t_beanes Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 I bought 3 huge red roses for Richard like I did last year when he was still alive. He has cried when I came into the hospital room with them and a letter I had written the previous night. Standing there yesterday with my flowers in my hand in front of the urne ....I just flipped. I know I am crazy but its not that I provoke this sitruation to hurt myself ....I feel I need to be in contact with him ...let him know that I love him deeply, so I even do things in the real world. Not just speaking to him in my thoughts. It is so unreal not to have him anymore. I even thought that he has until the 28.02. to live ....which is when he passed away last year. Reliving it all .Reading in my diary every day. Same like Katy I am nuts about life otherwise , working all day long in the garden or the house, or cleaning the car or what ever I can get hold of. Got gardeners in to help me brake up the ground, someone else to come and build a terrace.....planting bulbs , putting seeds into flower pots.....just busy busy.....like being afraid to stop. At night I get about 4 hours sleep before the big wheel starts rolling again in my mind and I get up ...starting my days at 5 in the morning... I tried to get more sleep drinking some beer at night but that makes me cry even more. All the things I do ask for words said by Richard...we always decided everything together. Developed ideas together. So would he like this or that is all I can think of. When no answer comes I feel lost again. Don't know what else to say....boring sameness....sorry for that.A time I thought that I was getting better but I am back in it.All this activity is covering.At least that is what I think....on the other hand I cannot cry more.So what would it cover ? Wishing you every good thing under the sun...and thank you for giving me time... Bettina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 bettina, I can totally understand where you are at. Life is harder now than it ever was. I am sorry we are hurting the way we do. It is like a nightmare at times and I just want to wake from it and know my sweetie is still here. But we know in our heads that is not to be, that is why our hearts are still breaking. You are in my thoughts and I hope life gives us some joy soon. Much love, Shirley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
t_beanes Posted February 15, 2004 Author Share Posted February 15, 2004 for answering ! This evening is so terrible again.I decided to get back on the computer to ocupy my brain \or what is left of it. I know we all have the same problem one way or the other. We all deal with it differently. You know it sounds terrible but I have decided that whenever I get hit by the same, which is very likely, than I will just sit it out. Since about Oct last year I started smoking again....just as we had said I would do ...... when I told Richard I would come after him. He asked me how and said I would start the weed again.Well, I did, when coming back from my long journey and getting to the french /spanish border I was unable to go back to the new house and its boxes and unfinishedness. I started again after 2 years...having given up before Richard got ill. There is no happyness any more and I think the way that our 20 years were the most happy of our/my life . I need no more and want no more, Why hang around .I can do anything I like. Our dog is my only responsebility.And she is getting on with her 12 years already, Sorry for sounding so glum.I am not feeling sorry ...just matter of fact really. Trying to read now or whatever. Regards to you Bettina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hope J. Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 There is no happyness any more and I think the way that our 20 years were the most happy of our/my life . I need no more and want no more,Why hang around .I can do anything I like. Our dog is my only responsebility.And she is getting on with her 12 years already, Sorry for sounding so glum.I am not feeling sorry ...just matter of fact really. Trying to read now or whatever. Regards to you Bettina Bettina - you sound very depressed and I think you might benefit from some bereavement counseling. There might be a group that meets associated with your local hospital - or if you have a church - they may have a group or some advice. Life is a precious gift - there is meaning to your life and it sounds like you might be having difficulty seeing that and learning to live differently without Richard. I hope you try reaching out, maybe making small changes to help you move on - not forgetting but learning to live differently. Pls take care, Hope Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Laura Posted February 16, 2004 Share Posted February 16, 2004 I have no great words of wisdom, but you are not alone. My mom just lost her husband on 1-10-04. She is having many of the same feeling that you are having. I can not begin to inagine how she feels. Even though we are 500 miles apart, we e-mail and talk on the phone often. Sometimes we only talk for a few minutes. I know what it's like to not feel like talking. I hope you have family to talk to. This message board is wonderful. My mom and I are not the computer people until Sam (my step-Dad) passed away. It has helped my Mom to tell others her feeling, plus it has been comforting for her to hear from others with the same feeling. It truely is a small world. Laura Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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