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I surrender - I can't do "this" by myself


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Hi from Mrs. DeanCarl

It's been 6 months since Dean's preliminary Cancer Diagnosis. Time flies!

I'm so glad Dean found this board with you wonderful folks sharing and really caring. I rode the emotional rollercoaster rides of posts; have never been good at group situations; but posted a few thoughts to support others....also followed the "trails" of other's life's living through Dean's involvement. I need "help" from the Wife's/husband's point of view.

I have the word "Cancer" stamped in my brain. I am exhausted.

I try to hide my tears as some nights I can barely manage to wash the last dish or some other little chore. I am also peri-menopausal; PLUS

I am a recovering Mental Patient....had Atypical Psychosis at ages 23 and 25 (4 months of HELL each time - but the HELL ended). Met Dean at age 26 (he was 34); both Psychology Majors at City College (we're a "couple" - a Recoverying Alcoholic plus a Recoverying Nut = lots of "interesting" years - rocking and rolling for almost 20 years together!!!).

Had a slight in=home Psychosis at age 40 and Dean finally saw what my brain could do (slip away from reality; let out of one hospital while still Psychotic and then overdosed while in a Psychotic state (CA) - that I have no memory of doing) in March-April 2002 as I had a double Psychosis that darn near killed me (he is helping me by his thoughts of what he'd do if I would have died then). To add insult to injury; my Psychiatrist gave the "go ahead" to take the Supplement Black Kohash Root for the start

of perimenoupausal hormonal RAGES=tripled my Lithium Level and almost died again (kidney failure) in July 2003.

Diagnosed BiPolar (Manic-Depressive) at age 23. (Inherited it from my Dad, who is in complete Denial and is on no meds). Last May, I decided to make "amends" to my Dad - a very Authoritarian type - as he was turning 74. He's been "manic" for at least 30 years and I was sure his heart would "give" someday. He recently moved to Florida to finally retire. I felt totally abandoned when I told my family(?) of Dean's Cancer. I "lost" an older brother (may have lost him a long time ago to Alcohol) the same weekend of the Oct 3 prelimary Diagnosis. I called him (always thinking my big brother would be there for me) and he said: "Oh; gotta go. Have an appt" and hung up. I have not contacted him since. My Mom has never said the word Cancer. But my Dad HAS been there for me. It IS true the ones who have the least give the most; as he has always been on one "get rich scheme" or another (and always broke) - he sent us $100/month to help get us through our "survival mode" period from Oct - Dec. For once; he let me ramble on and actually listened to me about Dean's Cancer. His ex-wife's sister had just passed away from all sorts of Cancer. I got mad that my Mom has never said the word "Cancer". She helped a bit financially - a one time gift of $200 which I carefully jam-packed with food/freezer full; two "trips" with a Controlling Christian Woman who wants to make sure that Dean is "saved" - funny thing is she and everyone is going through me to find out Dean's beliefs. Then; food all in place for a month or two -the big So. CA Wildfires hit - The Cedar Fire - the one with the most damage; well that was us. We survived. However the power was off for A week - so much for the groceries. So much for thinking about Cancer for a week. Had a vacation from the tests at that grueling ride (70 miles roundtrip) - early morning rush hour traffic (Dean had driven the buses mid afternoon into late evening; so getting up at 6am was a challenge) to the VA. I found I found fault at everything they did at the VA. Ah ha!!! - it's the VA that did THIS to us. I got so mad everytime someone more than implied that Dean intentially set out to get Cancer.

Enough rambling. For the most part; I am a strong woman; but know when to yell HELP - the type Dean cannot give me. I started up in Therapy in Sept (before the diagnosis; Dean only(?) had pnemonia then and I wanted to get back in the working world to help out our financial situation; but had a few things to work through). This was totally unproffesional (and blind) on the Therapist' part; as I was "let go" from Therapy in Jan (the jury had been out on this lady; did not feel "any emotion" on her part; except the looks of disbelief when I told of my more than disfunctional family and my Mental Stuff - I had to tell her: "Really; I'm not making this up".) due to the fact, by coincedence Dean's daughter had the same Therapist. And with all the similarities in our life; the Therapist "DIDN'T GET IT" until Marsha and I agreed to tell of our relationship and that was six months into a very energy intensive emotion

investment on my part. I don't start out shy/slow in Therapy. So since Marsha was there first. I got "let go". Am still searching for a Professional; but how many Psychologists have lost their S.O. to Cancer? I believe in the been there, done that attitude.

I'm here now. Dean's here now. Now what? I keep reading Dean's One Day at a Time post. I totally believe in bubble baths - that became a "cliche" to a friend of mine who never tried it. I doing the best I can one day and one bubble bath at a time. Thanks for listening as I now am joining The Club. Any sugestions? Hope to boldy venture a few to you, too. Since there is no chance for a cure for Dean's Cancer (which I accept and stand by his decisions) - well; I feel like an odd one out. But now know I cannot do "this" by myself. Gay

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Coincidentally, I just posted some questions to you and Dean in Dean's new forum before reading this post.

Gay, I haven't a clue how to get through this for me or for a caregiver. Are you on anti-depressants? It does sound like depression and meds can ease the symptoms without erasing the very human and natural and needed sense of pain--that people do feel.

My heart goes out to all of us. I think there should be some kind of commune where cancer patients and family members can go to live together so that we can be surrounded by people who have some understanding of what we are going through. I feel so alone and isolated and it sounds like you do too.

I will write more later, but I did want to let you know that I "heard" you loud and clear and that all the good thougnts I can muster tonight are headed your and Dean's way.


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Glad you are here to stay! I don't have ANY idea how it feels to have a spouse with cancer. My Dad is the lung cancer patient and I am his ONLY caregiver. It is rough. There are LOTS of spouses here that can give you some great advice on dealing with your main man. You and Dean have been through a lot together............having made it through all that you have says a lot for the love that the two of you share. My heart breaks for you.

Any time that you just need to "talk", you can send me a personal message. I'm a stay at home Mom, so I check my mail several times each day.

Praying for you and Dean!!


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I can't really say I know what you are going through. I/we only knew for a few short days that Randy was sick and then he died very suddenly. I never had time to adjust to his being sick and knowing he was going to die.

The only thing I knew to do and still do is pray for God to guide me. I pray for peace in my heart and I pray for all those on here to have God's grace and to feel His love for each of us. Randy always said you have the play the hand you are dealt because life here on earth is a game and you have to make the best with what you have. Take each day for what it is. A blessing.

Follow your heart and do what you have to do. Take care of yourself so you can be there for Dean. The love you share is very precious.

I am glad you have joined us here at this sight. There are so many of us that know when we cry for help, someone here will answer. God will answer our prays for what we need.

Much love to you both.


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