FINALLY GOT TO ME

[Z_Pacific]

Greetings from Guam,

After being blessed with no symptoms for just about a year since I was first diagnosed in state IV this monster is catching up with me. Last weekend I started feeling numbness on the right side of my face, which has now turned into a total loss of feeling. In addition I have searing headaches and can’t open my mouth all the way. The doc says that the cancer has probably spread to my brain or nervous system and will progress rapidly to the end. Had to kick up the pain meds for percoset to morphine and it is barley controlling the pain.

The real downer for me is that I had to stop my teaching, which was a great pillar of strength for me. I had planned to stop on Friday but with the new meds and a real loss of energy I just could not make it to school today and will have to ride this thing out at home.

I believe that God has blessed me over this last year allowing me to continue my teaching, coaching of the soccer team and basking in the light of the love of my family. While I am really down about the progression of this demon, I believe that God that has been working through me allowing me to touch the lives of my students and soccer players and has given me time with my family to come to terms with my passing.

As DeanCarl has said, “this disease is going to kill me but it will never conquer me.” Now I am walking into the shadow of death and have no fear of that daemon for I know that when I cross that river I will be able to sit in the shade of the tree on the other side.

For those of you who think we are giving up by not seeking treatment – all I can say is that God it treating me every day and will take me when the time comes. I know now that the sand in my hourglass is low but I am still determined to get everything out of each grain that falls.

God Bless,

Howard

[dadstimeon]

Hi Howard,

My thoughts and prayers are with you and you family. Peace take care and God Bless.

Rich

[The Power Of People Helping People / The Power Of Knowledge / The Power Of God / The Power Of Believing / The Power Of Positive Thinking / The Power Of Never Taking No For An Answer / The Power Of Laughter / United We Stand, Divided We Fall / That’s The Key]

https://cissecure.nci.nih.gov/ncipubs (NCI Publications Locator)

http://www.plwc.org/plwc/MainConstructo ... 151,00.asp (PLWC Feature: Talking to Someone With Cancer)

http://www.zanesvilletimesrecorder.com/ ... 87526.html (3-year-old keeps her smile in battle with rare cancer)

http://www.rfalung.com (Radio Frequency Ablation Of Lung Cancer)

http://www.lungcancercoalition.org (Global Lung Cancer Coalition)

http://www.plwc.org/plwc/MainConstructo ... 008,00.asp (PLWC Feature: Financial Support Resources)

http://www.usnews.com/usnews/nycu/healt ... hqcanc.htm (Best Hospitals)

https://www.alcase.org/advocacy/sign_the_petition.html (Advocacy /Sign the Petition)

http://www.cancersymptoms.org (Oncology Nursing Society)

http://www.plwc.org/plwc/MainConstructo ... 008,00.asp (Questions to Ask the Doctor)

http://www.alcase.org/education/publica ... reath.html (With Every Breath A Lung Cancer Guidebook / From ALCASE / A Wealth Of Information / Free)

http://www.cancersurvivaltoolbox.org (The Cancer Survival Toolbox / Free / From NCCS)

http://www.centerwatch.com (Clinical Trails Listing Service / Center Watch)

http://news.google.com/news?hl=en&editi ... ung+cancer (Lung Cancer In The News)

http://www.thewellnesscommunity.org/pro ... /guide.asp (The Wellness Community / National Cancer Support, Education And Support / Free)

http://www.drugs.com (Drug Information Online)

http://www.alcase.org (ALCASE / Alliance For Lung Cancer Advocacy, Support, Education)

http://www.nlm.nih.gov (Unites States / National Library Of Medicine)

http://www.nlm.nih.gov/medlineplus/encyclopedia.html (Health Information / Medical Encyclopedia)

http://www.google.com (Great Search Engine)

http://blochcancer.org (R.A. Bloch Cancer Foundation, Inc. / Please read: A Letter to all newly diagnosed cancer patients)

http://www.cancer.org (American Cancer Society)

http://www.cancer.gov (Cancer Information Service / NCI)

http://www.cancerresearchcenter.org (Cancer Research Center)

http://www.aicr.org (American Institute for Cancer Research; Nutrition Hotline / AICR)

http://www.cancerhopenetwork.org (Cancer Hope Network)

http://www.acor.org (Association of Cancer Online Resources / Free Online Lifeline For Everyone Affected By Cancer & Related Disorders)

http://www.meds.com/lung/lunginfo.html (Lung Cancer Information Library)

http://www.lungusa.org (American Lung Association)

http://www.ama-assn.org (American Medical Association)

http://www.docguide.com/news/content.ns ... g%20Cancer (Doctor’s Guide / Lung Cancer)

http://www.healthfinder.gov/Scripts/Sea ... ?topic=506 (Healthfinder)

http://www.medicinenet.com/Lung_Cancer/article.htm (Medicine Net)

http://www.cancerindex.org/clinks2l.htm (Cancer Index / Lung Cancer Resources Directory)

http://www.nfcr.org/site/PageServer?pag ... ncers_lung (National Foundation For Cancer Research)

http://www.patientadvocate.org (Patient Advocate Foundation)

http://www.lungcanceronline.org/effects ... fects.html (Lung Cancer Online / Hematologic (Blood) Effects)

http://www.cancerlinks.org/lung.html (Lung Cancer Links)

http://www.cancer-free.com (Cancer Free Connections)

http://www.healthinsite.gov.au/topics/C ... ung_cancer (Health Insite)

http://www.lungcancerclaims.com (Lung Cancer / Lung Cancer Information Page)

http://www.cancerlifecenter.com/engine. ... =dictionar (Cancer Life Center/ Cancer Dictionary)

http://www.canceryellowpages.com/Resour ... G%20CANCER (Cancer yellow Pages)

http://icare.org (ICARE / The International Cancer Alliance)

http://www.vh.org/index.html (Virtual Hospital)

http://www.lungcanceronline.org/support/financial.html (Lung Cancer Online / Financial, Legal & Insurance Issues)

http://cancernews.healthology.com/focus ... cancernews (Cancer News)

[Pam]

Howard,

Please know that my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Much love...

[BeckyCW]

Howard, what a beautiful spirit you have. Thank you for your message, and for letting us know so we can keep you and your family in our thoughts and prayers especially at this difficult time. You are surely a hero to many and have taught the people around you such wonderful things about life and faith. I hope you feel less pain and more love than could be imagined.

BeckyCW

[berisa]

Howard, I adore you that you are a great teacher. My prayers are with you.

I have one question for I may misunderstand your meanings or skip some information about you. Did you ever get any treatment such as surgery, chemo or radiation after diagnosis?

If you don't mind, I am just wondering and wish to know more about your rationale behind if you rejected to receive any treatmet.

[DeanCarl]

Howard,

You are a long way from Southern California, but you KNOW I'm there with you in spirit.

They ran a public service add on TV here not too long ago. In it a man (or a woman, depending on the add) stood there, looked directly into the camera and said, "I change the world. I teach."

And if you think you're not teaching now, you've got another "think" coming. Every moment, every day, every time you touch the mind and heart of another human being, you teach. Just by being you, you teach your family and your friends. And just by being you, you have taught me.

Dean

[TheresaKB]

Howard,

I admire your courage. Your post is so beautiful and poignant I was tearing up when I read it. Please know that you have touched a lot of lives with your time spent here in the message board. You will be in my prayers and in my thoughts as you go through this journey.

Theresa

[donaf]

Howard:

I had very sad news today. The mother of one of my daughter's classmates passed away today she was a beautiful wonderful woman, mother, wife, sister and friend. She died from leukemia leaving her husband and 3 beautiful children behind.

Hours after hearing the news I received a call from a dear friend whose brother had been battling cancer and she informed me that he passed away today too he was 44. he had lung cancer that had spread all over his body. I was so saddened I cried and cried and did not know what to do. I turned to this board and came upon your post. I am very sorry for what you are going through and please know you are in my prayers.

I want to thank you for your beautiful words. My brother is trying so hard to stay positive but we all know how difficult each day is for him. Thanks for sharing your experiences with us on this board. You and Dean Carl are so brave and courageous and your posts are so beautiful. Thank you.

donaf

[Angie Daughter of Bill]

Sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. I admire your strength and spirit. May God bless you and your family!

[betplace]

As you enter this stage of your journey, know that you have touched souls and lives, a very powerful thing! My prayers and hugs go out to you and your family. May peace and serenity make your journey easier.

Blessings

Betty

[Sam'swifeShirley]

Dear Howard,

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope your pain eases soon.

Thinking of you,

San'swifeShirley

[Joe B]

Howard ,

Your faith is strong , and it is inspiring. I am comforted by your belief.

I truly hope that the symptoms you described subside, and that your health is restored. I will pray for you, my friend.

Joe

Romans 10:9-13 says, "That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved."

[gerbil runner]

Howard, I hope you and your family have many times of peace and sunshine together.

The choice of whether or not to aggressively treat such a grim disease is very personal. There is no "right" or "wrong" answer; there is only YOUR answer.

[mhutch1366]

Dear Howard,

I am very glad that you have had the past year in relative good health. I have been on morphine for a number of years now, which enables me to go about my daily business and work etc.

I had a pancoast tumor, which is exquisitely painful, growing under the shoulder blade and up my neck, having eaten through my ribs and chest wall. When the morphine couldn't contain the pain, they put me on something called a Fentanyl patch, which delivers transdermal constant medication designed for serious pain that is considered "opioid resistant". You might see if that fits the bill for pain control after the morphine dosage creeps too high.

Your body will adjust to the morphine. Beware, however, that once you're hitting the 100 mg ++ per day range ( I was in the 300-400 range) the peristalsis in your intestines begins to slow down, and can get you in serious trouble. I wound up with a colonostomy after a perforation occurred, because the whole intestine collapsed from the medication.

This seems to be one of those things the doctors forget to tell you about.

You are an honorable warrior, meeting this on your own terms. Please know that there is no reason to suffer unnecessarily. There are many many things that can be done to alleviate pain and retain quality of life.

I wish you well on your journey, and I admire your spirit.

You and your family are in my prayers.

MaryAnn

[sharyn]

Dear Howard - What you wrote has touched me so deeply. My prayers are with you and your family - may you find peace in the finality of this journey and when you reach the shade of the tree on the other side, please continue to pray for us as we will for you. God Bless You. Love, Sharon

[Fay A.]

Howard,

Praying for peace and comfort for you and those who love you.

[cathy]

Dear Howard,

Your faith is phenominal and truly inspiring..Dean is right you are still teaching.. There is such a peaceful feeling in your beautiful words, I feel like I want to say so much to you, but I cant find the words.. I am grateful to have had the chance to meet you.. You are truly a survivor and an inspiration to LCSC....Peace be with you Howard....

[J.C.]

Howard,

Prayers for you and you family.

You are an inspiration for your faith in life and God.

Sometimes we walk along a path

Beneath a cloudy sky

There's nothing to the right or left

To lift our spirits high...

Then, at last we turn a corner

And there bursts into our view

A scene of light and beauty

And the world seems fresh and new,

So always hold this little thought

That cares are bound to end,

And there's a brighter day ahead

Just waiting round the bend.

May His love sustain you,

His presence bless you,

and may He keep you very close always.

J.C.

[Lisa O]

God bless you Howard.

[Nancy B]

Howard, may God bless you and may He wrap His loving arms around you and your family and comfort you. You have touched many lives and we thank God for you.

Love and hugs to you and your family.

Nancy B

[stoydc]

Howard,

My prayers go out to you and your family and I'm so sorry to hear that you are finally getting symptoms from this terrible demon we are all fighting. Your posts are always so encouraging to me and it is so true that even though you are not taking treatment, you are definately still fighting back - and most of all, you are living your life. May God surround you with His peace and grace, and may He sustain you through whatever lies ahead. May the doctors control your symptoms and take away your pain. A friend shared with me this quote - "persistent prayer is not that God hears us, but that we hear Him" I definately know that you are hearing God and the way you live you live each day will be a blessing to everyone around you. Blessings to you . . . shirley

[karen335]

Howard,

Blessings to you and your family. May God ease the pain you are endurring and let you rest. Remembering you and your family in my prayers. Your postings are so inspirational and I admire your courage...

God Bless

Karen

[TBone]

Thank you Howard for demonstrating such courage and strength and hope.Add me to your list of people's lives you have touched.You are a true profile in courage and I have gained so much from coming here and reading your posts.I pray that the pain subsides.I pray for you and your family in this ordeal.God bless you all.TBone

[kimblanchard]

I am so sorry about the progression and the pain that you are in. Your words were moving and powerful.

May God be with you.

Kim

[Snowflake]

Howard,

I hope you can get the pain "under control" (just had a vision of a leather-clad dominatrix....sleep deprivation).

I wish you peace and quiet in the dark times. May the fear and the voices leave you alone and allow you time to reflect your life with those you love and who love you. I hope your emotional battle is easier than your physical battle. It sounds as if you have the spiritual battle under control for now.

God bless you and keep you.

Becky

aka Snowflake