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A month from DX


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I thought the two weeks waiting for a Dx was bad and that I had really fallen pretty low during that time. I had a couple good weeks, some bad days but overall I held it together. But this week, not so good. Have others experienced such a fall? I don't want to see ANYONE, especially no one in the medical field. I so want to be the good smiling cancer patient that they so want to see. But I can't do it. I'm torm between hope/joy/appriciation and despair. Maybe a med change would help, but what I want to know is if anyone also has the highs and lows I am experiencing.

Also caregivers: have you seen this too? What has helped? What have you noticed?

I thought that my Dr visit this week caused this, but then I realized that it is because my oldest dearest friend, my husband who I have only been three months united with is travelling this week. I think I was trying to be strong for his sake and left alone with myself, I fell apart. Thank God for love, even imperfect love. I guess we as humans can only know imperfect love, but it does feel grand.

That is a heaven I can believe in. Wrapped in the arms of love.

Thank you all for allowing me to be my honest self. I know it's not easy seeing or reading sad posts, but that IS sometimes the way things are with this.

My Love to all of you.


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I have NEVER experienced the highs and lows (yeah, right, and my Pinocchio nose just grew a full twelve inches).

Yeah, the highs and lows are normal. Thank that little voice in your head for that...seems loudest when life is at its quietest. I KNOW you're familiar with that voice, the one that repeats the statistics to you again and again, the one that tells you you CAN'T do something, the one that fills you with doubt and dread and fear... Sometimes, it stops when I tire myself out before bed (laundry, floor scrubbing, you name it), but other times it's even louder when I try that...

My magic silver bullet? When I feel it coming on, prior to bedtime I pop and Ambien and a Xanax - one to help me get to sleep, the other to turn that voice down enough so that I CAN go to sleep. It's pretty hard when the nightmares begin before you fall asleep - but I'm sure you know that.

I'm not sure how HMOs work, but I'll bet you can get some "chemical" help for the anxiety/depression. I think those two things go hand-in-hand with a cancer diagnosis - not a CONSTANT thing, but definitely a companion.

I guess what you could do while your husband is away is to become "comfortable" with your diagnosis and form your game plan. Fill the tub with hot water, light those candles and hang out the whole day in a comfy bathrobe and fuzzy slippers...sip hot chocolate, cry when you feel like crying (ahead of time, buy some soft tissue, not that generic fine grain sand paper) and do things for YOU - a pedicure, manicure, hobby time. RELAX and come to grips with what is now going on in your life. It's easier to confront the monster when YOU are strong and sure of yourself.

Good luck in the physician search, I'm too far away to give a recommendation... Issues with an HMO? Not happy with your caseworker? Talk to his/her supervisor and see if you can have another one assigned. I know their caseloads are high, but I'm SURE that your HMO has more than one nurse/caseworker. Push it..and push that counseling, too! Maybe your GP can refer you - I don't have an HMO, but my GP recommended the counseling for me.

Later, gator! Hope you are feeling better soon!


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It's me again offering my 2 cents. I can't imagine not experiencing the lows and some highs you are experiencing. None of us know really what to expect and I think if the truth were known it is dying not death that we fear. If we believe in our Lord and Savior and what the Bible tells us, death will be wonderful. On the other had it is that period before death that is so hard and which we all dread. Some are fortunate and it is short and for others it seems like it will never end. In that case, God has prepared our loved ones for our death. When they experience that, they reach the point when they are ready to let us go.

Like someone else said, if you are in doube, you can change your mind about treatment. Some prefer quality over quantity and that is their privelege.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I certainly can understand your feeling down and disinterested in seeing any people. You have not had time to adjust to all this yet.

I am with Snowflake--Xanax was a lifesaver for me. I found that if I could at least get some sleep at night, I could think clearly during the day. The Xanax helped with that. I also was taking an anti-depressant, Effexor, and an anti-anxiety drug, tranxene. Those two things, the passing of time, and visits with a psychiatrist got me through the roughest time of my life, which has been the past year.

It does get better--I am now off the xanax, tranxene, and weaned all the way down to 25 mg of effexor a day--I was at 150 mg during the worst of it all.

With me it was strange though--my very worst times came between surgery and chemo--after I had my staging and all that--I guess until surgery, I still held out hope that this would all turn out to be the train wreck that never happened.

I think that anyone who gets a cancer diagnosis should take advantage of the services of a therapist if need be, and also drugs if they help. I have never, ever had any emotional problems that required such measures in my life, but I think anybody getting the news that they have cancer who didn't have extreme anxiety would be out of the ordinary.

Whatever it takes to sleep and gain some peace of mind--it doesn't have to be a long term thing, just to help get thru the current, hardest times.

Sure hope this helps.....

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