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Thank you all for your kind words. My mom was beautiful. Especially on the inside. She had grace, dignity, compassion, strength...I could go on. I miss her so much. I can't believe she's gone. My children will never know her. I can't joke around with her, banter back and forth, be sarcastic with her, hug her, gossip with her. There's just no one that can fill that void. Although I'm able to go on with my life, I feel this void and when I really start thinking about it and I'm by myself, it hurts. I've always been a very independant person, but now I feel so vulnerable. My husband mentioned that he couldn't go with my to a family gathering this weekend and I'm so mad at him. I know it's not fair for me to be mad at him, but I just am. He's been so great through all of this and I'm sure he needs a break from me, but I feel so insecure right now. I go from one minute feeling all this strength and insight of the experience and the next minute feeling sorry for myself, insecure and angry. I have gone from taking care of my mom for the last 10 months and now I have to take care of my Dad. My Dad relys on me and then the next minute pushes me away. I just don't know how to handle that.

I had my first dream of my mom the other night. She was at work, looking stylish and happy as ever. I was just staring at her and afraid to approach her. I was mentally telling myself that it wasn't her but my heart was telling me it was. I then approached her and said, "hi mom" and she said, "sweetie, it's not me, I'm not here anymore". We had eye contact for a while without saying anything and that was just it. I just wanted to touch her, hug her but it was like putting my hand through air. My dream was so real. I wanted to feel her so bad. I woke up just crying. It was the worst I've felt since she's been gone.

I have a video of her and I want to watch it, but I have a feeling I'm going to feel like I felt in my dream. I don't want to feel that pain.

Sorry for the rambling and feeling sorry for myself. It helps to get all this out. I'm feel very sad today.

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