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Clawing my way out of the pit


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Clawing my way out of the pit

I have not posted here for a while. I still read nearly everyday and feel the pain and euphoria of the ones who post either bad or good news. Because I have been in my own pit of mixed emotions I have felt that I had little to offer anyone else.

I can't say that what I have experienced is depression tho I know that at times there have been minutes or even hours of deep depression. Mostly what I have experienced is a sense of drifting without anchor or purpose. The feeling that my usefullness is over. Much of that came from not getting the job that I thought I would but to be honest it started the day that Johnny died and tho often it is in the back of my mind instead of the front it has influenced much of my life sense then.

For a long time I have been working on the story of mine and Johnny's relationship. I have relived not only our time together but the time we spent apart. In doing so I have had to do a lot of soul searching. I have come to learn many truths and see that I still have much to learn. For so much of my life I have depended on others to make me happy or to make me feel needed and worthwhile. It is a very common mistake that we all make at times. In my case it was a mistake that ruled my life and nearly destroyed my sense of self worth.

In the past two weeks I have come to many realizations. We are placed on this Earth for a purpose greater than our own welfare. Each and every one of us is exactly what God intended us to be. He makes no mistakes. The things that we gain and lose in life are put there for us to learn but most of all they are put there to lead us to the greatest purpose of all and that is to learn to love and except each and every person on this Earth no matter how many flaws or inperfections they may have in our eyes. It is how we accept and learn from our problems that we have control over. We can not blame God for not stopping the things that cause us our greatest pain. He feels our pain too but he gave all of mankind free will. It is that free will that causes pain not God.

I have come to accept the fact that Johnny is gone from this life. I can not go back and change the things that were wrong but I have to learn to accept them. I have to learn to forgive both myself and others who caused him pain during his life as well as the ones who helped end his life too soon. Because I accept and forgive does not mean that I condone. My purpose in life is to make a difference someway in the attitude that not only took his life but causes so many people to be forgotten and neglected every day. I could not get anything done to make the ones who made us suffer held accountable and that put me in a very bad place. Now I know that had fault been found in a legal proceeding I may have accepted that and let it go. Because I could get no one to act I searched for another way and in the process I found this board that not only allows me to tell our story but gives me the emotional support that I need. Some how I feel that is why some of the disappointments in my life have happened.

I was very upset when I came back after a few days and found that politics had raised it's ugly head here. I read but made no comments. I was tempted to stop comming here but a realization hit me and I know that I can not do that. I see that when we get too comfortable with something we become complacent. We lose our passion for a cause. Sometimes it takes adversity to shake us up and get us back onto the right track. Without passion for a cause we will never accomplish anything. So many things I forgot when Johnny was doing so well. I was so happy with my own lot in life that I forgot there were others struggleing with many of the things that I had. I was comfortable, happy and selfish. When the anxiety hit him it shattered my self centered world and forced me to see again how many things are wrong in this world and need changes. His death sent me in a downward spiral but it also made me try to find a purpose for our suffering. The culmination of our lives could not be just the few short months of happiness. I could not accept that everything that we had both lived through was only to give us that. Now I know that I was right. I have something that needs to be done that only I can do. In time I know that I will find what that is and fulfill my purpose. Until then I have to live my life with faith.

Faith is not just believing what we have no proff of but knowing it. I have been reading the book "the purpose driven life". At first I was afraid that it would contradict my beliefs but I have learned that it reinforces them. Now I have to learn how to put the lessons I have learned into practice. My biggest obstacle is learning to forgive both myself and others. It will not be easy but I know that I can not go forward until I do.

I was depending too much on other people. I needed their company and for them to validate the things that I thought that I knew when I found that I could not get it I let myself slide into depression. I got so many signs from Johnny that he is still with me but when those signs slaced off I felt defeated and started to doubt the things that I know. I realize now that my faith is being tested when I have no more of those signs. I may go days or weeks without one but I have to know the truth in what I have had already. Until I trust enough to have the faith of knowing not just believing I will never be satisfied and my fears will continue. The signs are not often like they were but the one thing that I do know is that he sends me robins as a reminder. Each day the first bird I see is a robin. That has special meaning between Johnny and I. They follow me and Misty on our walks and they stay in my yard each day when the other birds leave.

We have so much to learn in this life and each day we are given gentle reminders. When we refuse to pay attention to those reminders other more frightening and painful reminders are allowed. God does not bring pain to us but he will allow it as part of the free will that he had given to mankind. Things like 911 and war are wake up calls. They happen to remind us of what is really important in life. On a smaller level maybe cancer and loss of a loved one are the same wake up call. I find it hard to believe that it is coinsidence that right now the two most popular things being discussed in this country is the book "The purpose driven life" and the movie "The Passion of Christ". Maybe those things are a way for us to heed the wake up call and learn that life is not about taking but giving. Giving the love and time that God was generous enough to give to us and using it wisely to help spread love to the people who we encounter everyday of our lives. We need to start somewhere and that start can be now. As a wise man on this board says all of the time "one day at a time" and I believe "one person at a time'. :!:

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