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God really does work in mysterious ways


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As all of you know I am not a person of few words. I have some things that I want to say but I am really not sure how long this will be.

If just three and a half years ago someone would have told me where I would be now and what I would be doing I would have laughed at them and told them they were crazy. I have often heard the phrase "The Lord works in mysertious ways" I am living proof of that.

I was quickly approaching forty years in a marriage that had given me three wonderful children and seven grandchildren. One year later I would have another grandchild. I also had a lot of stress and not much happiness. My only dreams were dreams of living one day at a time and having as much time with my family as I could get. I was living my life through them. My husband was not a bad man but he was a man with his own ideas and his comfort and his wants was what our life was centered around. Because I had little self confidence I inpowered him to be very controlling. Instead of being a person in my own right I was his wife. I lost my identity many years ago. I was certain that I could never make it on my own. I had a thousand excuses why I continued in a marriage and a life that was far less than fulfilling.

I had no family close by but his family and our children's families. I had no neighbors other than his family and no friends other than his friends. To cover my lonliness I worked constantly. My sole purpose in life seemed to be to please others never myself. We had moved there to that small Louisiana town in 1971 thirty years earlier. It had been his decision and I had not questioned it. He was my husband and it was my duty. I hated the weather and not being able to see the mountains. I filled my life with work and never let myself think about how unhappy I was. My family needed me. That was my excuse for living the way that I did. I would do any thing to keep the peace.

One night in October 2000 I had a very real dream that was destined to change my life. That dream opened up a new world to me by reminding me of a time when I had been very happy and my life was filled with joy. I dreamed that I was lost and looking for something and couldn't find it. Then I felt arms around me. Johnny's arms and for the first time in many years I was whole and happy. As you have all learned Johnny was my first love and we had been seperated against our will because I was too young to know my heart or at least that is what everyone thought.

I was determined to find out about Johnny and it took months before we were in contact again. When we finally talked we learned that the love that had been born so many years before had never died. I also learned that he had come close to dying one night as fumes had overcame him. On that night he had prayed that he would not die alone with no one to love him. He asked God to give him something to make life worthwhile again. We learned that that had happened the same night of my dream.

We continued to talk and learned that the love we had would only grow but I was married and there was little chance that we would even see eachother again. We were three thousand miles apart. It wasn't long before we started dreaming of a life together but how would that be possible? I was married and my children and their families all lived near me. There was no way that I could leave them or hurt them. I began living in two worlds always fearing that I would fall off somewhere in the middle and lose both.

Johnny was very patient with me. He didn't want to interfer in my life nor cause problems in my already troubled marriage. He just let me know that he loved me and made me see that I have value as a person. I knew that I was being offered a chance for the happiness that had eluded me for so long but I was afraid. I became the queen of excuses. My main excuse for not ending my marriage was the same as it had always been. I didn't want to hurt my family. It took months of pain and confusion before I finally realized something. I could not live my life through my children and they could not live my life for me. I decided to get a divorce and come back to California and hope that someday soon Johnny and I could have a chance for a life together. Still I stalled and it took me over a year to finally tell my husband that I was getting a divorce and longer to tell my children and grandchildren. I had so many excuses.

One day something happened that made me see things as they really were. I was using my family as an excuse because I was afaid. By staying in the situation that I lived in I was hurting them more because they were seeing a side of both my husband and myself that was not what they had always known. My excuses were hurting all of us, my family, my husband, myself and Johnny. That was the push that I needed to continue with the life that I know now that God had planned for me.

I came to California but learned a month later of the posibility that Johnny had lung cancer. There was no time for excuses he needed me and I went to him. That was the best decision that I have ever made in my life. Two days after I got to him he was in the hospital with pneumonia and while there was diagnosed with stage IV NSCLC. Dispite his diagnosis we had the most wonderful life together. I have never known such love or happiness as I did with him and he assured me that he felt the same.

We were together only five months when he died. The circumstances of his death left a lot of questions and left me hearbroken and alone. It also left me angry at God because I thought that he had betrayed my faith. Four months after his death I was back in California and two months later went to work in the assisted living home. The job was both physically and emotionally draining but I managed. Then circumstances brought me here to this beautifull little town in Northern California. There is no way I would ever have found this place on my own. I know that Johnny arranged for me to be here. I feel him near me all of the time. If I had not made so many excuses we could have had at the least another year together. He would have gotten to the doctor sooner and maybe been diagnosed before he was in a late stage. That will always be a regret that I will live with. When you feel in your heart that something is right go for it because excuses don't change things. They only cause delays and could cost you so much.

Before I left Washington I asked Johnny for one of three signs to let me know that he approved of my leaving and that he would still be with me. I had had so many signs up there but was afraid that they would stop once I left. I had a few while living down south but sense I am here I have had all three many times. One of those signs was a robin because I had not seen one sense leaving Louisiana. The first time I saw a robin about a month and a half ago it was all alone and I saw no other birds the rest of the morning even when I took Misty for her walk. Sense that day every morning the first bird I see is a robin. Evertime I look out the window I will see a robin no matter what window or what time of day. They follow me and Misty on our walks. One morning I didn't see one right away. I said "ok Sweetie where is my robin?" and it flew and landed right in front of my window. I know that he is with me.

Each day I feel stronger. I still miss him and ache for him all of the time. I am still haunted by his death and the fear the anxiety caused but I am finally finding peace one precious minute at a time. This is one of the most beautiful places I have ever seen. Each morning I look at the hills around me and the beauty takes my breath away. There are all of the evergreen trees that Johnny loved so much and there are so many shades of green that I can't count them. Now the trees are all in bloom with white, pink and purple and it the green of the evergreens large patches of red bud are visable. There are yellow freesha and daffodils growing wild. This morning the shy was the deepest blue that I have ever seen. There are no words to discribe it.

I have always believed that for some reason God redirected my life. When Johnny died I thought of all I had given up to be with him and then lost him as well. I felt cheated and alone. I thought my purpose was to see that his death was exposed for the wrong that was done but I failed in that. Then I found this board where I can tell his story and hope that in some way it can help someone. This morning as I was walking and looking at the beauty that surrounds me I asked God to show me why I am here and what he wants me to do. I think tonight I may have gotten my answer.

I met a woman who had something show on her chest exray. She is one of my neighbors and lives alone. She has a CT scan scheduled for tomorrow. I offered to help her in any way I can. Maybe I can be her advocate at the very least I can bring her here. She has no computer so I will lend mine and offer her all of my positive thoughts help and prayers. Maybe that is why God put me where I am in life today. If not then I know that sooner or later what he wants of me will be revealed. I have to have faith. What I am supposed to do will come and I will find a way to earn a living. I have both God and Johnny looking out for me how could I possible lose?

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What n amazing story. I believe in everything you said. My Bill has been gone only a little over three weeks but we (my kids and I) got signs from him after only a few days. It took us a couple of days to realize what we were experiencing but now it happens all of the time and like you I feel him with me all of the time. I literally can feel his breath and his hand on my right shoulder and the back of my neck. Missing him so much makes me physically ill sometimes but I do know he is with me.

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