One Day at a Time (repost)

[DeanCarl]

I posted this awhile back in the General forum where it was recieved very positivily so thought I'd put it here for two reasons. There are quite a few new folks who may not have seen it ... and ... I think living life one day at a time is the key to successfully living with lung cancer (or just about anything else for that matter. It's just those of us with this illness get our noses rubbed in it more than most. )

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Got to thinking (Oh No!!! ) about that statement. Here's what I came up with:

“One day at a time”.

We hear or see that phrase at least once almost every day, to the point where, for most folks, it’s become a meaningless cliché. Or even worse a sop we throw out to someone in some kind of emotional pain when we don’t quite know what else to say. And that’s sad. It’s sad because for way too many folks like myself it’s the key to not just surviving, but for conquering and for LIVING.

But for a key to work it has to fit the lock. And I have to know how the key works. In this case it means the phrase “one day at a time” has to have some real meaning in the way I live my life.

Just over 24 years ago I was faced with a choice. I could continue the way I was going and end up institutionalized, incarcerated or dead. Or I could change what I was doing and face an unknown but, hopefully, better life. I chose door number 2 .

The very first thing I heard after making that choice was that I had to change the way I dealt with the future … and the past. Consider this. Up until that time I had failed at everything I’d tried. School, career, marriage … everything. So the past, for me, was filled with quilt and anger. Since history had shown I was a failure the future, on the other hand, was a pit of anxiety and despair. With those perceptions is it any wonder I sent my “todays” mired in bouts of depression alternating with periods of abject terror? And is it any wonder that should a minor crises intrude on my “today” that I could not even begin to deal with it … thereby failing yet again and adding to my “history” of failure?

So what to do? How to be able to live my life “one day at a time”? Well, first off I had to get rid of that guilt for my past actions. That took a bit of work and, if I can, I’ll write more about that later. For now let me just say that it took awhile, was really hard, and was well worth the effort.

Now to the future. (And isn’t that what we mostly deal with here. The next treatment,? The next scan? The next decision?) The first thing I had to learn about dealing with the future was that I can NOT control what happens tomorrow, next week, next month, etc. No matter what *I* do the sun was going to rise in the morning and set at night. Rain would come or the sun would shine. I’d get the job or I wouldn’t. I’d find the love of my life or spend another day alone. Well then, if that’s the case then I don’t HAVE to do anything, right? Why take any responsibility when nothing I do is going to make a difference anyway? It can be “eat, drink and make merry” for the rest of my life!

Uh … not exactly .

You see, while I may not be able to control the future, I DO have some influence over it (at least my OWN future, anyway). I can prepare myself for that job interview, for instance, and show up clean, neat and ready to go to work. I can have my umbrella ready if it looks like rain or my sunglasses if it looks like it’s going to be a “Southern California” kind of day. If I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow I need to make sure I have anything I need to take with me, that there is gas in the car and make sure I know exactly where and when the appointment is supposed to take place. So, while I can’t control the outcome of events in the future, I do have the responsibility to influence influence those outcomes in a positive manner if I can.

So that leaves …. TODAY!!! Today might be difficult. But no matter what I have to deal with … I only have to deal with it TODAY. I don’t have to load the problems of today on to the baggage of the past or borrow trouble from what MIGHT happen in the future. And, usually, I find I don’t have to “deal“ with things ALL day. There always seems to be time for better things. Or today might be an easy relaxing day. Or a day full of the things I really enjoy doing. If that’s the case, since I’ve gotten rid of the guilt of yesterday and am no longer filled with the fear of tomorrow I can fully enjoy the relaxing, joy filled hours that TODAY has to offer.

And, for me, THAT is what living life “one day at a time” is all about!!

Dean

[Remembering Dave]

Dean, I just read this and it's really helping me.

It's all stuff we should all know, but how many of us let ourselves realize it?

You told me in a PM recently to live for today and I've been trying to keep that in mind as we go through Dave's roller coaster ride of diagnoses. but this post here really puts in all in clear perspective for me.

God Bless you and all the contributions you have made to our little world!

Karen C.

[Roseymac]

Dean,

Thank you for reposting I really needed to read that today. Made me finally take a deep breathe and finally let go and calm down.

My poor husband thinks I have turned into Xena Warrior Princess, this last week. Fred had a Scan last week and the Radiologist who read it compared it to a Scan in Feb instead of the scans from April and May. Now we had them the same place just that the Pet CT in April was done at their Voorhees office instead of Turnersville (still in the comp) This scan was then read that it was much worse and spreading. This was going to change his whole line of treatment again and when I realized the mistake I just flipped.

Poor Dr. inherited us because ours just retired, so he was clueless. Hopefully it will all be straightened out and he can continue on his treatment, cause the new one they wanted him to go 5 days a week for chemo. Geez Kinda glad his platelets were down and they could not start Monday so I had time to try and fix this mess. This is why I always ask for copies of all reports that are sent to the Dr. you have to be on top of them at all times it seems.

Thank you again Dean

Rosemary

[kimblanchard]

Thank you, DeanCarl. You have helped me so many times with your thoughts and words.

Margaret

[Elaine]

Dean:

OK so stress and pain have me a little grumpy, but I am going to post any way--because I dont think my grumpiness has anything to do with why I am posting because I have thought a long time about this (since the first time you posted it, I think). Maybe my grumpiness and depression are giving me the courage to write this, I don't know.

A couple people and I have thought about making a list of things NEVER to say to someone facing a terminal illness. The phrase "One day at a time" would probably not be on the list, but it might come close.

I agree with all that you say except for one thing. What you wrote doesn't take into account the future beyond the immediate future--in the future I would call hopes and dreams. That is the future for which I, and I expect many other cancer patients AND their family members grieve, even as we fight with the weapons of hope and medicine and prayer.

Maybe it's a woman thing, I dont know. But for me, the future usually meant further out than the next day or so (To be frank, in my mind, the next day or so were days I included in the present) --maybe because as a mother, I had to think more closely about my kids and if they were going to be able and ready to face adulthood....

Certainly, I never had any control over any of the future, but like you said I had some influence.

I think I know what you are trying to say, and I am not disputing any of it. Heavens I know better than that, now, lol, but what I, and I know others, too, feel so sad about are the things beyond a future I can almost touch. For me it is holding a grandchild or watching my kids become the adults they are perched to become. For others, it may be seeing a child graduate...

So Dean is the answer I am searching for something like: let it go. Is that what I need to do? If so, how?

Maybe this post has nothing to do with your post. I don't know. Yours sounds good and mine sounds depressing. It's just that I always did live for today; I don't know how anyone lives otherwise, but I always tried, when I was at my best, to live it so that it helped build a better future. I most certainly was not always successful at that! I wish I had been better at it.

So then someone might say this: Well, all any of us have guaranteed is today. Which I think WOULD go on a list of things NEVER to say to a person facing a possibly terminal illness. Sure none of us have a gurantee, but let's get out the accuary tables and decide which group has a darn better chance of living a full (in years) life. To me, and others I have talked to, the phrase seems to minimize our feelings of grief even though we know no one means to do that by saying it. I repeat: we know no one means to hurt us by saying it.

Which brings me to my final thought: you never did post about how one gets over events of the past. I kind of think you promised, lol. Maybe your thoughts on that would be of help to some of us.

Please, I hope no one half reads this and thinks I am arguing with Dean. I am trying to discuss this with Dean and any others. I am only trying to help anyone who wants to read this to come to peace with the past, present and future. I DO think it is possible. I really do.

I love your posts Dean. They often give me something to think about.

love Elaine

[karenl]

Elaine

I have been thinking on a response to this post for a while. I think you and Dean are both right. I have also struggled with the concept of 'one day at a time'. My parents have brought us up to 'live each day as if it were your last', and I've always had a bit of a problem with this one - would you really want to spend your LAST day at work/doing the laundry/scrubbing the floors??? I have discussed this issue with Mum, who has clarified the phrase by saying she was referring to your relationships with the people in your life (ie: if you love someone, tell them now, because you may not get another chance). I agree wholeheartedly with that.

With regard to the concept of 'today is all we have', I attended a lecture given by a long term cancer survivor, and he actually crystallised it for me (I probably won't be able to convey his meaning in this post!!). He talked about 'living in the moment'. Basically, just to focus on the present - be it talking with a friend, cooking a meal, or taking a walk. Be aware of all the little things that are happening in that moment - sunshine, birds singing, whatever. Actively tune-out the background 'noise' that usually interferes with our enjoyment of these moments (what's going on at work? why are my kids so evil today? what's happening with my Mum's tumour?). And when I actually put this into practice, I find it works pretty well for me.

Not that you should ignore the future either. It is important to make plans and set goals. It is hard to stay positive and convince yourself that you can defy the odds and beat this disease if you are unable to make a plan that involves more than the foreseeable future. I can only speak from the point of view of a family member, which is obviously going to be different to that of a patient, but I know that when mum was first diagnosed, and even today but to a lesser extent, I found it difficult to make plans. First, it just felt wrong to be making plans for anything when my Mum has cancer!!! And secondly, what if her condition changed such that I couldn't/didn't want to do the things I had planned? I have gradually learned that Mum's condition will be what it will be, regardless of plans I do/don't make, so I make the plans, and hope that everything continues to go well. If the plans need to be changed, so be it. I think that Mum does the same.

I have re-read this post, and I don't think it has really come out the way I was hoping, but it is a tricky topic to discuss!

Thanks for this thought-provoking thread!

Love to you all

Karen

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

With regard to the concept of 'today is all we have', I attended a lecture given by a long term cancer survivor, and he actually crystallised it for me (I probably won't be able to convey his meaning in this post!!). He talked about 'living in the moment'. Basically, just to focus on the present - be it talking with a friend, cooking a meal, or taking a walk. Be aware of all the little things that are happening in that moment - sunshine, birds singing, whatever. Actively tune-out the background 'noise' that usually interferes with our enjoyment of these moments (what's going on at work? why are my kids so evil today? what's happening with my Mum's tumour?). And when I actually put this into practice, I find it works pretty well for me.

Not that you should ignore the future either. It is important to make plans and set goals. It is hard to stay positive and convince yourself that you can defy the odds and beat this disease if you are unable to make a plan that involves more than the foreseeable future.

Excellent post Karen. Focusing on the moment means exactly that - ignoring all the background noise that interfers with you're ability to appreciate the beauty around. You unload the groceries, thinking of how much you spent, if you have time to do a load of clothes, why is that neighbor so grumpy. If you ignore this noise - this monkey mind (jumping from thought to thought without really thinking) - if you ignore it you can focus on the little squirrel running across the lawn, the scent of fresh mowed grass, the fact that you're feeling pretty good - no pain.

But focusing on the moment doesn't mean to ignore the future. Not at all. I agree that if a cancer survivor doesn't allow themselves to think in terms of the future that can be devastating. That shrinks their world until it encloses them, crowds them.

Believe in the future. Plan for the future. But stop your monkey mind, stop the noise in your head so that you can look around you and appreciate that you have this very moment.

Cat

[Elaine]

Karen and Cat,

Thanks for responding. I agree with Dean and you two about trying to live in the moment, being aware of my senses and letting joy overtake moments of sadness. Believe, me there are times when I am able to do that. But for me anyway, sometimes (less often than in the first months after dx) such moments are followed with a profound sense of sadness and a recognition of the uncertainty of my reality.

For example, I am a political junkie, but I watched NONE of the primary goings on. I couldn't have picked Edwards out of a police line-up!! I kept trying to and then thinking, what difference does it make to me?

But I watched every evening of the convention this week, am listening daily to Air America and basically being my old self--though with a heightned sense of this DOES matter to me--the future matters maybe not so much to me personally but to the futures of my children and the children I hope they have.

For me that was and is joy! A few times I felt the pangs of sadness. Though I didn't ignore that sadness, I was able to overcome it quickly and not just turn off the TV and hide under the covers.

Maybe I am doing better at both paying attention to the future and with letting a part of it go, if that is what is to be.

I still get the weepies about some very dear things to me--my kids. Too weepie to think about, let alone write about. I don't know that I will ever be good or comfortable with letting go of sadness of what I am likely to miss.

Thanks again, you two, for entering with me, a tough part of this journey.

Your willingness to do so sustains my belief in the strength of the human spirit.

love

elaine

[karenl]

Hi Elaine

I do know what you mean. I wasn't trying to suggest by what I wrote that I am constantly cheery and enjoying my 'moments'! I also have very black days when I can't help but feel confronted by the damn statistics associated with this disease. But, I also truly believe that my Mum has an excellent chance of keeping the cancer at bay for a long time to come, and I would like to spend my days feeling as happy as I possibly can, until such a time as there is a reason to be grieving.

Although your situation and mine are obviously very different, I think I also understand what you mean about grieving for the future. I did this alot when Mum was initially diagnosed, but as time has gone on, and she continues to be well, it has become easier to believe in the possibility that she can live well with this cancer for as long as it takes to find a cure. It is the same hope that I have for all of you who are living with this disease.

I am glad to have you along on this journey!

Love, Karen

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

First, I must acknowledge from experience, that if your mind is in an acutely depressive state, this argument will bear little sense. And this is very hard to explain. I think my brain left me some time ago.

I'm surely not saying you should go around happy all the time. Not at all.

I am saying that when we get caught up in our thoughts of what is NOT around us, we can not operate out of the present moment.

We don't have the present moment. We bid it goodbye before we can realize it is there.

Okay, let's go back to unloading the groceries from the car. You're into thoughts ranging from "why don't I make a list next time" to dread thoughts of what the cancer is doing. The thing is you are not there. If you are not there in the present moment how can you judge whether it is a worthwhile moment, whether it would make a difference in your life, albeit small? You've left it before recognizing it.

See, you have to actually discipline your mind to stop the monkey mind (jumping from thought to thought) and stay in the moment. It is very hard but when you allow this to become a habit, it makes it easier. If a decade ago, someone told me that I could sit an hour in meditation, I would have snickered at them and said, "Yeah. Right." Bwahahaha (very loud laugh)

Now it is one of the things that sustain me.

Elaine, I know you have as much as I do, i.e., none to spare. But if you can, could you possibly get a copy of a CD called the Soul of Healing Meditations by Deepak Chopra (I'm not one of his fans but this is good). You don't have to sit cross legged to listen to it. Just sit in a chair, comfortably and close you're eyes and listen.

You are on anti-depressants, right? If not, please please consider them. Depression is often a result of an assault to our system. The chemicals in our brain then go awry and it may need to take another chemical to set them right. I hate taking them too Elaine. Believe me. But please consider it. I'm worried about you big time.

Take Care,

Cat

[Guest bean_si (Not Active)]

So much for sticking to my philosophy. An hour ago, I woke up with a sense of physical dread so deep it's inexpressible. I felt I was dying - alone of course.

I had just had a nightmare. In the nightmare I had woken up, had been lying on my stomach and suddenly realized I was paralyzed. At another point, my (dead) father was convincing me that guests were coming, we had to entertain them so we would walk on the railtrack (the line) while the train was coming. I thought how could my (dead) grandmother do this? She would surely fall. Then I was around people, co-workers and they were planning some outdoor activity and I kept trying to tell them I couldn't do that because of my cancer but no one was listening. It goes on and on. Sorry for posting this - I had to get this out.

When I woke there was this ache/pain/gripping in the center of my chest which subsidized after a few minutes.

So much for my philosophy. It runs away in the middle of the night and I'm left with demons in the dark corners of my room, waiting to pounce.

God, would you please stay around in the night. I miss you and need you when it's dark.

Cat

[karenl]

Cat

As I live in Australia, I am awake when you are sleeping - I will be standing vigil while you rest and sending positive vibes, and hoping this helps to keep the nightmares at bay!!!

Wishing you dreamless sleep,

Karen

[betplace]

(((Cat)))

Wow sweetie, that sounds an awful lot like the one I had several weeks ago, right down to the pain in the chest. Obviously not the same characters in it, but the same pain, sense of dread/terror. I was so freaked out we had to have scans to calm me down. I can't help you not have them, but maybe if you know others are going through it, it will help just a little. It really is your mind just processing what it needs to, but what your dealing with is the stuff of nightmares anyway. We love you Cat, hang in there.

Blessings

Betty

[RandyW]

A bump for some insight from dean Carl RIP and always sharing some wisdom from you!!