t_beanes Posted February 15, 2004 Share Posted February 15, 2004 I bought 3 huge red roses for Richard like I did last year when he was still alive. He has cried when I came into the hospital room with them and a letter I had written the previous night. Standing there yesterday with my flowers in my hand in front of the urne ....I just flipped. I know I am crazy but its not that I provoke this sitruation to hurt myself ....I feel I need to be in contact with him ...let him know that I love him deeply, so I even do things in the real world. Not just speaking to him in my thoughts. It is so unreal not to have him anymore. I even thought that he has until the 28.02. to live ....which is when he passed away last year. Reliving it all .Reading in my diary every day. Same like Katy I am nuts about life otherwise , working all day long in the garden or the house, or cleaning the car or what ever I can get hold of. Got gardeners in to help me brake up the ground, someone else to come and build a terrace.....planting bulbs , putting seeds into flower pots.....just busy busy.....like being afraid to stop. At night I get about 4 hours sleep before the big wheel starts rolling again in my mind and I get up ...starting my days at 5 in the morning... I tried to get more sleep drinking some beer at night but that makes me cry even more. All the things I do ask for words said by Richard...we always decided everything together. Developed ideas together. So would he like this or that is all I can think of. When no answer comes I feel lost again. Don't know what else to say....boring sameness....sorry for that.A time I thought that I was getting better but I am back in it.All this activity is covering.At least that is what I think....on the other hand I cannot cry more.So what would it cover ? Wishing you every good thing under the sun...and thank you for giving me time... Bettina Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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