lilyjohn Posted February 13, 2004 Share Posted February 13, 2004 I feel so selfish coming here like this when there is so much pain here already today. It makes my problems seem small but my pain is so sharp and I have nowhere else to turn. It just seems that lately evey up of this ride for a day or so is only setting me up for a longer and steeper fall. My heart was already heavy when I came here this morning and learning about both Buddy and Shelly's dad have made the plunge into depression faster and more frightening. About fourteen years ago Johnny's younger brother suffered a major heart attack. He was dead for six minutes when the paramedics brought him back. As a consequence he suffered major brain damage. It has also been an up and down ride for many years getting much worse in this past year and a half. Recently he has seemed so much better. He has been living with his daughter and she has been caring for him. Not only had his physical conditon improved buy his mental capasity seemed to improve daily. On Tuesday she had to rush him to the hospital because of a high temperature. He has a bladder infection and had started to go into kidney failure. They determined that one of his medications may be causing the problem. It is for siesures and the dose may be too high. He had a seisure that day and his family were told that too much can cause siesures too. Yesterday the doctor told them that they need to have a family meeting. I'm sure that will not bring good news. My heart breaks for them and I just can't face losing him too. She has been both mine and Johnny's rock when we had no one else. I want to stay positive for her but I am just so afraid. Please tho he doesn't have cancer add him to your prayers. What really frightens us is that a couple of weeks ago he told her that they would be coming for him soon. They have his place almost ready. He often talks to Johnny and his mother. I know what that means. I just don't know what is wrong with me. I just can't seem to shake myself out of this feeling of being lost with no direction. I know that I really need to find work both because I could be in serious trouble financially before long if I don't and to get me into some kind of routine. I know this in my mind but I just can't seem to give it the importance that it deserves and that really is what frightens me the most. Nothing can hold my attention any more except this board and talking with the people who knew and loved my Johnny too. I was going to put in an application today then remembered that I was told that the job requires teaching fourth grade math. I'm not qualified for that and the trip to town just seemed a waste of time. So I didn't go. I can't help but wonder if I will ever again find anything that is important enough to keep me on track. I read about Norme and saw her pain. I know so much what she is going through. Your very soul feels paralized. You give everything that you have for so long. Taking care of and being with your love takes everything that you have then all of a sudden they don't need you any more. It doesn't matter if you know that their time is short or if it comes as a sudden shock. I've been in both places and it never gets any easier. The pain is there and it is hard to look around and realize that you are not bleeding. How can such pain exist without blood? Where do you run to? That is the first thing that you want to do. You want to run from the pain but there is no where to go except into yourself. In my case I wanted to forget but at the same time I was terrified that I would forget and then lose what I had left of my life with my Johnny. I prayed everyday that I would wake up from my nightmare. It took me months to realize that would never happen. This nightmare is one that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. There is no waking up from it. As I said at the beginning I feel so selfish for having to come here and put this on all of you when there is so much pain here already. I just have nowhere else to turn. If it hadn't been for you and this beautiful place that I moved to I doubt that I would have survived much longer. You and this place seem to give me the only real peace that I can find for a short time. I pray to find work and a way to stay here. I don't think I could stand to move again even if I could afford to. So I selfishly ask for you to pray that I find some direction and something that I can do to fill part of the void inside of me. I want so much to make a difference so at least I know that there is some purpose for the pain that Johnny and I suffered for so many years. Some purpose for the pain that eats at me now. Above all please pray that his brother doesn't suffer and for his family. That I will have the strength to be here for his daughter and help as much as she has helped me. God Bless you all and bring us peace. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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