each day and we move forward. You are so incredibly strong, and were such a great caregiver to your mother. You just didn't get the time to recoup your strength before being thrown into battle again. It just really really isn't fair. I agree with all those here who've said you need to take a bit of time for yourself. You need to get away and take care of Shelly for what it takes until you are strong enough to take care of your father. I don't know what your situation is, whether you are able to get away, but I would like to extend an invite to you to stay with Keith and I in Wisconsin. We have Tons of room. It's not that exciting this time of year, but I think we can find things to do and entertain you. Your father, family, whomever are welcome to come as well. Just get away for a week or even a long weekend. Whatever YOU need. (((((((SHELLY))))))))) You know we care about you, and will be keeping you and your family in our prayers. Carleen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyCW Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Shellie, I'm so sorry you have to go through all this, and sorry for your mom for what she went through, and now your dad. I can't imagine how you must feel. Everyone here has posted such good advice. Like Dean said so well, surrender and acceptance are different! And I don't think "acceptance" implies that you think something is "okay" -- not at all. What's happening in your family is NOT okay. It's d*** horrible. Maybe acceptance just means a deeper realization of what we can control and what we can't. You can "be there" for your dad and listen to him and love him and support him, but you can't make it go away. And I would imagine there would be times you can't even "be there" for him, because it just must take such a toll on your very soul. Those are the times to do something to nurture yourself, so you can come back another day and do what you have to do. This may sound crass, and I really don't mean it to... But I was reminded two nights ago by my friends just how healing laughter can be. I'm sure it's hard to find anything to laugh about right now, but even a little can go a long way. Do you have a friend who always makes you laugh? Maybe someone you feel comfortable crying with, but will also help you find ways to have fun, laugh, and let off some steam? Or maybe a favorite comedian whose video you could rent? Forgive me if this seems inappopriate, and please don't think I don't know how serious your situation is. I am fortunate to have two friends who can always make me laugh, even in the worst of times, and sometimes I think that's all that keeps me sane. You are in my prayers, and will stay there. Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rinksgal Posted January 30, 2004 Share Posted January 30, 2004 Shellie, I'm so sorry you have to deal with this again!! Cancer is bad enough to deal with once!!!! And now your Dad! I wish I knew what to say to you, but I won't lie I don't know what to say. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be going through you. I know it must be hell and I can barely deal with this myself with Darrell. To me they don't make enough drugs to get us through something like this. Because you want the worry and pain you feel inside to just go away, we want their cancer to just go away!! We want it to be some horrible nightmare and hope that we'll wake up and it will all just be gone, and the ones we love will be well again! Not fighting for their life! But for some reason someone has other plans and its not in our control!! I think thats what makes cancer so hard, its not like we can take medicine and make it better or have surgery and thats the end of it, or eat different and were ok again. Cancer is one of the hardest things I've had to deal with in my life. Someone I love most having to go through so much, and worrying that they still might not make it. The worrying and the waiting is so unbearable. Just know we are all there for you. I hope I haven't made things worse. I am just so sorry you and your family has been dealt with this horrible thing "cancer" again. I will hope and pray for the best for your dad!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I mean that with my whole heart Shellie!! Tell him we are all thinking and praying for him! and you too Shellie!! Please keep us posted with updates when you have time. "Tons of Hugs" Christy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IIIp0 Posted January 31, 2004 Share Posted January 31, 2004 Dear Shelly -- By now you know that you are not alone. I am so so sorry for your overloading pain. All I can do is express what has so lovingly been said, but remember too Shelly -- this is just a phase and nothing says the same... I can tell you this helped me immensely over the years in various situaitons, it all passes...... I do believe too though, that your God IS doing for you what you couldn't do for yourself so lean on Him, lean on us and keep coming back. We're here on this ride with you......... Big Hugs - Beth ====================== Husband diag. 12/5 w/extensive stage SMLC with mets to spine, liver, bones Carbo-taxol x 4 regimen so far. Still holding, maybe MRI f/up next week? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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