I could use an emotional boost

[Carleen]

I don't know why I am feeling so down, but lately there is no rhyme or reason to my emotions. I've been trying to keep positive for the last few weeks, but this weekend I trapped in a bit of a self-pity party.

I just feel like my heart is breaking and I'm suffocating. The worst part is that I feel guilty because most of what I was focusing on this weekend was not my husband. He actually had a good weekend. His second dose of Chemo was Friday and it didn't make him as nauseous or tired as the last one, so he was up and about, raked the leaves in the yard and went golfing.

I was happy he was feeling ok, and able to go out with friends and try and get away from cancer for a little while. But while he was gone for those three hours is when I started to feel like hell. It just seems I can never get away from these feelings. I can never escape the cancer. I live, eat, breathe cancer. While I'm at work I am constantly thinking about him, and taking every conscious concentrated ounce of energy trying not to break down and to get some work done. When I am home, I am there only for him. Not that he asks for much or is needing me to be there like that, I just can't tear myself away from him because I feel like I'm not going to have enough time to show him just how much I love him.

Most of what I'm doing is mourning the loss of MY life. I feel like I am in a horrible nightmare, and I just want to wake up and have everything like it use to be.

It makes me realize just how blessed and wonderful my life has been up until now. And I am being horribly selfish, because I don't want it to change, and I can't be thankful for what I've had, I just feel cheated for what is potentially going to be taken from me.

I've had a great childhood, loving parents, close brothers and sisters. I've never lost anyone close to me. Didn't have lots of money, but I never wanted for anything. I dated two or three men that caused minor heartache, but then I met my husband and knew instantly that he would never break my heart. I've never been so in love and been loved so much in return. And that was nine years ago, and that love has grown more each day. People always said that after marriage, things get comfortable and you love one another but the infatuation goes away. For us it never did. We are still "In Love", I still get giddy when he calls me at the office. Every morning for nine years, I've been woken up by my husband kissing my face and stroking my hair because he can't imagine a day that didn't start without wishing me a good day and getting kisses. I use to give him a hard time about letting me sleep in, especially on the weekends because he'd get up hours earlier, and he'd wait as long as he could before he got too impatient and had to wake me to have my company. Now I think about things like... how am I ever going to go through a day if he doesn't start it with a kiss and telling me to have a good day, and he'll be thinking of me all through it.

I want to be thankful for the good times I've had, and the time we still have together, but I am stuck in self pity. This weekend was a beautiful weekend, especially for a Wisconsin spring, and usually we would spend it together doing something around the house, or more likely than not, my husband would be dragging me around a golf course. With his exhaustion now, we don't do much more than lay on the couch and watch tv together. I just want to spend one day, where I go through 24 hours, and the topic of cancer never comes up, never has to be considered before eating something or doing an activity. I want my selfish, carefree, blissfully happy life back.

Please, someone help me get out of this funk!!!

[renee]

Carleen,

As I read your post I laughed...not at you, but at your words and feelings. I think there is a post on here somewere with the same words from ME.

I hate this damned disease!!! I have said the same thing so many times.

I felt so bad for you, until I heard about your wonderful husband. Now I'm just jealous, he sounds amazing and you are right, you are so lucky to have that relationship. I am 31 years old and I have never felt that way. I have been married twice already and never did I feel that way about any man.

By the way, the picture, I assume that is you and your hubby.... all I can say is "hubba hubba".... That is one good looking man.

I'm laughing at my post now...lol.... I don't know if all of what I said could have possibly helped you ... sorry...lol... you are a lucky woman.

Enjoy!!!! All will be well. I can't imagine God sending you such a wonderful , hunk, for just 9 short years. There are a lot of people who go through this and LIVE.

Ohhh... and GET OUT OF THAT FUNK!!! lol.. just kidding.

thanks for supporting me, if I can laugh at a time like this, well damnit.... so can you.....

[Candy]

Hi Carleen,

I wish I had an answer for you regarding how to get out of your funk. I don't, I can only tell you that somedays are better than others. Sometimes I spend the day having a pity party and the next I can actually have a few moments of pleasure. The cancer will probably not be far from your mind for a long time and from what everyone says, its okay to have all these emotions - it comes with the territory. I have much of the same emotions that you have, my life is only Hugh right now. I go to work because I have to. I come home and spend every single second with Hugh because I just don't know how long I will have him with me. I have taken a leave from our volunteer ambulance services (because I am afraid of picking up something Hugh might catch, but more because I feel the need to be with him all the time), I don't see my friends unless they stop in to see me, I don't do anything socially unless it includes Hugh. Though we did a lot together before he was diagnosed, we never felt the need to be together every single second. But that was BC (before cancer) when I thought our lives would go on forever. I have many good friends who have tried to talk me into doing other things. The most recent was a water exercise class that I looked at and briefly thought "Gee, this sounds like so much fun" I then immediately felt selfish and guilty and thought, "don't be stupid, it very likely you will have long time to do this stuff, you may not have Hugh and you need to spend as much time as possible with him now while you can." I don't know if thats right or wrong, healthy or otherwise, I suspect its wrong and unhealthy and I think the best thing you could do is to get away from it all for a while, pamper yourself with a day at the spa, the beach, shopping, ANYTHING! I know my kids are always telling me to get out more and I know its likely that, for me, it probably won't change. So, this probably doesn't make you feel any better, at least we know we are having normal reactions. For what its worth, when I am overwhelmed, I try very hard to take one day at a time. When I find myself projecting I try really hard to get back to "today". I'm not always successful but when I am its a good thing. Also, I repeat to myself all the time what I have heard so much on this board: there is no cancer that is fatal 100% of the time. Miracles happen ALL THE TIME!!!!! Every single day there are great strides made in cancer research. Your husband is young and previously healthy. They told Hugh and I that his health would be a great plus for him because he would be able to tolerate an aggresive chemotherapy. He is 59 (still considered young they tell me) and just for the record, I am 47.

I don't know what everyone else thinks, but I think you need to be able to have a pity party and be angry sometimes. Just to be able to vent is theraputic. This is a great place to vent I think because you know that everyone understands. The "I know how you feel" aren't just empty words around here!

And, we are over 250 strong here - how can God ignore such loud voices!

[Don Wood]

Carleen, what you are experiencing is normal. You are threatening with losing your husband, and that has overturned your life. Your husband has the right idea -- get out and enjoy. Take a lesson from him and do the same. We all, survivors and caregivers, have to carve out part of the life that is "cancer free" and enjoy it. It is the only way we can survive. And maybe, when your husband went off, you resented not having that time with him because you feel there isn't that much. Actually, you both need some time apart, as well as together. I'm pleased for your husband recognizing his needs and acting on them. I am sorry it caused distress for you. Think of constructive ways to find life and live it abundantly. Blessings. Don

[Guest canuckwebgrrl]

Carleen,

First, let me say that my step-dad being diagnosed and your husbands diagnosis are two different situations. But the feelings you have, I have had too. I've never lost anyone either (not even a family pet), and the SCLC diagnosis threw me for a loop. I'm not pushing pills, but maybe a trip to your GP will help you. There are many caregivers on this board who are taking anti-anxiety/anti-depressants. For me, just to be able to say 'this is how I'm feeling...' and have my GP tell me I'm OK helped tremendously. It's easy to get caught up in an obsessive thinking pattern, but a visit to your GP might at least give you back the feeling that you are handling things alright.

Thinking positive thoughts, and sending you ((((((((hugs))))))))

[Bonnie]

Carleen:

I understand how you are feeling. When Howard was dx I just feel apart. We both work at the same hospital and neither one of us came back in until we got some of the answers and tried to cope with this. We have only been married a little over 2 years and I felt very, very alone from the time they told us. I was already seeing myself as widow again and that was something I never wanted to go through again. But with the help of some very dear friends, and a lot of praying we got back on track. Howard has just started back to work after being off since November 26th, I had to come back to work after 2 weeks! When I pulled out of the driveway I felt so alone, I was leaving Howard and I didn't know how much longer we had together. But after many long hours of thinking I realized none of know that. We started taking this negative and turning it into a positive. We learned how much we really do love each other, I had to be his strength when he was down. I was the one who kept all the doctor's appts. straight, but in the meantime I couldn't remember what bill was due when. All that mattered was getting Howard through this!

When he has now completed all of this treatments except one. He is back to work and the last CT showed the cancer is gone from the left lung. All brain and bone scans are negative as well. For right now that's all we can ask for. One day at a time. I also saw my doctor and got on some antidepressants.

Please remember you are not alone, we are hear anytime during the day or night!

Bonnie

[Guest Bessb]

Carleen

I feel your pain, I have been on both sides. I have been the caregiver and now its my husband who has to give the care. I have the same diagnosis as your husband and am being given the same chemo (Irinitecan) that he is getting. He is actually the first one I have read about on these message boards who is getting it besides myself. Cancer sucks and I believe we are all entitled to our days of self pity, I think we have all earned it. This message board is the place to come and vent, I know it has helped me so much since my diagnosis. There are so many kind and understanding people on here, I don't know what I would do

without it.

I hate this disease and when I saw your picture with your husband it just broke my heart. He is so young to have this horrible disease and you are so young to be put in the position of a caregiver! You are a beautiful couple.

Try and take some time out for yourself, get out of the house even if its just for a little while to do something you enjoy. If you don't take care of yourself you won't be any help to him.

Bess B

[kimblanchard]

Carleen,

I think I know what you are feeling....the thoughts start to whirl and suddenly you feel like you are sliding and slipping and there is nothing to hold on to.....you have to take a deep breath because suddenly your heart is in your throat!

It's called anxiety. And it comes with this territory...the territory of being the care giver...the spouse....the loved one of one who is the warrior....

When I look at the picture of you and your husband - I just smile....Your husband looks like a very young Mike. Mike always wore a mustache but on those rare occasions when he shaved it.....well.....there is a definite resemblence.

It breaks my heart to hear you describe your relationship too. I get frustrated because I too have a love that many will never experience.

I sometimes just cry out to God....Why are you taking a 'happy couple' to let this happen to? Why not someone who would love to get out of their marriage? I want more time God...I need more time.

And yet - we have had almost 32 years of marriage. I shouldn't be greedy. I see how you and your husband have been married only nine years...and then I thank God for the years I have had.

It's okay to feel these feelings Carleen....Just don't let your fears and anxiety about tomorrow...rob you of TODAY.

No one is promised tomorrow...or even our next moment. I'm reminded of that so often. I post on a grandparents board...and recently one of my friends there had a co-worker who lost his father to a sudden heart attack.

On another cancer survivor board - a woman's husband's best friend dropped dead as they were leaving work together one night.

I have to remember - Mike is no more terminal than any one of us. The doctor's might think he is....but in reality....he isn't. He could still outlive me.

Make the most of each day. Don't worry about tomorrow because today's troubles are sufficient for today. Jesus said that....and nothing could be more true!

One day at a time.

Love and hugs,

[Carleen]

Thank you everyone for all your kindness and support. I knew when I was in the midst of my downward spiral that this was the place to come, because you all would understand and be able to relate. Bess said it well; CANCER SUCKS!!! I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!! I know we all share that feeling.

It was almost funny, the same day I was feeling so down, I read Katie's posting about being up at 2AM, and I laughed, it was almost as if those were my thoughts and words exactly. It seemed a few of us had a bummer of a weekend.

Thank you Renee for making me laugh, I know I am really lucky to have him, and he really is a looker. I could stare at him for years and never get tired of it.

Shannon, you are so strong, I hope to someday be as positive and courageous as you are. I've also felt that you must love your Mike like I love my Keith. It really shines through. We have been blessed with them. I've at times thought this would be so much easier if I didn't love him so much, or why couldn't this happen to a bad couple. But then I think, I wouldn't ever wish this on anyone, it can't ever be easy, and everyone has someone who truly loves them. We've been married for only 3 1/2 years, but been together for a total of nine, and it just doesn't seem like enough, so I'm not going to give up (he better not be either).

Canuckwebgrrl, Candy, Don & Bonnie, thank you as well, you were all right on about how I feel when I am not with my husband. I am just so scared all the time, and feel that I NEED to be with him every second possible because I don't know how much time we have together. But that is the wrong way to think, we will be together, we will beat this together. Plus he has needs that don't require me hanging on him every second and I have to try and do the same. It's just so hard to get past that fear. I have thought about seeing a GP for anti-depressants like canuckwebgrrl suggested, but I don't know. I'm not much of a pill taker, I have a long commute to and from work, am afraid of being drowsy.

Thanks Again for being there for me to vent to

Carleen

[Karma1976]

Carleen....look at how happy this banana is??? He is like why is Carleen down...i am dancing so happily for her.....how can anyone resist my dancing style and not smile...don't disappoint the banana!!!

[Carleen]

Karma, I love that banana. Boogie down baby!!

[Tracy]

Hi Carleen,

I have only been dealing with this disease for a short time now but what has helped for me was taking all the negative energy and turning it into anger. Once I get angry enough about the situation it makes me want to fight like hell (although I cant fight for my dad I can for myself). I can appreciate that it is different for me dealing with the potential loss of my father than it is for you, and that everyone deals with things differently but this way of dealing with it has stopped the pity party for me. I no longer allow myself to think about the "what if's" because they are no longer a possibility for me.

Keep your chin up!

[Laurie]

Carleen,

Your husband is so young and strong. Renee is right he is handsome! And you both look so great together. Reading your post made me smile when you talk about him, you are so lucky to have found a special connection like that.. a true love! Gives us divorcees hope eh Renee?Does he have a brother??? LOL!!

He is going to beat this! With you by his side and a the doctors giving him good care he will beat this! and you will be back on your way to bliss and happily ever after in between 3-6 month CT scans! Just a bump in the road of your journey together! Hang in there and keep us posted.

Many blessings to you and Keith.

Laurie