Immediate Help Needed!

[JulieClark]

Hi!

I know I have been very quiet on this board, but I read the messages every day and have laughed, cried, grieved with, and prayed for each of you over the last 8 months.

I have a crisis here that I have no experience in dealing with, and I am needing some expertise. The crisis actually does not have much to do with my mother, who is still undergoing weekly navelbine chemo and is growing weaker but is feeling good otherwise. It has to do with my father, whom my mother divorced nearly 30 years ago. I have had a relationship with him during my entire childhood and adulthood. He is not a very easy personality to get along with and has alienated all other relatives except myself. He lives 2000 miles away, and we talk once every three weeks or so and see each other once every two or three years. He has had back pain for a few months now, and it is getting more intense. During this time, he also began corresponding with and went on 3 separate vacations with a female oncologist from Russia. They started talking about marriage, and she came to America with her 13 year old son a week ago. I got an e-mail from her this morning that she has read my father's MRIs and reports and after 20 years in the field, believes that he has multiple metastases of cancer all over his body. She doesn't know what to do next, because she can't practice medicine in this country. She doesn't even know how to set him up with an oncologist or get him the pain relief he needs. She has only told my dad that he has a tumor on his spine which could be benign, nothing about the other metastases. There is no way that I can physically go there for at least another week--my husband is traveling and I am homeschooling my two children.

What should I tell her? Any ideas would be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much.

[dadstimeon]

Hi Julie,

Sorry to hear about your situation with your mother and father. Who, what, where and when did your father get his MRI? It would seem that the doctor would have told him that and started some type of process for treatment(s)? Does he have a primary doctor and if so he should start there? The primary doctor would refer him to an oncologists. As an oncologist I would think she would know what direction to point your father in regardless of where she lives? Talk to your father and get all the facts and tell him about your concerns. Tell her you will get back to her when you have more information. Might even want your father to get a second opinion also. If I were you I would get as more information I could before I made the trip. Hope this helps. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Peace, take care and God Bless.

Rich

[Connie B]

Dear Julie,

I'm a little confused on where you dad is living. I am reading he lives her in the USA? So, how did this Onc Doc, lady friend of his read his reports?

Where did your dad have these tests done?

I thought think if he needs a doctor here in the USA then does he have a PRIMARY doc he can call on? That would be a start. Who has the results of the MRI he had done?

It's not hard to find a doctor. If worse comes to worse, check the phone books, or asked friends in that area. Does your dad have insurance?

Sorry I can't help more, but I think we are missing some links here.

Good Luck and God Bless.

[JulieClark]

Hi!

I just wanted to thank you all for your advice and understanding. I was feeling so guilty for not jumping the first plane to Kansas from here in California but somehow knew it would be best not to.

Here's a little bit more of the story--I apologize that it is rather confusing, but I am not sure how many straight answers I am getting from my dad. My did went to his primary care physician last summer, complaining of back pain. After trying to manage my dads pain after ordering an MRI on the back and the tumor looking like disc trouble, my dad didn't see that doctor or any other doctors until early in 2004 when he had an anestheologist friend give him 2 epidurals to help with the pain. From what I understand, last month his pc physician referred him to an orthopedic surgeon who ordered the newest MRI taken earlier this month. Then the orthopedic doctor left of vaction. In the meantime, the Russian oncologist arrived and, seeing my dad in so much pain, had him referred to an actupuncturist. The actupuncturist wanted a copy of the both MRIs and reports, which is where she read all this information and saw the growth of the tumor. she also suspects metastasis to the shoulder. I don't know how much dad will listen to me. It's been hard enough to run my home and be there as much as possible for my mom who lives an hour and a half away. The Russian doctor wants to leave the country and have me take care of my dad, now that he is in so much pain, he is not getting out of bed. He does have major medical insurance with a high deductible.

Thanks again for listening. I know it is a bit chaotic but am not so sure what my role is. My mom goes to a large HMO and lives fairly close and has a wide support system of family and friends. My dad avoids the doc when possible, hasn't lived within 2000 miles of me for my entire adult life, and only has me and this Russian lady who I have never met! I know all will work out fine in the end

[JulieClark]

Hi!

I just wanted to thank you all for your advice and understanding. I was feeling so guilty for not jumping the first plane to Kansas from here in California but somehow knew it would be best not to.

Here's a little bit more of the story--I apologize that it is rather confusing, but I am not sure how many straight answers I am getting from my dad. My did went to his primary care physician last summer, complaining of back pain. After trying to manage my dads pain after ordering an MRI on the back and the tumor looking like disc trouble, my dad didn't see that doctor or any other doctors until early in 2004 when he had an anestheologist friend give him 2 epidurals to help with the pain. From what I understand, last month his pc physician referred him to an orthopedic surgeon who ordered the newest MRI taken earlier this month. Then the orthopedic doctor left of vaction. In the meantime, the Russian oncologist arrived and, seeing my dad in so much pain, had him referred to an actupuncturist. The actupuncturist wanted a copy of the both MRIs and reports, which is where she read all this information and saw the growth of the tumor. she also suspects metastasis to the shoulder. I don't know how much dad will listen to me. It's been hard enough to run my home and be there as much as possible for my mom who lives an hour and a half away. The Russian doctor wants to leave the country and have me take care of my dad, now that he is in so much pain, he is not getting out of bed. He does have major medical insurance with a high deductible.

Thanks again for listening. I know it is a bit chaotic but am not so sure what my role is. My mom goes to a large HMO and lives fairly close and has a wide support system of family and friends. My dad avoids the doc when possible, hasn't lived within 2000 miles of me for my entire adult life, and only has me and this Russian lady who I have never met! I know all will work out fine in the end

[TeeTaa]

I think my first bit of advice would be for you to slow down and take a deep breath. Secondly, I would immediately try to get in touch with your father's primary care physician. The ortho doctor, acupuncturist, Russian doctor/lady friend, etc. are just making things more complicated when time could be of the essence. Leave messages on the pc's answering machine TODAY that you need to speak with him ASAP. Then keep calling tomorrow until you reach him. Explain the situation. Insist that he view the new MRI results and/or make a referral to another doctor.

And lastly, keep things in perspective . . . you don't know this Russian woman, and you haven't exactly had a great relationship with your father, so it's difficult for you to be of help. And until you know what you're truly dealing with, don't panic, jump on a plane or anything else rash. I applaud your efforts to help, but be sure to take care of yourself in the meantime.

Wishing you luck in finding some answers . . .

Blessings,

TeeTaa

[glo]

Wow, Julie --

You surely have had a load of stress dropped on you. I'm sorry I don't have any real advice, but I would echo what the others have said about taking a deep breath, slow down, try to calm down, and then try to obtain information from the primary care doctor.

Family members sometimes don't act very rationally, but they're still family and it speaks very well for you that you are so concerned and willing to help.

Wishing you luck in finding more information and with your Dad's health.

Gloria