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Minor Pity Party.......No Gifts Please


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I have to get this out in the open because I am suffering from a HUGE case of envy. Envy for all the wonderful couples here, Don and Lucie, Rick and Katie, David and Gay...............all those who have a loving partner to help them through. I hope you all know how DAMN lucky you are to be able to "share" this disease with someone who loves you. I thought when I got my diagnosis that I was glad I didn't have to deal with someone elses feelings. I could do what I needed to for me and be done with it. The down side of that is I HAD to deal with what I needed to do because I had no one to share it with. I am not looking for pity really. I am just trying in my own inept way of telling you that you should make the MOST of the time you have together because being alone and dealing with this SUC**!

God Bless You all,


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Oh Mo I can only imagine but I think I know what you mean... :D

Someone to force that water on you... stare at you while you eat... cringe when you cough.. make you go to the hospital when you want to stay in bed.. lol.... I remeber my Mom yelling at my dad to stop lurking!!!.. hehehe... Does that cheer you up at all? :lol::lol:

Big Hugs to you

and me the lonely hearts club... I only wish one of the nice folks on here had a good quality son for me!!!!



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Uh .... that's DEAN and Gay ... not David and Gay. But that's ok... we know who we are (I checked my drivers licence this morning while looking in the mirror. And guess what? I'm still me!!! :))

And yes, I do feel VERY lucky. I feel SO lucky for the last almost 20 years I've had with Gay. But you know something? I do NOT feel lucky that she has to go through this with me. I see her pain. I see it every time I struggle to get up off the couch. I see it every time I get short of breath and have to use my oxygen. I see it every time I have to tell her I can't do something I always used to take care of. I see it every time I have to get on that scooter just to go to the mail box.

And it hurts to see her pain. It hurts a LOT! It hurts me to watch her try to make things easier for me. It hurts to watch her try so hard to be upbeat and positive knowing all the while I am dieing. And it REALLY hurts to know that I will, someday soon, break a promise I made to her twenty years ago when I told her she never had to spend one minute alone that she didn't want to.

Lucky? Yes, I've been lucky. I have known a love I never imagined could exist and FOR SURE did not deserve. For that I am eternaly grateful.

Mo, your right. Dealing with this alone suc**. But don't envy those of us who have to watch our loved ones suffer along with us. That suc** aslo. Big time.

Let's face it. Dealing with this disease, no matter what our situation, is just plain HARD, period.

I guess there are times when the only thing we can do is pray there will be a day when NOBODY has to go through this, alone or together.


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Amen, Dean.

I'm living a May/September romance (he hates it when I say "December", so I'll cut him some slack - just don't tell) and always was under the (incorrect) assumption that my spouse would go first - after all, women live on average seven years longer than men and he's a little bit older than me... See what I get for being "sure" of something in my life?

Can't say I don't appreciate his support through this whole thing, it's been a nice luxury, BUT, I DON'T like knowing that I'm the cause for some of his stress. It's a double-edged sword, and a sharp one at that.

So, Shug, when you need to hear a friendly voice, give me a call. I'll give you the support you need so you don't feel alone - I promise.



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Dear Mo,

I can not tell you how many times I have thought how awful it would be to deal with cancer alone. Just knowing there was someone to "be there" to encourage, to talk or not to and just to sit and hold your hand. It has to help. Well, if you are taking applications for a cheerleader or whatever for your team, I would like to apply. I even have some experience and you probably feel like you knew my former employer.

Having said that, DeanCarl spoke similiar words to those I have so often heard Sam say. As I used tell him that is the way it is when you truly love someone. When your loved one is happy, then so are you. The same goes when they are sad or not felling well. It is just the way it is.

I am here to help you any way I could.

God bless us all,


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Samswife Shirley put it best I think.

No one ever wants to cause those they love painor heartache.

Randy too did not like seeing me do everything that I did for him, but that was part of the vows we took. In good times and in bad, for better or for worse. When he was so sick and said he hated what this was doing to me, I told him don't ever take my joy away. I did what I did because I loved him. He was not in this alone. We were both in this battle. And I know he would have done the same for me if it had been me who was sick.

Was it a chore or a pain, not one minute. I would have moved the mountains for him if I could have.

To those that are going through this with someone who loves you. Let them do what they need to do to feel they are in this battle with you. Let them do what makes them feel they are helping you to enjoy life as you know it now. Enjoy each day you have been given and give thanks that you are still here to be there with them. Because when it all comes down to the bottom line, we all need to be loved and know we are loved. We need to feel useful. When you are a couple, you do things for each other because you make a choice to do that. Would you do what they are doing for you if the rolls were reversed? You bet your sweet a** you would. You would do it out of love. Don't take their joy away by being sad about the rolls they are playing. Let them be partners in your life and in this battle.

So my dear, just know you are in my prayers and thoughts. I can't give you a reasurring hug through this computer that sometimes is all one needs to keep up the fight, but please know you are in my prayers.

Much love to all.


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I had to think long and hard before I replyed to this one! I have never been married, I have no children, I have not had anyone remotely resembling a significant other for over 9 years, because I realized I could not pick men who were good for me, so I stopped looking, counting on the Lord to send me someone who was good for me and who would return the love I would lavish. He has not answered that particular prayer for whatever reason.

Envy? Envy? You bet your sweet bippy I envy! I envy every one who is in or has had a loving relationship! It is my biggest regret and my greatest sadness that I could never find that special someone. I grew up in a totally disfunctional home with an alcoholic father who sexually abused my sister and myself and a Mother who was bi-polar. She thought we were competing with her, as though anyone would want that kind of treatment from their father. Though I have had therapy and help dealling with all this, I have never been able to find a nice normal person who would treat me with love and care. The men I chose were always emotionally unavailable, so I gave up.

I read a lot of pain on this board, day in and day out from those who have lost or are losing someone they love, and from those who have to watch the pain they are putting their loved ones through as they fight this disgusting horrible disease! But it is the stuff of life, there is pain and there is happiness and you just deal with it and try not to let the monster take away to much of the joy by looking past the pain to the hope and the love.

Yes I envy all of you, but I am gald to, glad that Lillian found Johhny and had his love if only for a short while, glad that Tbone is surrounded by his boisterous huge loving family, glad that Sam's lovely wife conquered her fear of the puter to join us here, glad that the David's have dog fights, glad that I found this site and that I am a member of this great family and I am especially glad that you Mo have a cute cuddly grandchild to hug when you are feeling blue.

Mo you are not alone, you have all of us, you have your family and most importantly, you have a higher power walking by your side every step of the way!




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Dean, you are not dying; you are living. Nobody is ever dying from cancer; you are living with it. Sometime in the future, hopefully very distant future, you may have died from it, but don't ever be dying from it. Maybe that came out as harsher than I intended, and if so I apologize because I don't mean it that way.

I am going to address the rest of this to Becky, but I think it likely the rest of the spouses would say the same thing:

Your cancer has hurt me this last year; watching you struggle to do things that should be easy and used to be routine hurts. I have hurt more profoundly than I ever thought possible. But because of you, I have loved and been loved more profoundly than I ever knew possible. Nothing that fulfills the vows we took is ever a sacrifice. And if you took me back a decade and showed me the future, I would gladly sign up for this all over again, regardless of what comes next.

The way I look at it, I have hit the lottery three times. First in finding you, then again in having the greatest daughter that ever lived, and finally in getting nailed with this disease in someone so young and healthy. So I am still way way ahead as far as the lotteries of life go. You, not so good, since your spouse is nowhere close to as wonderful as mine. There has always only been one thing that could end our marriage, and I hope it is decades and decades away. But even that will only transform our love and not end it.


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Hang in here my dear, if you lived closer I would help you as much as you needed or wanted me. I know what it's like to have good family and good friends lend a helping supportive hand. I don't know where I would be today had it not been for all the loving, kind, caring people in my life.


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MO, what can I say? You're entitled to a pity party, but as the other Becky said, don't forget to flush. A wise man once told me that he had very painful things to deal with (think: special forces duty in Viet Nam) and the only way to do it was to put them in a little box and lock them up tight... but once in awhile he had to get those things out of the box and look at them and maybe cry some or get angry, or whatever it took to deal with them, since they were a part of him... and then after a set amount of time, he put them all back in the box and locked them up again. I don't know what made me think of that, but it really made me think. We all have those things that are just so painful, and I think my friend was right -- You can live most of your life keeping those things at bay, but once in awhile they just have to be dealt with and they're just plain bad. I'm sorry the lack of that special someone has to be your "very bad thing," especially under the circumstances. But I see what a strong person -- and a positive person -- you are. So I have no doubt you'll remember to flush. :)

Hugs to you, and to all those who said such moving things on this topic.


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Guest Karen C

Well, I occasionally think about the single people on this board who have lung cancer and wonder how they manage on their own. Even though Dave has a difficult time expressing any appreciation to my face, I know he appreciates me, and frankly, facing the possibility of life without him has made me appreciate him a whole lot more as well. Again, I just don't know how you do it. Last year we had Dave's parents stay with us for six months which was a big help and I feel like we still barely got through it.

Don't feel bad, I think you're pretty justified in feeling that way, and you know, Mo, you seem like, overall, a pretty positive person to me, so I don't think you're whining.

Karen C. (Dave C's wife)

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Thank you all for the replies. I really don't mind not having someone special to share things with. I did have 23 years of marriage to a good man and because of that I have 2 wonderful kids and the most perfect Grandson every created (yeah, yeah I know YOURS are perfect too).

God has blessed me in many ways and this disease is just a speed bump on the journey of life.

God Bless you all,


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Mo, It seems everyone has such a talent with words and I envy them. I so agree with all that has been said. You have every right to a pity party. I lost my first husband to cancer after 27 good years. I hate to think how I would handle this cancer alone. It is too hard to think about. Fortunely after 9 years I found a wonderful man to share my life. He is older and we always thought I would someday take care of him. Imagine how I felt when we realized he would be facing this with me. He had been through this before with his first love of 46 years. I don't know how I would deal with this without him but I do so hate to see him go through this again. He reminds me that this is what love is all about. I am glad you have the support of your children and I know the Lord is with you, but it still must be very difficult. Have your pitty party, pick yourself up and who knows you may be around to find another love. God Bless

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To Betty:

This is Karen. I read your post and I have to say that you are amazingly "together" despite a pretty rough beginning in life. That's quite an accomplishment! With a positive attitude like that, I'm surprised the best single men in town aren't beating your door down. But I can also tell you are not alone, are have God with you all the time, don't you?

Karen C.

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Hi Mo,

I think you told us who your partner was in your signature (or what ever they call it) Let Go and Let God!!" "If HE brings you to it, HE will get you through it!" While I know that is the concept of “God as Copilot.” Is a little overworked; he really is there for you. I never truly understood this until I survived a massive heart attack then was diagnosed for cancer. As I naturally questioning why was this happening to me a priest made me see that God was working through me in ways that I didn’t understand. Out to this came a strength that I could turn to, when I could not turn to those around me.

What I am trying to get as is that having a wife, children, father along with a brother and sisters to support you is of great benefit it comes with a price. I constantly question if I should say this or that about how I am feeling, knowing that it causes them pain and concern. They are going to be the ones that have to deal with my passing and seeing what I put them through is very painful for me. Thus – The Price.

Talking with God gives me the time to bring all this together and put it into perspective (somewhat). So we are not alone.

Additionally we have this web site that has allowed me to share my feelings and gain those of others, as only one with cancer can talk to another with cancer.

God Bless,


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Mo, It could be worse, what if you had no PC.

When my wife decided to tell her Doctors “No more tubes, no tracheotomy” it was on my birthday. She had been intubated in the ICU several time, and was finally able to speak weakly that morning. After 46 days in the hospital because of SCLC she had the will to say “no more”. She was very feeble, but she told two of the Doc in my presence, “no more tubes” Then, breaking my heart, she turned to me, crying softly, and apologized for dying on my birthday. We both knew the end was near, but I did my best to assure her that she would not die on my birthday. I said “ Look, you are breathing alright without the respirator. You are not going to die right away, and when you do die you won’t even be aware of it. They have had to bring you back three times already and you don’t remember it”. She nodded and seemed to take some comfort from my words. We spent the day together as usual with her in and out of sleep. I left with a promise to be back in the morning, expecting that she would be all right, since she seemed stronger. I got a call in the middle of the night that she had died peacefully in her sleep. That was Jan. 29 2001

My dear wife suffered crippling arthritis with multiple hip replacements and was wheelchair bound. She had a strong will and loved deeply. She never stopped morning her father who died when she was 12.

Together, we used to sing the song “ There is a Tavern in the Town”. We would look deeply into each others eyes when we got to the part that says “ just remember that the best of friends must part, must part”, because in truth we would have to part some day.

Life alone without my dear wife had been lonely, and I worry about how I will meet the trials of cancer without a close family. I am happy that my wife will be spared watching my SCLC struggle. It would have wounded her terribly. I have had many a challenge and this is one more. I hope I can handle it with professional help, but I would not want to hurt anyone I love by sharing too much.

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