Guest daddysgirl Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 I cant exactly say that I am negative but I have been thinking the worst (I think it helps me deal with things). The cancer has spread now 3 times in just under a month. Im 23, and I cant imagine being without my dad, but the doctors are giving him a few months to live. Im trying to stay positive but realistic in the same aspect. My dad is miserable, making comments everyday that he should have the nurses give him too many pills, etc. I know that he is in a lot of pain. I thought that talking about my wedding (coming up in 7 mths) would cheer him up but I dont say anything b/c Im scared that he may not be here for it. If I think that...he might think that too. My mom is in denial...they have no will, no arrangements, nothing. When I talk to her about it, she says that she doesnt want to talk about it. I cant seem to get positive, b/c I know the statistics and he just seems to get worse everyday. I know that so many of you have so much faith that your loved ones will get better and I just cant seem to get that. Any thoughts? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted February 9, 2004 Share Posted February 9, 2004 Your dad is a 10-month survivor -- that is positive. I lost my dad when I was your age, so I can understand the panic. He died suddenly of heart failure. Your parents really should get their paper work in order. Lucie and I just this past week updated our wills, power of attorney, etc. Unfortunately, people wait under a crisis to do this when all of us should do it while we are healthy. Seven months in a lung cancer survivor's life is an eternity. Have you considered moving the wedding to an earlier date? Try to stay positive, even if your parents aren't. They need to be surrounded with positive right now. We cope with the uncertainty by taking one day at a time. We do not play "what if" with the future, but we do move forward with plans, so Lucie has something to look forward to. It has also helped that she focus on things she is interested in, such as reading, sewing, seeing the family, etc. My heart goes out to you. I wish you well. Keep us posted. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Different people handle it differently. I have spent more time than normal thinking about the worst the last month or so. Becky and I are lucky in that we can talk about things. My grandmother died in December and we went up to the funeral. It was not a tragedy; she had been in ill health for almost a decade. But there were several times during the funeral I found myself thinking, well if this were Becky's funeral I would do this or not do that. Which was horrible, but at least afterwards, Becky and I could talk about it; she was thinking much the same things at times. My dad and his brothers couldn't talk with their wives, a generation thing, I think. Another thing that really shook us in the fall was that there was a car crash in our little town that killed several members of a family at our daughter's day care. It reminded us that tomorrow is promised to noone. And if nothing else, the time we have now has been time in which I have had a chance to think about being a single dad - I almost put preparing, but I will never ever be prepared - if Becky should die. That is a big if, I am not conceding anything to this blasted disease; her tumor has one hell of a battle on its hands if it wants to break us up. But having spent some time the last year thinking about what I would do with life insurance proceeds, how to have our daughter understand that smoking is dangerous for everybody but especially her with her family history while at the same time not convincing her that she will die so so young. Having spent that time this last year and the many years ahead hopefully means Becky or I would be more successful if we were faced with these issues. So the bottom line is that I think it is natural and healthy to think about all of the possible outcomes. We might be more prepared, and even when the worst never happens, I think the time spent thinking about the worst can help us appreciate our blessings each day the rest of our lives. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Curtis I always like reading your posts. You are extremely fortunate that you and Becky can talk about the future and "what if". While I think about things and what would happen if I lost John, we cannot bring ourselves to talk about it. There are small moments, little snipets of conversation, but it is too much for him and we cannot get things really talked out. We have three children and so much stuff going on in our lives, I do not even want to think about being a single parent. Our son is being an absolute jerk of a teenager and frankly John is much better with him than I am. The other day he said he worried most about Tyler if something happened to him (and I do too). Recently John's father passed away and we found out what a mess his parents affairs were in. I told John it was a good thing they did not die together as we would be forever in court on several things. Like you say, an accident or something can happen at any time, no one is guarateed tomorrow and it is important for those left behind to have things in order. Rochelle Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea B. Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 When I read your post, it broke my heart. I too find that one of the struggles dealing with a loved one having cancer is walking that fine line between hope and despair. My mom almost passed away at the end of December and I found myself almost being swallowed by the despair (who will be there for me, she won't see her grandaughter grow...). Then it was weird, but I started realizing that I could face my fears and didn't have to feel like it was wrong to be sad or scared and force myself to be positive. I started journaling about all my fears and talking to my counselor. Slowly I started to see some of the joys that life still has to offer, even though I am in a dark place right now. I have a loving husband, beautiful daughter, and great friends...all of whom make me appreciate life. My mom is back home, but one of the things that I have told myself is that I am going to stop and take time for myself, to do something outside of cancer. Don't feel like it is wrong to be scared, fearful and sad...face it and you will find out what is right for you to find the joys in life again someday. Blessings to you, Andrea Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Just recently I was sitting exactly where you are now. My mother didn't have one good day since her diagnosis and died this past christmas eve. I could have never imagined life without her, but now I sit here and she is gone. About a month before she died and things were not getting any better and we knew where this was going, we (my sister, father, and myself) talked about "getting things in order". We really struggled with it because my mother wanted so desperately to live and never talked about dying. Somehow that would have "solidified things" if that makes sense. Even though we knew she was, together we didn't want to say. When she was in the hospital I said to her kind of non-chalantly "you know when I die I want to be cremated". "What do you want". She talked about what she wanted. It was a way that worked for her. It may sound strange to some people, but it seemed at the time the only way to talk about the subject. We struggled with having anyone else talking with her because we thought she would know it was the end. I said all along to her that while she had a breath in her body, that there was a chance for fighting and surviving. I did believe that and prayed for a miracle everyday. I know this is a very difficult time for all of you. Please be with you father as much as possible and tell him all of the things you have ever wanted to tell him, even though it may be hard. My family never said the "I love yous" and we made sure that we said them every day since my mother's diagnosis-no matter how hard it was to say at first. Don't hold back. Don't have regrets. I know you are planning to get married in 7 mos. I might get married now "privately" so your dad can be there and when you have your wedding, if your dad is there (I pray he is) then he can be there again. Sorry for rambling on....I have so many other thoughts. If you want to email me you can. Kim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 ANYONE that is 100% positive 100% percent of the time is either firmly in denial or insane... That said, the only way to get past the very negative is to work through it and turn it all around. One in ten chance? He's the ONE. One in a hundred chance? He's the ONE. One in a thousand? (You get the idea.) What helped me was to get affairs in order IN CASE I died. Not "when", but "if"... Moving the wedding up would be an "if" - you also do not know if he will be undergoing some treatment in seven months leaving him sleeping a lot or unable to be out among others. Even if you did a small "immediate family only" wedding and THEN did the gala in seven months, Dad would be there for THE wedding, no matter what. (A bonus here would be that by the time your honeymoon came around, the name on your passport would be your NEW name, not something that you would be changing upon returning...) Positive is a perspective. If you find you are not positive, change your perspective. An answer to the "why me?" question is "why NOT me?" or "who else, then?" This IS a fight that can be won, who's to say he won't be a winner? "Fix" what you feel is wrong in your relationship. Make it the relationship you've always wanted. If his time is short, it will be sweet - and WHEN he sticks it out and hangs on for years, won't it be great? Take time to take care of you, too, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Valentines Day is coming-what a time for a 'quiet' wedding with just the parents there? If that was a possibility how romantic and what a memory. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest daddysgirl Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 They are moving him to a difference hospital and calling in hospice today. Nice thinking! Wonder what the chapel looks like in his new digs! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam'swifeShirley Posted February 10, 2004 Share Posted February 10, 2004 Dear daddysgirl, I, too, am a new member to this site. However, my wonderful husband, Sam, was a devoted member since January 2003 and I assure you , nowhere will you find more support and comfort. We become a family, who unfortunately know, what the others are having to deal with. Sam passed away unexpectedly on January 10th. Last May we redid his will but, may I suggest you consult an attorney to consider other legalities also, such as a power of attorney for your Dad(someone to make decisions if he can not) and also his health care wishes such as living will. Well people put off taking care of business and it is much easier to do when people can think rationally. Sam and I have children from previous marriages and this can also lead to unnecessary complications. I am not close at all to his children and I wanted everything as he wished in writing so, there would be no problems. I do not personally know if Hospice would get involved with legal issues or not. Is there other siblings, other relatives or perhaps a minister who might help? No one should wait to take care of important business. There is one thing I do know for sure. NO physician can give you a date and time when one is going to die. Sam was a physician and he never say his end coming. This horrible disease never ceased to amaze me. One day one can feel okay and awful the next day. While we can never be 100% prepared, it is best to try to stay one step ahead. You are so young to have so much to deal with. As far as your wedding, do what you think is in everyone's best interest, including yours. God bless us all. Sam'swifeShirley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyCW Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 Daddysgirl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope for a miracle, and I see miracles happen everyday... but I also think it's not "negative" to plan realistically for the situation. Regarding your dad's "last wishes," I can only imagine how hard that is to talk about, especially if he doesn't want to. Maybe you can find a way (?) to get family members talking about the fact that we all will die, it's not a question of "if," but "when," so how about if we all get prepared, so as not to make it hard for the people left behind to know what to do? If it's not even directly related just to him or his disease, but to everyone, maybe it would be easier? People die at every age... I work for a childhood cancer foundation. It's just that adults get to decide what they want done -- and the fact that they do sometimes make those decisions makes it easier on family members at a time when they are in great pain. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to harp on that part of things. I know this must be so very difficult for you -- and your fiance! If you and your dad both want it, the early wedding sounds nice. If not, he will still know you are happy and have a wonderful new life to look forward to, and I'm sure that will give him some peace, too. Hang in there, I wish there was something I could do. BeckyCW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Karen C Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I was going to suggest you move the wedding up sooner, in case his treatment makes him really sick by then, etc., but then I saw Cindy RN's post and yeah, what a great idea - get married, quietly with your family ESPECIALLY your Dad there - on Valentine's Day! And most hospitals have a nice little chapel, yeah, do it there! it would be something really positive to distract all of you at least for a short time! And listen to what everyone says about your parents getting their affairs in order. It's the best thing they could do for each other and for their family. Dave and I hadn't done a will or anything but we really needed to since becoming parents - the cancer forced us to face it and I'm glad we did, although there are other little things we need to do, like putting the car titles in both our names, etc. It's endless, but the more of that you take care of easier it is when someone does pass on. Keep us posted! Karen C. (David C's wife) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted February 11, 2004 Share Posted February 11, 2004 I agree with the sentiment expressed here. We had handled many things a few months before Becky's diagnosis; we had just moved and updated many things. But when it came time to do wills and living wills and power of attorney, I did mine first. It didn't hide the fact that we were doing all those things right then because of her cancer, but it at least made us focus on the fact that all responsible adults have to do these things regardless because we know not what tomorrow will bring. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
palves Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 Don't know if I can provide you with many positive tips myself as I'm having a very hard time myself dealing w/ my dad's situation. But for my parents I try to stay focused on the future and making plans for things to look forward to - your wedding included. I guess the best advice for us right now is to take it one day at a time, no regrets .... Paula Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teresag Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 A quiet wedding in the hospital chapel! What a wonderful idea! It is hard to start conversations about "taboo" topics like death. But, you know, it seems, at least for me, that worrying about talking about it and avoiding it took up more energy than just getting it out in the open. Try broaching the topic gently in front of your Dad - he might be wishing someone would bring it up. I like BeckyCW's suggestion - bring it up generally, and talk about how you ALL will go about planning for the future. Good luck. You can do this. Blessings, Teresa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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