I have 2 friends with lung cancer who still smoke.Help!

[Guest cbysea1]

Hi all,

I have 2 women friends/acquaintances in my town who have lung cancer and they still smoke. We aren't close friends but now we share this disease.I am the oldest ,57 and they are about 10 or less years younger than me.

They are not stupid women in any other important matters. Well maybe they are....just plain stupid.

I don't know what to say to them anymore .

One says its impossible for new cancer cells to grow while she is in treatment(Radiation and chemo).

The other says she has cut down to 5 ciggs a day.

Both have gotten rid of their initial cancer tumors and are now working on "questionable" new spots.

They both started with breast cancer.

When they lost their breast's and had cured their initial cancer , later ,it metastasized to their lungs and bones.

I was in a quit when I became ill.I understand how hard it is for them to quit smoking , Firsthand!

I want them to know it does matter. I thought if you all could say it better than me , I would print it out and give it to them.

I know chemo works well with my small cell but I don't know exactly what kind of lung cancer they have.They take different treatments than I do.

I realize I can't fix anyone.I just want to help them gain more years of their lives.

They NEVER smoke around me nor do they talk about it except to say they feel they were safe while under treatment.

How dumb is that????

If anyone has a good piece of advice I will give it one last try to change their minds by printing out any responses to this post.

Thank you for your help.

Cheryl_Child of God

_________________

[Fay A.]

They are not "...stupid...". They are addicted. I, too, know how difficult a habit it is to stop ( stopped my 3 cigarettes a day well in advance of my diagnosis). But I also know I would have cut off and shut out someone who resorted to the kind of judgemental name calling that you've just exhibited. Of course I have a little hang up about being called "...stupid..." that predates lung cancer.

These ladies need help from someone they believe in who actually cares about them. And they have to want to help themselves.

This is the Lung Cancer Survivors for Change site. One of the things I am trying to do as a member of this site is to help to change the attitude of John and Jane Public about Lung Cancer Survivors and the stigma associated with a diagnosis of Lung Cancer. I don't see that what you are doing is particularly helpful with this goal. If you want to beat yourself up publicly for being responsible for you developing Lung Cancer then by all means castigate away; there's a whole bunch of people out there who are going to give you all the approval you want for beating yourself up because they agree with you. I don't.

[gerbil runner]

"Denial" ain't just a river in Egypt.

You know they are making treatment more difficult. They probably do, too. You can't change someone's mind if they don't want it to change.

Let it go. Concentrate on using this story to convince young smokers or would-be smokers that it is VERY hard to quit. Most young people who start smoking feel they can quit at any time.

[Connie B]

I'm sorry your friends continue to smoke, but I have to agree with Fay A. We need to STOP the name calling here. I also want to add that your friends are NOT dealing just with LUNG CANCER. They have breast cancer that has SPREAD to the lung and bones, this is NOT the same as having lung cancer, in fact it would be worse because it has Metasitatise.

They may be at the last of there treatments, or the end of the road, and if that may be the case then I say, ENJOY all you can with the time you have left.

I have a gentlemen in my Support Group who continues to smoke. WE LOVE THIS MAN, and none of us judge him for what he is doing. I to know the difficulty in having to quit smoking. I also lost my father, mother and sister to lung cancer before I was diagnosed, but I don't think I am or was STUPID! I hope NOT! There may be ALOT more to your friends stories that you don't know about, being you don't know them that well. Be Gentle. We all have our downfalls. I think we need to be supportive to one another and not point fingers just because someone smokes! I'm to the point that I don't care if someone comes on this board that smoked or didn't smoke, and if we think about it, what difference does it make anyway? WE'RE HERE! With or without cigarettes we have lung cancer. Just food for thought.

I know you care about them, but maybe just be kind! God Bless.

[Guest cbysea1]

You know what?

You are so right.

I cant believe my words sounded so mean.The words on the screen look/sound different then the words in my head.The meaning isn't the same at all.

I don't know where my mind was on last nights post.

I re-read it and I sound petty and small minded. I didn't mean it like that.

That post sounded "stupid' of me.

I apologize for offending you and anyone else.

This a good example of why I shouldn't get on the computer while steroids are running through me and after I take my night meds .

The 2 women I was referring to , we had coffee this morning .

I showed them my post and they weren't offended because they know me. However they did agree it looked real bad in print and that I had any complaints coming .

Both wish they didn't smoke . Both have said when they finish with their last chemo rounds they will try to quit.

I will never bring it up again.

I see I am no help by my nagging them.I cant control myself let alone anyone else.

Its just they are too young to be this sick.They have so much more life to live.

I totally get addiction.Believe me.I wish I didn't understand it first hand.

I have fought many a demon and won but I could never stop smoking.I am only quit now because of the lung cancer.

*Denial* ...that sounds like me alright.The light bulb went on when I read you alls replies.

I agree and I think the bottom line is that I do want to smoke like they do. That post was more about me than I realized.

I guess I wanted/needed another viewpoint about not smoking with or without cancer treatments because I have worn mine out.

I sometimes think I can't hold out from smoking much longer.Thats when I go to bed.

I still use the nic a haler .That's just enough nicotine to keep me craving.I cant seem to get rid of it right now.

I don't know who I am anymore.

First I beat my self up and then I want to personally stomp out tobacco because I am afraid I might smoke it all given half a chance.

Then I go from anger to self pity to feeling like an alien around everyone I know , all in a few hours and days.

Again I am sorry to have appeared to be so uncaring and small minded.

That is 100% opposite of who I believe I am.

Cheryl

[tess]

Cy,

Everyone who has quit smoking knows how bad this addiction is. If you need help, I reccommend this website, "whyquit.com" it is a great place for information to stay strong and get off the nicotine for good. Using the inhaler is only prolonging the addiction. It only takes 3 days for the withdrawls and then its all mental. Check it out, I had success with it and so have a lot of other people around the world. Maybe your friends should check it out too! There is a website for support too, called "freedom", but you have to be quit for 3 days first to join. Just read all you can and it will help you overcome this killer addiction! This website just may help your friends and you more than you can imagine! God Bless!

[betplace]

Cheryl,

I think that before you were too hard on your friends, now you're being too hard on yourself. You are fighting 2 monsters, addiction and sclc. Give yourself a break! You posted with the best of intenrtions, a chance to help some friends, you get an A+ for that. You also now realise that they need to help them selves, you can't help them. Give your self an A+ for that. Worry about yourself now sweetie. You can give up the inhaler, and with God's help, you can beat the cancer beast! We love ya and support you in both fights, do the same for your friends!

Blessings

Betty

[dani hobbs]

Please don't castigate yourself--just take as good care of yourself as you can. My sister tried & tried & tried to stop smoking---she was able to quit for 6 years, then started again. It's such a powerful addiction, I've never seen anything so strong, not even heroin addiction. My sister just pounds herself with guilt, but I tell her, it's done, it's happened, you can't go back, & I try to bathe her in positive feelings & love. Getting better--that's what matters now.

[OhioKat]

Smoking is a damn powerful addiction. I remember in the days while I was waiting for my tests to come back during my inital diagnosis how totally crazy I was when I first tried to quit. I was to simply put it a maniacal witch, I was evil with a capital E. When I stumbled onto a pack of smokes my sig other had hidden I sucked 5 of them down without batting an eye and suddenly felt "normal".

Of course my next feeling was extreme guilt for smoking with this tumor growing inside me.

I bought a pack of the Nicotene gum the next day, its the only reason I was able to quit, its been over a year and I still want a cigarette at least one a week it seems. I've thought about getting the gum again but I don't want to trade one nicotene addiction for another, although I swear that if this disease progresses to the point that I know & the Drs know its terminal I think I may go out & buy me a pack.

I hope your friends quit now, it won't be any easier after the chemo it may even be harder if they are lulled in to a false sense of security if they think the cancer is gone.

[Elaine]

Cheryl

You've gotten a lot of good advice to your post. I finally realized that I, too, had bought into the stereotpe that I alone had "caused " my disease. That's what "they" want you to believe because it makes "them" feel better (superior and untouchable) and it gives the medicail profession a convenient rationalization for why more is not being done to tackle this disease. But on a softer note, I imagine it gives some people a way to separate themselves from something that they fear, and all humans have a tendency to want to do that, I guess.

I am glad you listened closely to what Fay was saying. She tells it like it is, and she's been on this road a long time and we all need cherish the wisdom she has accumulated.

I am learning to give myself a break, and it's not easy. But coming here has helped me so much.

Elaine

[Guest]

Hi All,

My father has SCLC and my father-in-law has NSCLC. My father quit smoking a fews years before being diagnosed with lung cancer. My father-in-law still continues to smoke even though his Onc said that if he finds out that he has been smoking he will stop treatment. My father-in-law has no health insurance and is getting free care from the University of Iowa. I understand how you are feeling. My father-in-law tells everyone he has quit(for 3 months) but he hasn't. He even found a way to smoke when he was in the hospital for complications. All of us have been giving him money to pay for his medications, rent, and everything else. I know how difficult it is to quit because I was also a smoker but quit cold turkey about 9 years ago. My husband and I are frustrated that we are pouring money/time into someone who clearly doesn't want to help himself. Where and how do you draw the line in helping someone who doesn't want to help themselves? I'm sorry for venting it is just that his dad has NEVER been part of our lives. He never calls (we live in CA) or cares about anyone in his family and when he found out he had cancer he then starts being interested in us because he wants money (he is also unemployed...got fired from several jobs). My husband is torn because he doesn't want to abadon his dad but he just can't support the choices that his dad makes. How do we resolve these feelings?

daviskathi

[Fay A.]

Hey, DavisKathy,

Your husband doesn't want to abandon his Father? There's helping, and there's enabling. And frankly, based on what you have written, it sounds like the Father abandoned the son (and everyone else) a long time ago.

The choice to smoke or not, the choice to avail themselves of the help that is being offerred is THEIRS to accept or refuse. What is wrong with you and your husband and all the others presenting your side just the way you have done here? Tell him that the condition of his treatment at the University of Iowa is that he doesn't smoke. Report him if he doesn't comply. Tell him that you are ethical people who are not going to be a party to that kind of deception. He may not be paying for the treatment, but someone is. And they deserve a return on their investment. I believe in helping people. But they have to help themselves. Offer to help with the cost of a smoking cessation class and aids. But tell him exactly what you told us....that you expect a return on your investment in his health. And frankly, a little gratitude wouldn't be amiss, either.

I don't get it....I am so grateful for anything anyone gives me. Their time, their affection, their help, whatever. I don't get it when others take with no thought to the giver. I don't even know if someone like that is capable of understanding that what you are doing is GENEROUS and loving, and not everyone will do for their families like you and your husband are doing.

I think you know where to draw the line. At his feet. And I think you can draw it with a clear conscience.

[Cindy RN]

I am so glad to see the subject of smoking being brought up here. I have seen it several places on the boards about--'I have cancer BUT I never smoked'. Well --I did. I started when I was a teen-dumb thing to do-HAD to be accepted Well many years later, I end up with sclc. I was one of those who thought it won't happen to me Now the first thing someone asks when they find out I have LC is "Did you smoke?' LIKE I am totaly to blame--I was addicted, the government pours millions into subsidies for tobacco farmers, they make a fortune off the taxes on them, and who gets all the blame for getting lung cancer?? The smoker. I accept the fact that I damaged my lungs with cigs but I never asked to get this disease. When someone gets skin cancer are they asked-did you tan? When someone has heart disease are they asked -did you eat high fat foods? When someone gets diabetes are they asked -did you have to much sugar in your diet? Is a woman asked after she is raped -did you ask for it (hopefuly those days are gone!)? OK I am ranting. I do not do this very often but I have to deal with this day in and day out. I love life and don't want to hurt peoples feelings when they ask me. Actually I want to smack them Not really Sorry I carried on. I do love you all! And cybysea1 you are a great friend to those 2, keep up the good work.

Love Cindy

[betplace]

Well I am glad all viewpoints are valid here! Cuz I just want to say this. I started smoking in 1969 at age 16, I smoked 2 plus packs a day for all that time except for 3 years off in the early 90's, until I quit 1 month before my dx because my chest hurt in a wierd way. They made my breath and clothes smell, I had a constant cough. My walls and cutains were always cream color. I spend gobs of money on it that could be better spent on other things. And yes, I have Extensive stage Small Cell Lung Cancer, which is reserved almost exclusivly to smokers.

But you know what the really crappy thing is, having said all that? I could happily get in my car and run up to the store and buy a pack of ciggs right now and smoke them! I was and am totally addicted to them and I am grateful I am very hypnotizable and that I am not smoking. But I have to suppress the urge every day and I quit in Sept of last year. Its really a hard thing to quit!

Blessings

Betty

[tess]

NO ONE DESERVES TO GET LUNG CANCER!!!!!!!

I JUST WISH OUR GOVERNMENT WOULD FESS UP AND DO SOMETHING INSTEAD OF ALLOWING IT TO HAPPEN AND BENEFITING FROM IT

[Guest Karen C.]

Cheryl,

don't worry about the name calling. you care about these people and it's frustrating to you to see them destroying themselves. sometimes it hard to articulate those strong feelings in a tactful way. believe me, I'm the queen of that problem . . . .

It sounds like they have breast cancer metastisized to their lungs, not lung cancer. still doesn't matter, they need to stop.

I nagged Dave to PLEASE PLEASE quit smoking the entire ten years we were married before his diagnoses. Wouldn't do it. He was addicted, sure, but the denial in his head helped make the addiction stay.

When he got diagnosed, he had not smoked for a week or two because he felt so bad, breathing was so poor (was being treated for bronchitis I think, maybe asthma). Then, when the oncologist sat down with us in Dave's hospital room and said "the kind of lung cancer you have is almost always caused by smoking. No matter what we do for you, if you continue to smoke you will die, the treatment will not be effective." That's all it took. Dave hasn't touched a cigarette since. He went to the hospital emergency room on March 22 last year (one day after our tenth anniversary) so he's probably been smoke free for a year already.

My point: yes, it's a horrible, hard, addiction, but you can beat it, and if your will to beat the addiction is strong enough, you can overcome it. What did it take for Dave? A hard reality, and a strong stubborn will to live.

I know this is a sensitive subject, I know alot of people are defensive about their smoking addiction, and I also know that lots of people never touch a cigarette in their life and still get lung cancer - lots of people on this board. For them, I'm sorry that people assume you smoked. I think it sucks. But at the same time, people, especially young people, have GOT to realize that if they start smoking when they are young, they will get a hard addiction, and they are very possibly killing themselves. In my opinion the best way to get that message out is by not beating around the bush on the smoking issue.

That being said, let me make sure everyone who smoked and got lung cancer understand - YOU WILL DON'T DESERVE TO GET LUNG CANCER. Not anymore than the folks who didn't smoke and got lung cancer. Not anymore than any other person in the whole wide world who got any kind of cancer. BUT IF SMOKING CAUSES CANCER, THEN TELLING PEOPLE I SMOKED AND I GOT LUNG CANCER CAN ONLY HELP OTHERS NOT SMOKE OR INSPIRE THEM TO TRY TO QUIT, in my opinion.

So, I don't blame you for caring about your friends and how you feel. I felt the same way, but luckily, I no longer have to worry about Dave. He totally got the message, once he got diagnosed. And because of that strong will to live and beat his addiction, it looks like he will be around to help me raise our daughter Faith.

(Ok, also have to say that alot of strong prayer, asking God to heal Dave, not only beat his cancer into remission early on, but also gave him the strength to beat back the addiction).

I've hestitated a hundred times in the past to post my feelings on smoking and cancer, because I know and understand people are sensitive about it. But as a victim of smoking and lung cancer (innocent bystander/spouse) this is how I feel.

Enough rambling. Print this and show it to your friends if you'd like. It's from my heart.

God Bless,

Karen C. (David C's wife, mom to precious Faith)

[Fay A.]

If our government ''fesses up'' then it will have to accept responsibility, and if it accepts responsibility it will be held accountable...and we all know how THAT goes. You want to find out JUST how culpable our government is on the issue of smoking, lung cancer, etc. then start back in 1964 when the Surgeon General released the now famous report condemning the use of tobacco. Do a computer search on the time line pulling tobacco ads from television and printing warnings on cigarette lables in support of the Surgeon General's position. While you're at it research the military "C-Ration", the means by which countless non smoking people became addicted to cigarettes while serving in the Armed Forces.

No one deserves Lung Cancer. NO ONE.

[Cindy RN]

I do recall they put cigs. in with the rations given out to service members at one time.

[tess]

You are so right Fay. My dad told me he learned to smoke in the Navy back in 1945! He finally quit after 38 years of smoking. Keep up the great research you do. You really help make a difference here! Thank You so much!

[dani hobbs]

I haven't been on the board for awhile, so I am catching up on posts. I'm sorry for shouting but I HATE CIGARETTES!!! I HATE THE TOBACCO COMPANIES! I HATE THAT MY SISTER IS SO SICK!!! She tried so hard to quit smoking! I would have started smoking, too, if the smoke hadn't made me sneeze so much! When we were growing up, it was considered cool! A discount cigarette store has been built right across the street from our local high school, I see kids hanging out by it and smoking, and I just want to drive my car through that store! On the other hand, I'm grateful every day that my husband was able to quit smoking 10 years ago. He also started as a teenager and I'm amazed every day that he was able to do quit. But he also says that he misses very much, even after all this time. It's a powerful, powerful addiction.