frightened and lost

[lilyjohn]

I feel so selfish coming here like this when there is so much pain here already today. It makes my problems seem small but my pain is so sharp and I have nowhere else to turn.

It just seems that lately evey up of this ride for a day or so is only setting me up for a longer and steeper fall. My heart was already heavy when I came here this morning and learning about both Buddy and Shelly's dad have made the plunge into depression faster and more frightening.

About fourteen years ago Johnny's younger brother suffered a major heart attack. He was dead for six minutes when the paramedics brought him back. As a consequence he suffered major brain damage. It has also been an up and down ride for many years getting much worse in this past year and a half. Recently he has seemed so much better. He has been living with his daughter and she has been caring for him. Not only had his physical conditon improved buy his mental capasity seemed to improve daily. On Tuesday she had to rush him to the hospital because of a high temperature. He has a bladder infection and had started to go into kidney failure. They determined that one of his medications may be causing the problem. It is for siesures and the dose may be too high. He had a seisure that day and his family were told that too much can cause siesures too. Yesterday the doctor told them that they need to have a family meeting. I'm sure that will not bring good news. My heart breaks for them and I just can't face losing him too. She has been both mine and Johnny's rock when we had no one else. I want to stay positive for her but I am just so afraid. Please tho he doesn't have cancer add him to your prayers. What really frightens us is that a couple of weeks ago he told her that they would be coming for him soon. They have his place almost ready. He often talks to Johnny and his mother. I know what that means.

I just don't know what is wrong with me. I just can't seem to shake myself out of this feeling of being lost with no direction. I know that I really need to find work both because I could be in serious trouble financially before long if I don't and to get me into some kind of routine. I know this in my mind but I just can't seem to give it the importance that it deserves and that really is what frightens me the most. Nothing can hold my attention any more except this board and talking with the people who knew and loved my Johnny too. I was going to put in an application today then remembered that I was told that the job requires teaching fourth grade math. I'm not qualified for that and the trip to town just seemed a waste of time. So I didn't go. I can't help but wonder if I will ever again find anything that is important enough to keep me on track.

I read about Norme and saw her pain. I know so much what she is going through. Your very soul feels paralized. You give everything that you have for so long. Taking care of and being with your love takes everything that you have then all of a sudden they don't need you any more. It doesn't matter if you know that their time is short or if it comes as a sudden shock. I've been in both places and it never gets any easier. The pain is there and it is hard to look around and realize that you are not bleeding. How can such pain exist without blood? Where do you run to? That is the first thing that you want to do. You want to run from the pain but there is no where to go except into yourself. In my case I wanted to forget but at the same time I was terrified that I would forget and then lose what I had left of my life with my Johnny. I prayed everyday that I would wake up from my nightmare. It took me months to realize that would never happen. This nightmare is one that I will have to live with for the rest of my life. There is no waking up from it.

As I said at the beginning I feel so selfish for having to come here and put this on all of you when there is so much pain here already. I just have nowhere else to turn. If it hadn't been for you and this beautiful place that I moved to I doubt that I would have survived much longer. You and this place seem to give me the only real peace that I can find for a short time. I pray to find work and a way to stay here. I don't think I could stand to move again even if I could afford to.

So I selfishly ask for you to pray that I find some direction and something that I can do to fill part of the void inside of me. I want so much to make a difference so at least I know that there is some purpose for the pain that Johnny and I suffered for so many years. Some purpose for the pain that eats at me now. Above all please pray that his brother doesn't suffer and for his family. That I will have the strength to be here for his daughter and help as much as she has helped me. God Bless you all and bring us peace. Lillian

[Snowflake]

Lillian,

I am worried about you. I think you have reached a place where you need a little more help. My suggestion would be a counselor through the American Cancer Society (no cost) to help you with the depression and coping skills. The counselor where I am makes "special" appointments when needed - my first meeting with her was over three hours, the second was four. I think it will help you to look someone in the eyes that will tell you that YOU are okay, that your feelings are normal and that it's okay to ask for help.

I see a non-cancer counselor twice a month, just to talk out the everyday crap that goes on with blended families and crazy ex-spouses, but that's another story...

I have found that it is almost impossible to dig myself out of the really big downward spirals. Well, not exactly true - I have found that is not EASY nor QUICK to do it myself but that I CAN do it with extreme effort. Point is, when help is available, why stress yourself to the max? It's usually pretty late in the quotient when the swirling starts to pull you under - trick is to recognize when life is heading that way and turn it around. You may need to be on an anti-depressant for a while to deal with daily issues - no big deal, temporary fix until you can make it on your own...

I went through some corporate training a while back with Bright Side. Through work, it was a team-building exercise with some extra benefits of helping to improve the individual. I would suggest reading "The Power of Building Your Bright Side" by Donna Rae Smith. The ideas in the book help not only in the work environment but also in the day-to-day ups and downs.

I am sure, Lillian, that you have the strength to help the young lady that is floundering. Maybe, the two of you can help each other to heal and become stronger.

Hang in there, Lillian, don't despair. If you cannot handle it all on your own, be strong enough to ask for help. We are all here to catch you, but sometimes, you need a tangible being for the extra push.

xxoo

Becky

[betplace]

Lillian,

Don't feel that you are selfish, you are coping as best you can and we offered our help. Becky is right, sometimes going to a tharapist is the best thing to do. I have been there and that little extra help is all that's needed to keep it all together. You have had to deal with so much and now to have to deal with more may be too much for you. Seek competant help and know that we are always praying for and loving you

Blessings

Betty

[shirleyb]

Lillian,

Make the call and get the help you need right now. There is no shame in asking for help. Depression can be very nasty and it seems you are now realizing it for what it is. Make the call.

Just pray for God to guide you and follow your heart. The job will be there when the time is right and you are ready. Easier said than done, but keep the faith. Get the help you need so you are healthy and ready when the time comes for you to go back to work.

Your family and you are in my prayers. I still pray for peace and give thanks for the blessing that are given every day.

Take care hon, you will get through this. Keep us posted.

Much love,

Shirley

[lilyjohn]

Thank you Becky, Betty and Shirley. I'm doing much better now that Valentines Day is in the past. Johnny's brother's condition has improved for now so that is a blessing. I also went to church and dinner with my landloard and his wife yesterday. It was nice to have some face to face human company for a while.

The weather is cold and rainy but somehow that seems to almost be a relief for now. I'm spending more time on my reading and sewing. I think for now I am getting out of this slump on my own. I will keep your suggestions in mind for the next time. For now I am coming here less and less. I tend to get too envolved emotionally and need a break. Once again thank you for your concern. I may not be posting much or reading as much here as I was but you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Love to you always. Lillian

[Elaine]

Lilly,

I am so glad that you are feeling better and spent some time with friends this past weekend. You are such a valuable person on this list and I look forward to reading your posts every day.

You do need to do whatever it takes for yourself and for your healing. But pls know that you are important to many of us. I lost my mom when I was nine and even now, especially now, I wish I had my mom to help me through this. My mom was also a writer and when I think of you I think that you are very much like my mother.

Elaine