Guest CindiDB Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Hi all, I haven't posted on the board in a long time so I will reintroduce myself. I am 43, homeschooling my 11 year old son. My beautiful, incredible, mother was diagnosed stage four NSCLC late Oct. She had laser surgery to open her bronchial passages, started radiation immediately which helped GREATLY and has been doing chemo (Taxol/Carbo) since January, monthly. She has major pain, takes oxycontin every twelve hours, plus oxycodone for breakthrough pain. We have not had a CT scan since Dec, go for our third chemo this week and then Dr will do a CT scan. I am going insane not knowing her progress. I have to say she is eating well, not losing weight, tolerating the chemo ,but has lost all her hair. She is confused due to the pain meds, and cannot be left alone. Needless to say, this is breaking my heart. I am her primary caregiver, her only child, and she is my best friend. I feel like I'm the one dying. NOW, add to that, my husband has Hep C, is doing the peg interon treatments, shots once a week, oral twice daily. It is well known for affecting patients mentally and my husband is a nightmare. Just when I need his support the most, he has become intolerable, and I have 30 more weeks of this. Please pray for me, I feel like my life is falling apart at the seams and I just ...going with it. Sorry to be so down, I just feel so desperately alone sometimes, and I can't believe I"m saying all this on a public board. I must really be pathetic. thanks, Cindi Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy RN Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Cindi Please pm me. There is no reason to be all alone. I know the internet is not the same as having someone right there to talk with or just be with. Do you have a church? How about the homeschooling network. I schooled my daughter at home for 1 year and there were several others in my area. I contacted the group thru the local library. Is there a local support group for family members of cancer patients? You could call your local hospital and see if there are any groups in your area. You need someone to talk with before you go ?????? Register on here so we can pm or email you. Love Cindy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pritchie Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Cindi, I am sorry for what you are going through. You need an outlet and this is a good place for it. I know some of what you are going through. So hang in there and come here when you need to. I will keep you, your Mom and your family in my thoughts and prayers. Pamela Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pecola Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 {{{{{Cindi}}}} Boy you sure have an overflowing plate. My sister went through the Peg-Intron treatment last year for Hep C. I was her primary caregiver so I know what you mean about your husband. If memory serves me well, the incidence of depression with the Peg-Intron Rebetol therapy is close to 69%. Has your husband asked his Dr. about anti-depressents? They REALLY helped my sister a great deal. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother as well. Please take a few moments for yourself when and if you can. When I was taking care of my mother during her chemo treatments and homeschooling my son, I ended up sick myself. My prayers and warm thoughts are with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
pecola Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 {{{{{Cindi}}}} Boy you sure have an overflowing plate. My sister went through the Peg-Intron treatment last year for Hep C. I was her primary caregiver so I know what you mean about your husband. If memory serves me well, the incidence of depression with the Peg-Intron Rebetol therapy is close to 69%. Has your husband asked his Dr. about anti-depressents? They REALLY helped my sister a great deal. I'm so sorry to hear about your mother as well. Please take a few moments for yourself when and if you can. When I was taking care of my mother during her chemo treatments and homeschooling my son, I ended up sick myself. My prayers and warm thoughts are with you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terriod Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Hi Cindy, Don't feel bad about how you are feeling. You are not pathetic at all. Gosh I was feeling so sorry for myself today, that I thought I needed an outlit, so I came back here. After reading what you are going through I realize things could definitely be worse. I posted a while ago about my husband being diagnosed with terminal cancer. We went from thinking that his medications needed to be changed for his high blood pressure, to, "you have 3 to 6 months to live" in a matter of a couple of weeks. I was and am very crushed. It turns out that he has lung cancer that has traveled to the brain. He went through some radiation and got extremely ill. They put him in the hospital for seven days and sent him home to be on hospice. He was diagnosed on Dec. 12th. So right before Christmas. On top of that my daughter was getting married. on December 26th. She wanted her dad to walk her down the isle so we went along with it. So in the mist of this happening with my husband I throw a wedding for my daughter. My husband was so ill, he doesn't even remember walking her down the isle. Her thanks for this is, two weeks after her marriage she decides she doesn't want to be married any longer and takes off. She was supposed to be the one that would stay here with her dad, while I went to work. I have had lots of problems with her in the past. But I really thought she was straightening out. I guess not. I think she is on drugs and that is just more important that anything or anyone else. I have too much on my plate with my husband to deal with her right now. I go through a lot of guilt about that, but I just can't help it. I am so angry with her. I don't understand how she can just up and go and not care about what is going on. I have decided to not stop her from talking to her dad if he wants her too. That can't be my decision. But I just can't trust her anymore and am done for now. I told her if she decides to get help, get off the drugs and wants to do family couseling I will be there. Other than that, I want nothing to do with her. Am I wrong? I really don't know, but it is all I can do. I have no idea why I am telling you all this, I guess I just need to vent. Today I found out that my tax perparer sent out my taxes without my signature. And I talked to another tax person and she said that it was done wrong. He says I owe $1800.00 to the federal. The other lady said I only owed approx. $900.00 to federal. I called IRS and then said I have to get a lawyer if I want to fight it. I just don't have anymore fight left in me. So I guess I will just pay the taxes. Because the last thing in the world I want to do right now is to fight with the IRS. I just feel like nothing is going right in my life. My husband is doing ok considering. He is much stronger now that the radiation treatments have stopped. He does get confused and I will never let him give me directions again. He had me going in circles the other day. I have always counted on him to make sure that I didn't get lost. Well he just can't do that anymore. He asked me all the time when he can drive again and when he can go back to work. He gets very confused about the time of day. He has a heck of a time with the tv and getting it to a channell he wants. Other than that, for now it is just confusion, and very little pain. I am gratefull for that. I have to work so I can't be here with him. I know that is what he wants the most. But it is my insurance that is paying for the hospice, so I don't have too much choice in the matter. I have a neighbor who checks on him on and off all day and I call him all day and drive him crazy. LOL Good grief this is a little long winded, isn't it. You guys were all so nice that last time I came here, I thought it would make me feel better if I found you again and just vented. When I read what other people are going through I realize that life is really tough for a lot of people and I am not alone. Makes me feel less sorry for myself. So Cindy SEE you are not pathetic at all. You have so much on your plate and you deserve to vent and think about yourself once in awhile. I think we all need big buckets for the tears. Thanks again for letting me vent, Terri O. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tess Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Well we all need to vent. This is a tough job we caregivers have. Its so hard watching my husband be in so much pain. I just feel so helpless. So I keep praying and wondering why these things have to happen to all of us. We are the caregivers is this senario of life. Coming to this site does make me feel like my problems are no worse than anyone elses and sometimes makes me thankful that I could be a lot worse off than I am! My sister introduced me to my husband. After we were married, she came and lived with us, she was dying of breast cancer. She had hospice care in our living room because she wanted to be here with us, not in a hospital or nursing home. Well she died two years ago. Now my husband has stage IV nsclc and the Dr says" maybe 1 or 2 years left. We have only been married 2 and a half years! Everyone says how sad that I have to go thru this again (cancer). I don't know why except that I am here to take care of people and love them and comfort them. The rest is in God's hands. I am beginning to realize that the more I pray for people, the more comforted I feel. I guess if (or when) I need someone there for me God will make it happen.................... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Cindi, You are not pathetic, just feeling completely helpless and alone. thats what lc does.. It puts you in a place in your life that you definately dont want to be.. I cant imagine not having my husbands support during my dads illness, he is definately my rock. I am not sure of the side effects of the drugs your husband is on, but maybe they are altering his moods and sometimes it takes a while to adjust.. In the meantime, if you need support or somewhere to vent you have come to the right place, many of us have been there and know what you are going through.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 Dear ladies, None of you are pathetic because you feel stranded and overwhelmed. That you are doing so much with so little makes the magnitude of your achievements all that greater. We all have days where we would throw in the towel -- if we could find it. Point is, we generally all pick it up and get on with it. We are all doing the best we can under extraordinary circumstances. You are all in my heart, and in my prayers. XOXOXOX Love, MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted March 16, 2004 Share Posted March 16, 2004 You are going through a lot. I am not the caregiver, but the one with LC.=, inoperable Stage IV, 45 years old. you are not pathetic; we all need a place where we can open ourselves up and ask for help when we need it. Sometimes, it is just to much to depend on our immediate families and friends. As a patient, I know I have to try my best to be strong even when I don't want to be so that I can take some of the emotional load away from my husband who also has his other roles to fufill. Today after he left on a business trip just 2 hours from when my daughter left, I broke down in tears. Pls don't think you are weak, because you are not. This is tough stuff and you can come here for any help that you may need. I know from experience, the love of one's children is the greatest reward for motherhood. I just saw my daugter, the first time since DX and just seeing her was the lovliest sight I know must exist for me. She is grown into a beautiful young and smart and loving woman. Your mother's love is forever. God love us all. Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terriod Posted July 3, 2004 Share Posted July 3, 2004 HI Cindy, You are not alone here. I don't come very often, because I also feel weak and get to crying when I do come here. So I try to push everything away and just make it through each day. I know that, that isn't very smart on my part. I just hate to give in to my feelings because I feel like I will not be able to pull it together if I do. So why don't we make a pack and make sure we don't do that anymore. There really is strength in numbers and it really does help to know that you are not alone. That is why I come back here every now and then. Everyone here has been so nice and kind. It amazes me how someone who is living with cancer can be so supportive. but that is what you will find here. Plus others like us who are the caregivers to someone you love. In my case it is my husband. He has Small Cell lung cancer that is inoperable and has metastized to his brain. Right now he is doing ok. A little confused but not in much pain. Thank God!!! anyway I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. If you want to email me, please do at terriod@yahoo.com Take care, write anytime, Terri Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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