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Soscared

TERRIFIED. COUGHING UP BLOOD ! ?

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Hi All, if you read my post about being terrified, you already know but, just in case ...... in July of 17 I was told I had a SPOT on my Lung.   I chose to Ignore it because I was Too Terrified to find out about it ... I know , very Dumb !    I have OCD & Panic Disorder, I always said , I don’t want to Live knowing WHEN I’m going to DIE ..  I had Bronchitis & Sinus Infection first part of December.   I already had been having very Shortness of Breath ( heavy smoker ) & I had to use my Husbands inhaler from time to time.   Well.... ER Dr. brought the SPOT back to the Front of my mind & I starte getting Panicked & Obsessing!   I went to the Original Primary that wanted me to have a CT in July of 2017 . I read my chart while waiting for her , it said I’ll defined Mass upper right lobe , very good Probability of being Malignant, CT recommend ...   Mass measured 2.1 ... fast forward December 2018 , ER SAID mass was 2.7 so ....   17 months  it has gone from 2.1 to 2.7.   .   Should I Consider that SLOW & good news?   I’m waiting for a CT to be scheduled.....  I hadalways read that anything Under 3. Was considered a Nodule & they Waited ?  Now I know Different !    LexiCat  reassured me that it doesn’t mean a Death Sentence But Probably WAS malignant.   I also have done Not much of Anything but research the Internet for information ( not Helping me ) but it’s my Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, driving me CRAZY !!      The internet said that upper lobe was More of a Probability if in the upper lobe !    I have NO FRIENDS, NO FAMILY to lean on or even talk to .   My Husband is Disabled Veteran on Oxygen for Asbestosis & 10 more Health Issues ...    he is a a Very Quiet man , we don’t talk much at All .   He is ALWAYS positive, I’m Always Negative.  The last ER Dr. he saw told me if my Husband were not Such a Good Natured POSITIVE PERSON , he most likely wouldn’t be ALIVE !    He’s been Disabled for 14 years ( emergency brain surgery) for an Aneurism...   then little by little he started Collecting stents in his heart, developed Asbestosis, has sleep apnea , high blood pressure, sugar diabetes etc..... in the past 9 months he has had 2 Emergency Heart Surgeries & 3 Heart Procedures, 2 Brain Surgeries ( aneurism was Leaking ) had to have the coil Replaced etc..... I was a BASKET CASE , he took it All IN stride !   I was TERRIFIED at All the Surgeries & at times I wanted to Slap him for Joking with the Dr & Nurses while I was in a Panic & Crying with Fear ....  I have also read & heard that by the time Lung Cancer showed up on an X-ray , it was Too Late ....    my sister had an X-ray ( it was Clear ) she passed 18 months later with SCLC....   this just has me in a Tizzy & beside myself !    I don’t know How to navigate this site at all , I did read at one point , my first post had 10 views ( a week ago maybe).    But only LexyCat replied ? I guess I’m Expecting too much from this site but without Any Friends or Family , I Feel the NEED for communication of any kind ... I’m Sorry if I aggravate anyone, not my intention at all , all I can say is DESPERATE . HUGS& PRAYERS to all .

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Hi, soscared,

Please read the responses from me and Katie B. in your earlier post: 

We shared some tips on how to get the most out of this forum and also some information about support resources that could be helpful for you!

With gratitude,

Lauren
--
Digital Community Manager
LUNGevity Foundation

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Hello SoScared,

I am very sorry to hear what you are going through... Please don't give up reaching out to others here on this site.  I completely understand your situation regarding not having any friends or family to speak with about this... I find that most people don't understand / can't relate to not having anyone in their lives to turn to for support.  I have family but have had no interaction with them for decades now. Friends... I've always had a lot of acquaintances, but only a very few people that I've been really close to. Unfortunately, due to life circumstances / geographical moves, I let those friendships fade away. I had just moved to a new city with my son and 4 months later I was told I had multiple lung nodules - most likely slow growing cancer.  My son is on the autism spectrum. I've been single / raising him alone since he was 2 y.o.  He is now going on 21 y.o. and hoping to return to college.  I don't know what the future holds for us and I worry a great deal about him.  That is why I need a site like this.  There are some very kind people here who take the time to listen and who want to help others through this lung cancer journey.  It at least gives me a place to turn to for information and a feeling of support - even if it is in cyber space!  I appreciate the people who are not always "touchy feely" as well - they give blunt opinions that I find experienced, intelligent and well-researched.  I've learned a lot from others here on this site. I realize that we are all in the same journey and we all share a common experience - unfortunately - with cancer.

I hope that you will at least continue to work with your Doctor.  I understand what you said when you wrote:  "I don’t want to Live knowing WHEN I’m going to DIE". I think a lot of people feel that way. But, to be honest, life is not going to always work that way for us.  I've always said I wasn't afraid of dying but afraid of suffering.  Now that I'm experiencing lung cancer, I am grateful in many ways that it is giving me a chance to look at life and my priorities - it's giving me time to make memories and put more of a conscious effort into the time that I spend with my son.  I think you may feel the same way regarding your husband.  I know it's hard, but I hope you can learn to deal with this.

Be strong. Keep coming back here. Wishing you the very best... Colleen

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