jamie Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Thank you so much everyone for being so helpful with all of this. My Dad isn't in good spirits, and everytime I bring up anything about LC he gets fusterated, and dosent want to talk about it. As Ive said in other posts, his doctor's aren't being helpful at all as far as giving us more information, and that seems to be fine with Dad, but not for me. The more info. I find out, and the messages I get from you guys make me see that he should be getting more information, and maybe even more attention from his Dr.'s. The problem is that he dosent seem to want anymore info, and truly dosen't seem to care. His additude has changed so much since finding out that he was not a canidate for surgery. It seems that now he feels like he's done for. Ive tried to give him survivor stories, and all he seems to do is find the low points in them... like telling him that someone has survived years with at his stage, and then he says something like "Yea, 6 years of Chemo, that's just what Im looking forward to". Im really at a loss here. He told me today that he was just really depressed and didnt want to talk about it anymore. Is this normal? Im sure it is, I cant imagine being in his shoes, and I cant understand. Ive tried to lead him to this website, and told him all about it, and he says its not for him.... what to do? How long can I let him go with this additude? Its not helping anything, and I feel like so much more could be done. He's only 49 and he says that he cant see prolonging chemo if this round dosent work. I think, he thought surgery was going to be his "cure all" in this. Its only been about 7 weeks since dx, and already I feel like hes giving up. Any advice on how to handle this would be much appreciated, from caregivers, survivors,... anyone. Again thanks a bundle on all the replies, since my Dad wont talk, I feel like I get to vent on here, and it helps me more than you know. Just getting replies to my posts makes me feel great. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Connie B Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Oh Jamie, I'm sorry to hear your dad is feeling hopeless. It seems that when we are dx.d with lung cancer we always think it's a death sentence. It's NOT! Times and MEDICINES have changed. Even in the last 8+ years that I did my treatments, they have come a LONG ways with new chemo's and meds and technology. But, I have to say, his behavior sounds pretty normal to me. I was very depressed as well after I was dx.d. And again they have wonderful med's for that too! Why does he seem to think he will have to be on Chemo's for the rest of his life? I did 4 sessions of chemo over a range of 4 months and I haven't had any treatments sense Nov 1995. He has his age in his favor. It's not a cake walk having to go through all of this, but it's not over unitl it's over. It's a fight, but BOY am I glad I decided to give it my all, or I wouldn't be here today. I guess it's the UNKNOWN, and that is what is scary to us. Knowlege is Power! They may beable to shrink his tumors and do surgery. That does happen! I think he's still in the SHOCK MODE and boy do I understand that. I hope he will make a 180 turn around and take the bull by the horns and make an effort to fight this monster. My prayers are with you and your dad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
janet Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Jamie, Your dad is so young, please tell him to reconsider his decision for the sake of you and the rest of his family. If not, you will always feel like "if only we had tried..." You all still need him and he has LOTS of living to do! Please, please, please my Dad never had a chance to get ANY treatment at all, and I regret that we had no idea he was sick with cancer, things might have turned out different had we known. take care, janet Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 I agree with Jamie, give it another try. Your Dad is extremely young to give up like this. Ultimately though, it is his decision and you will have to accept it, as hurtful as it may be . I wish you luck. Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Sorry Jamie, I meant, I agree with Janet. Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Jaime: It is so hard to hear the words--"not curable"--and then to have been led to believe that surgery was possible--and to find out differently in a most insensitive way--. Your father is probably very depressed. Has he been offered anti-anxiety and/or anti-depressents? SOmetimes men don't ask for such medication and sometimes drs don't offer it. He probably needs it. Anyone with this DX needs one or both. Pls ask him to seek medication and also to seek either group counseling or private counseling with someone who has experience with cancer patients. It has taken me over a month, but I have finally been able to get some of the help I need. I don't know exactly what your dad was told, but I was told that chemo would not do anything but prolong my life a short time and that there was no guarantee that my quality of life would be better with it than without it. There are no guarantees with any of this. It is his decision, but he may need time to clear his head before making it. But he needs to be doing things that will help him clear his mind. Pls urge him to seek help. You are a loving daughter and I know that he feels very bad right now. Just let him know you love him no matter what--OK? Elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DeanCarl Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Jamie, I don't know how you should handle your Dad's attitude. But I sure know how *I* would handle it if he were here. Quote: "Look, bud. You can take that "woe is me" attitude and dump it any old time. You have cancer. Well guess what? So do a couple hundred thousand other folks right now. Your young. Well so am I. I'm only 4 years older than you are. Your cancer is inoperable. So's mine. Your cancer may be incurrable. So's mine. You may have to live with cancer the rest of your life. So do a LOT of other folks. But the point is, whether we choose treatment or not, we LIVE with the cancer. There are folks with this disease that are going through stuff I can't even BEGIN to imagine. Yet they laugh, cry, love and LIVE each day. They do NOT hide their heads in the sand and bemoan their fate. Yea, cancer is a tough one and lung cancer one of the toughest. So? If there's one thing I know about me it's that I'm a BUNCH tougher that a bunch of out of control cells. I've said it before: This disease may kill me but it will NEVER beat me. Look, you've got cancer. Nothing is going to change that. And yea, it's scary and depressing and painful and you name it. And again I say "so what?". I can choose to spend whatever time I have left on this big blue marble being scared and depressed, or I can choose to spend that time LIVING. Sounds "hard"? Well, having cancer is "hard". But here's a clue: You CAN DEAL WITH THIS DISEASE. It's YOUR choice." End quote. Jamie, You welcome to print this out and show it to your Dad along with my dx. I know it sounds a little harsh, but I have a tendancy to get a little irritated with some folks when there are SO many others who are fighting so hard just to LIVE another day. Dean Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Jamie, Your father sounds like he's forgotten he is a partner in the team that is treating his disease. He is not an object to be dictated to, nor is he his cancer. He is a person, with a disease, and if his team isn't dealing with him, he has every right to "fire" that team and find one that will work with him. Diagnosis is a terrible blow, and there are people who specialize in that sort of counseling. I have been there. It works, and it helps. even if it isn't his thing. Worth a try, at least, before he writes it off. There are also meds for anxiety and depression -- which in my book go hand in hand with being diagnosed. They're available. Take advantage of that fact. It takes a while to realize hiding doesn't fix anything but in fact makes it worse. Courage isn't being unafraid, it's moving forward despite the fear. In this case (being diagnosed) it means becoming proactive on your own behalf, and getting all the facts, knowing all the options, and making informed decisions. On the other hand, he wouldn't be the first guy to sit in his armchair and let it all go, passively, as much as that hurts the family around them. Dean has the right of it. Make INFORMED choices, and LIVE the life you have. Much as it would be nice to wake up from this nightmare, it just ain't gonna happen. There are doctors that will deal with his cancer more aggressively, but he may have to shake some bushes to find them. It's worth it. Miracles do happen. I am one. No matter what, Jamie, we're here for you, and your dad. Remembering you both in my prayers, XOXOXOX MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jamie Posted March 18, 2004 Author Share Posted March 18, 2004 I truly can't say enough about you guys! Its been very hard for me to accept all of whats going on, but talking about it does help. You are all wonderfull for replying to my posts, and I know my Dad will come through all of this. Hes not a quitter. I guess right now what keeps me from screaming at him is knowing that even if he dosent care right now, I do and I get the feeling all you guys do too...maybe thats enough!? I will continue to pass on info to him, and hope he gets the care he needs and deserves. Thanks again everyone for caring enough to write back, Im sure Ill be posting again soon, I seem to be the most confused person on this board! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Jamie, Your father sounds like he's forgotten he is a partner in the team that is treating his disease. He is not an object to be dictated to, nor is he his cancer. He is a person, with a disease, and if his team isn't dealing with him, he has every right to "fire" that team and find one that will work with him. Diagnosis is a terrible blow, and there are people who specialize in that sort of counseling. I have been there. It works, and it helps. even if it isn't his thing. Worth a try, at least, before he writes it off. There are also meds for anxiety and depression -- which in my book go hand in hand with being diagnosed. They're available. Take advantage of that fact. It takes a while to realize hiding doesn't fix anything but in fact makes it worse. Courage isn't being unafraid, it's moving forward despite the fear. In this case (being diagnosed) it means becoming proactive on your own behalf, and getting all the facts, knowing all the options, and making informed decisions. On the other hand, he wouldn't be the first guy to sit in his armchair and let it all go, passively, as much as that hurts the family around them. Dean has the right of it. Make INFORMED choices, and LIVE the life you have. Much as it would be nice to wake up from this nightmare, it just ain't gonna happen. There are doctors that will deal with his cancer more aggressively, but he may have to shake some bushes to find them. It's worth it. Miracles do happen. I am one. No matter what, Jamie, we're here for you, and your dad. Remembering you both in my prayers, XOXOXOX MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Jamie, I think you're handling yourself extremely well for someone who isn't being given much in the way of info (NOT knowing makes me crazy,too). Hope your Dad finds his way out of the blues, soon. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hebbie Posted March 18, 2004 Share Posted March 18, 2004 Jamie, As the others have said, a cancer diagnoses is a tough pill to swallow. I remember sitting in the exam room for my initial surgical consultation. I had gotten a confirmed diagnoses about a week prior. My husband and I were joking around with each other as the nurse came in. She looked at me strangly and asked if I was handling my diagnoses ok and was I perhaps in denial. You know -- at that time, perhaps I was, but who was she to tell me that I should be sitting there somber faced or in tears while waiting for the doctor. She made me even MORE upset by making that comment. That she somehow knew something I didn't and I was being an idiot for still being able to laugh and smile. (I ended up chosing another surgeon at another hospital). I went into the surgery feeling very optomistic, had a relatively easy experience and quick recovery. However -- the depression set in as I awaited radiation/chemo. Every one told me I had my age on my side, but I wondered if I would be able to handle it and I was scared about what to expect.....and that depression continued through the treatment. It was scary and there were times I felt that I couldn't make it another day. I ended up talking to a counselor through the hospital that helped me tremendously. And suddenly -- treatment was over and I had made it through!! I still have my days of anxiety and fear over recurrence, but they are slowly being replaced with hope. I think your father should be allowed to have some "depression time" to process all of this information, but if it seems to linger on or prevent him from maintaining his way of life, a therapist or anti-anxiety meds may be the venue to look at. I wish you and your family the best of luck and that your father sails through his treatment. Make sure he drinks lots of water and gets plenty of good nutrition and rest. Take care, Heather Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Deanna Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 Jamie, I am also new to this board. My father was diagnosed 12/24/2003 with stage IIIB NSCLC - inoperable. He is 62 years young and is currently going through chemo/radiation combo. He, along with us, have our days of feeling despair and fear. I believe it's ok to take sometime every once in a while to examine things and allow yourself alittle time to grieve. However, your dad along with your family have got to fight this monster. There are so many wonderful people and stories on this site. I come here for encouragement. Try to get your dad to visit here!! You all are in my prayers daily. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharKats Posted March 23, 2004 Share Posted March 23, 2004 I know how your Dad is feeling right now - I felt that way for a little while also. I felt that cancer defined me. I was no longer the same person - just a bunch of cancer cells walking around and knowing those cells were going to kill me after I went through God knows what in an attempt to live. I know my anti-depressants, anti-anxiety meds in addition to a loving, supportive family have made me realize that I do have a chance, however small, of beating this thing and even if I don't, I do want to experience all the joy and happiness that life as to offer for as long as I can. Self-pity is normal with cancer but you have to eventually make it take back seat to learning about your cancer, getting 2nd opinions, asking for meds for depression, joining a support group of some sort and being grateful that there are options and that sometimes if one door closes another will open. It's wonderful you care so much and are trying so hard to help your Dad. I hope he'll soon begin to count his blessings (hard as they seem at this time) and get on with his life. It's changed forever, but he's young and so much can be done to bring about positive results. Wishing you and your Dad the best. God bless. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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