Carleen Posted April 28, 2003 Share Posted April 28, 2003 I don't know why I am feeling so down, but lately there is no rhyme or reason to my emotions. I've been trying to keep positive for the last few weeks, but this weekend I trapped in a bit of a self-pity party. I just feel like my heart is breaking and I'm suffocating. The worst part is that I feel guilty because most of what I was focusing on this weekend was not my husband. He actually had a good weekend. His second dose of Chemo was Friday and it didn't make him as nauseous or tired as the last one, so he was up and about, raked the leaves in the yard and went golfing. I was happy he was feeling ok, and able to go out with friends and try and get away from cancer for a little while. But while he was gone for those three hours is when I started to feel like hell. It just seems I can never get away from these feelings. I can never escape the cancer. I live, eat, breathe cancer. While I'm at work I am constantly thinking about him, and taking every conscious concentrated ounce of energy trying not to break down and to get some work done. When I am home, I am there only for him. Not that he asks for much or is needing me to be there like that, I just can't tear myself away from him because I feel like I'm not going to have enough time to show him just how much I love him. Most of what I'm doing is mourning the loss of MY life. I feel like I am in a horrible nightmare, and I just want to wake up and have everything like it use to be. It makes me realize just how blessed and wonderful my life has been up until now. And I am being horribly selfish, because I don't want it to change, and I can't be thankful for what I've had, I just feel cheated for what is potentially going to be taken from me. I've had a great childhood, loving parents, close brothers and sisters. I've never lost anyone close to me. Didn't have lots of money, but I never wanted for anything. I dated two or three men that caused minor heartache, but then I met my husband and knew instantly that he would never break my heart. I've never been so in love and been loved so much in return. And that was nine years ago, and that love has grown more each day. People always said that after marriage, things get comfortable and you love one another but the infatuation goes away. For us it never did. We are still "In Love", I still get giddy when he calls me at the office. Every morning for nine years, I've been woken up by my husband kissing my face and stroking my hair because he can't imagine a day that didn't start without wishing me a good day and getting kisses. I use to give him a hard time about letting me sleep in, especially on the weekends because he'd get up hours earlier, and he'd wait as long as he could before he got too impatient and had to wake me to have my company. Now I think about things like... how am I ever going to go through a day if he doesn't start it with a kiss and telling me to have a good day, and he'll be thinking of me all through it. I want to be thankful for the good times I've had, and the time we still have together, but I am stuck in self pity. This weekend was a beautiful weekend, especially for a Wisconsin spring, and usually we would spend it together doing something around the house, or more likely than not, my husband would be dragging me around a golf course. With his exhaustion now, we don't do much more than lay on the couch and watch tv together. I just want to spend one day, where I go through 24 hours, and the topic of cancer never comes up, never has to be considered before eating something or doing an activity. I want my selfish, carefree, blissfully happy life back. Please, someone help me get out of this funk!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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