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SCARED for her


FOLEYJE

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Good morning all! 

I am a 35 year old non- cancer patient. However, my mother was diagnosed late October 2018 with NSCLC IIIA. Oh, should I also should mention I am pregnant with my 2nd son, due March 2019 & work full time.

I am terrified of having to choose between support for my mother and also knowing I want to bond with my newborn. I live 1hr away. I feel like i am already being forced to choose between them and its early on. I feel thits post sounds even more selfish!

She went to the hospital in October for stroke like symptoms ... being a lifelong smoker a CT of her chest was ordered (I'm a RN so sometimes I understand just a little too much). So we got the diagnosis, the PET scan, then bronchoscopy. Initally she was to get taxol sp*) + 30 radiation treatments. Now, they are saying cisplatin/gemzar ... no radiation ... and re-eval for poss surgery IF the mass responds to that treatment. If it doesn't respond then no surgery. 

My mom has my dad (been unofficially separated for >15 years, separate bedrooms etc) and friends. I just want to do anythinng and everything I can but cry daily. I talked to a EAP counselor and my OB gave ME ativan. I want to provide her comfort but just can handle it all! 

Any advice, hope, experience with her treatment?? I just want my mom to live to meet her new grandson. She starts chemo today - dec the 27th. My mom otherwise has noother health issues other than hypertension. 

Edited by FOLEYJE
Used chemo instead of radiation
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Hi Foleyje,

Welcome. I'm sorry to hear about your mom's diagnosis and happy to hear about your baby-to-be.  You're in a difficult spot. i understand how you would be torn. You can't possibly do "anything and everythIng" for hert seems to me like your first responsibility is to your baby and your other child. Can you help find your mom other resources? Is your father a help to her even thought they are separated? Does she have other family closeby? You mention her friends. Can they be mobilized? Have you looked into websites like Mealtrain or Lotsa Helping Hands? i kmow people who have used these. They let the person with the medical issue ask for help at specific times for specific things-- for example,  a ride to a specific appointment, dinner on specific day, or maybe just a friendly visit and company. The sites also let you share info about how and what you're doing  with a network of friend if you want to. These sites let friends who want to help but aren't sure how, to see what's really needed and step up. It is also sometimes easier for the ill person to ask a network for something rather that an individual. 

I think it would be important for you to determine what you can realistically do, and commit to that, whether it's a daily phone call, a weekly visit or whatever. You're not Superwoman (unfortuntely)!.

I'm sure you'll be getting responses here  from people in situations similar to yours with a parent, and they'll probablyy have a lot of suggeations and support. These forums are a good place to find  hope and support. 

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Thank you for replying and your thoughts. 

Thank you so much for the resources. I will be looking into ALL of those.

My mom got info for volunteers that can drive you to/from chemo. Today is her 1st day (the long one) she had a friend drive her and a different one is to be picking her up.

I tried texting to see how it was going - no response thus far. I just tell myself she is napping 😉

My dad is there ... a warm body, driver if needed and a set of ears. He goes to her appointments but didn't go to chemo today which kinda hurt my feelings. My mom said she wanted to be alone. So yes - he can help but cant handle his own stress (not abusive or anything, just gets distant/ avoids)

I am going to just keep calling, texting and trying to be there as much as I can emotionally and as I am available physically. 

I commend all the patients, survivors and caregivers for going through this. Trying to gain the strength and wisdom I need to succeed I helping her

Xoxo

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Hi there,

My mom was diagnosed in 2015 with NSCLC adenocarcinoma IIIa as well. I also live about an hour away from my parents.  My mom is the caregiver for my dad, so undergoing cancer treatment was a scary thought. But everything turned out ok. I do not have kids (just a husband who acts like a baby most of the time! lol). And although I work full time, my boss is very understanding and allows me to leave whenever I need. But, it was/is stressful juggling appointments and my own responsibilities. I arranged my aunt to take my mom to chemo appointments. My mom drove herself to radiation appointments.  I made sure to be at appointments in which she met with her oncologist- that's what my schedule allowed. My mom got chemo brain and it was a challenge for her to pay bills, so I took that over. She also couldn't remember what was said during her doctor appointments,  so we made sure someone always went with her. I also made freezer meals that mom could pop into the toaster oven. I guess what I am trying to say is that you figure it out,  you have to, there's no choice. Believe me, there were many times I felt really guilty for not being with my mom, but she understood. She also knew that if she said she needed me, I would he there. That has only happened twice. You and your family will get this figured out. Crying is normal, feeling overwhelmed and out-of-control is normal too. 

I'm glad you found us, this forum was a life saver for me.

Take care,

Steff

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On 12/27/2018 at 1:02 AM, FOLEYJE said:

Good morning all! 

I am a 35 year old non- cancer patient. However, my mother was diagnosed late October 2018 with NSCLC IIIA. Oh, should I also should mention I am pregnant with my 2nd son, due March 2019 & work full time.

I am terrified of having to choose between support for my mother and also knowing I want to bond with my newborn. I live 1hr away. I feel like i am already being forced to choose between them and its early on. I feel thits post sounds even more selfish!

She went to the hospital in October for stroke like symptoms ... being a lifelong smoker a CT of her chest was ordered (I'm a RN so sometimes I understand just a little too much). So we got the diagnosis, the PET scan, then bronchoscopy. Initally she was to get taxol sp*) + 30 radiation treatments. Now, they are saying cisplatin/gemzar ... no radiation ... and re-eval for poss surgery IF the mass responds to that treatment. If it doesn't respond then no surgery. 

My mom has my dad (been unofficially separated for >15 years, separate bedrooms etc) and friends. I just want to do anythinng and everything I can but cry daily. I talked to a EAP counselor and my OB gave ME ativan. I want to provide her comfort but just can handle it all! 

Any advice, hope, experience with her treatment?? I just want my mom to live to meet her new grandson. She starts chemo today - dec the 27th. My mom otherwise has noother health issues other than hypertension. 

try to get a psychologist to visit her home. Call you insurance (mom) they will guide you through the process.  I have one it is very helpful / keep your spirit high

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