Can you help my Dad?

[natalie]

I was hoping some of you could help me out. I'm an only child and of course my Dad is devastated with the loss of my mom. They have been married 35 years and I can't offer him the support of knowing what he's going through as I am grieving the loss of a mother which is different then the loss of a spouse. I know how devastated I am and then I try to put myself in my Dad's shoes and it hurts me so much to think of what he's going through because I know that it has got to be an unbelievable amount of suffering as he's use to being with her every day. My mom was also very outgoing and fun to be with and so the loss of her is so noticeable as she was always the center of attention. He met her when he was 18. My Dad is only 54 and never thought he'd be in the situation. I'm trying to get my Dad on this website, but he's intimidated by the computer...can some of you that have lost a spouse write to my Dad (David) so he knows he is not alone? I'll print it out for him and see if I can get him to go on here. It helps when I tell him people that have lost their partner and how long they have been married and how they are going through what he's going through. I want him to know he is not alone in his suffering. He says he searches for her in the middle of the night. He's especially depressed in the morning. Thank you all in advance for your help.

[glo]

Hi, Natalie's Dad -

I'm so very sorry you have to go through this. I know you aren't going through it alone because I've read posts and corresponded with your wonderful daughter Natalie. Nevertheless, after so many years of being a couple, life is suddenly very strange and the whole world looks different, and you never knew it could hurt so much.

I was married for 40 years to my husband Chuck, who died Sept. 1 at age 65 from this awful disease. The house is now so empty. I wish I had some words that would make it easier for you, but there are none. We each grieve in our own ways and our own time. There are many "firsts" to get through. The first time I had to let myself into a dark house after work because he's not there -- and yes, I do look for him, and sometimes think I hear him in another room. The first birthday, anniversary, Christmas, etc.

All I can tell you is to just keep getting up each day and doing as much as you can and cut yourself some slack and give yourself some time to grieve. The world won't fall apart if you just vegetate some days. In fact, I often wish the world would stop -- but it goes right on.

It has only been five months since my husband's death, but in some ways the grieving is slowly getting a little better. There are bad days -- but now sometimes there are good days, too. We will all get through this, because we have no other choice. The only way to get to a better place is just to take one step at a time down this lonely road we never wanted to walk. We will never get over it, but it does get incorporated into our lives and a little less painful.

Like you, I have an only child -- a daughter close to Natalie's age -- and I know what a blessing that is. Like Natalie was with her mother, my daughter was with her father every moment she could be after his diagnosis. We can be proud of raising such caring young women.

If ever you wonder if what you are feeling is "normal" or friends try to tell you to "get over it", just have Natalie print out some of the posts from the grieving section of this forum. You'll realize you are not alone. Even better, have Natalie log on for you and you can scroll through and read the messages yourself. You may find out the computer isn't delicate or intimidating after all. But watch out -- it IS addicting.

Wishing you more peace and less pain each day.

Gloria

[Sam'swifeShirley]

Dear Natalie,

The love of my life, Sam, died suddenly on January 10th. After finally being offically diagnosed with small cell lung cancer on May 15th, 2003, he fought a brave and courageous battle and probably died from a fungus, aspergillus and not the cancer.

Sam joined this board in January 2003 and I knew he posted but, until recently did I realize the love and support that he and the members shared. Sam was the computer whiz and while I had been promised computer lessons, something always came up. Only after Sam died, did I begin e-mailing or doing anything computer related. So, please tell your Dad that you can teach the old dogs new tricks. I also was intimated by the computer.

I have received more comfort reading and rereading Sam's posts and the members replies. While your Dad might not have posted before, I assure you when he does, he will appreciate the love, support and concern from these wonderful folks. It is a big caring family who share the good and bad times.

This is a difficult time for a spouse who has lost their soul mate. Please tell your Dad I will pray for strength for the both of us and all the others who continue to grieve.

God bless us all,

Sam'swifeShirley

[Guest JimW]

Natalie,

My wife Ada died this past September - she was 54 years old. We had been married for 32 years. Ada was my best friend, soul mate and Mother to our two wonderful children. I understand your Father's feelings - I am still having a hard time dealing with the loss and realization that life will never be the same. The loss of a spouse at our age was something that wasn't supposed to happen. But I really believe what everyone says - "time will ease the pain." I know that I will never completely get over Ada's absence in my life. But I know it will get easier as time goes by. It would be great if your Dad could check in on the message board to see what kind of support there is - he would see that he is surely not alone. I never posted during Ada's 2+ year battle, Ada was the one who was active on the board. But I was aware of the wonderful support she received from the entire community during her fight. It gave her strength just as it continues to give me comfort knowing there are others dealing with the affects of this desease. I check in often just to see how everyone is doing-I don't post very often, I just read - and it gives me a good feeling to see the tremendous support everyone has for each other. I hope you can talk your Dad into visiting the board when he is ready.

Jim

Jim

[AnneBurris]

Dear Natalie,

Hello, my name is Anne. You and I are in very similar situations because my parents were married for the same amount of time. My 54 year old mother just died in December and she was my father's entire life.

I worry about him as well because he and my mom weren't the most social people and I worry that he doesn't have anyone other than myself and siblings to comfort him. But......

I was pleasantly surprised when he began attending church with me recently. He has started to fill the void in his life with God's love. I'm not trying to be preachy, but it really has helped him.

I asked him why he started looking for God all of the sudden, and he said it's because he wants to make sure he spends eternity with my mother. I thought that was so sweet.

Jesus really does fill that void. I hope you and your father know the same peace.

Family is so important. Your dad is very lucky to have you for a daughter. I know my dad is also glad to have me in his life. We are our mother's legacy.

God bless,

Anne

[J.C.]

Nathalie and her Dad,

Today is 4 months that my husband of 43 years died.

Adjusting to life without him is out of my control, so

when I feel the worst, I just do as if he is with me and

talk to him about anything, weather, news, what I am

doing and always about how much I loved him, and

often tears wash away the sorrow for a little while,

till it comes back.

I am living with memories and souvenirs and let life

cure me if it can.

By giving some of your time to your father, you are

helping him.

Sending prayers to help him.

Hugs

J.C.

[natalie]

Thank you so much to you all for replying to my post. I took my Dad to a support group last night and was very proud of him. He opened up so much and I could tell he felt better to have people that understand. He found people he could relate to and I know it made him feel better. I also have printed your posts and it helps a lot.

Anne, my Dad has been talking about God lately too. He said he wants to go to church which about knocked me off my chair. I knew he believed in God, but he never went to church or talked to me about religion. He has been very spiritual lately and I know it's helping him through this. I bombarded him with a lot of books and he actually has told me he started reading them. I'm starting to see my Dad grow a little bit. My parents didn't have a big social circle either so I worry just like you. If I posted a picture of my mom and I, you would be amazed because my mom and I are both blonde, same age bracket, hair length...you remind me a lot of the dynamics with my mom.

You are such compassionate and loving people. Thanks for all of your support.

[Karen]

Natalie,

I'm so glad to see that you were able to involve your dad with a positive support group experience. My mother-in-law is 58 and it's been 6 mos. since the love of her life passed away because of this disease. It IS tough, but if he keeps working "through" it however he feels he needs to, there will be moments of healing. I, too, print out posts to help her know she isn't alone, and she does not need to be "over" anything by now. We all have become an even bigger part of her life now, something that helps us all. She also has held on tighter to her faith and has found helpful books and music. Someone recently posted the lyrics to the Josh Groban song, "To Where You Are" which has become one of her favorites. If you haven't heard it, it is worth a listen. Have some tissues handy though.

I'll be keeping you in my prayers along with Anne, Shellybug, others who are recently dealing with the loss of loved ones, and those who continue to feel that loss months later. Thank God we can know they are in a better place with all joy and no pain.

God bless~

Karen

[Guest canuckwebgrrl]

Natalie,

So glad to hear your Dad is getting some much-needed support.

Take care,