KC Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Please tell me that I am not the only one out here who didn't stay with there loved one until they took their last breath? My father passed away on March 21, 2004, at 9:40 a.m. The dr. called us there the night before and we arrived at the hospital around 11:00. My father was already on a bypass machine and under alot of morphine. He wasn't responding to us, although we sat there and spoke to him for about 4 hours. I think once he squeezed my hand, but I'm not sure. I knew my father didn't want me there staring at him that way. I used to stare at him all the time and he just hated it. And when he was in pain the last couple of months, he always said to me that he never wanted me to see him that way. Even the last week when I would go to the hospital, he told me that there was no reason to come there every day, to just sit there and stare at him while he dozed in and out of sleep. He wanted me home taking care of my daughter, not worrying about him. This is how he was, always. He always told me not to worry about him, to just take care of my daughter. It was killing me to see him lying there, dying and I just couldn't imagine being there and listening to him take his last breath. I asked the nurse if she thought he would wake up at all and she said no. My mother and I decided to leave, as it was too traumatic and very disturbing to think about him taking his last breath. I put the cell phone to his ear and my brother told him what he wanted to tell him. He also told him to hang on through the night and to see if tomorrow was a better day. I said my goodbyes and kissed his head and told him I loved him and that I was going home to take care of my daughter because I know that is what he wanted me to do and then we left, that was around 3:00 a.m. He died about 6 hours later. I just couldn't sit there waiting for his heart to stop beating and now I am having tremendous guilt over the fact that I didn't stay with him until the very end. I was with him from day one of this horror for 2-1/2 years and at the end, I bailed and I'll never know now if he knew we weren't there or if he did open his eyes and if he felt hurt by it and I just feel so bad about it now. I feel like I took the easy way out for me and left him there to die all alone and I need to find peace with my decision. I know my father didn't want me to see him like that, but I still think I did the wrong thing. Am I the only one who didn't stay with their loved one until the last breath. I had the opportunity and I didn't do it and it hurts and I'm so sorry Daddy. I didn't want to leave you, I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kris Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 KC, You know what your Dad wanted and did exactly that. Your decision to leave was based on that. There is nothing to feel guilty for. Every situation is different and every person has strong feelings about how others see them when they are sick. You understood your Dad's wishes. They may not have been what you wanted to do but you did as he asked. It's tough to say not to beat yourself up. I was there with my Dad but I still have a lot of guilt over other things that took place in those last days. We need to rely on what we knew and remind ourselves that we made the best descisions we could with the information we had. Try not to be so hard on yourself (and I'll try the same). Kris Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna G Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 KC don't feel bad for not being there. I have found in my more than 35 yrs of nursing that many people leave this world after every one has gone home. It is almost as if they want it that way, not to put the family through watching . Many die during the night when they are most likely alone. I have seen many live until some one gets there as from out of state , that wants to see them and you wonder how do they hang on? Some how its like God gives them that last bit of control. Donna G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MO_Sugar Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 KC, We are all filled with woulda, shoulda, coulda's any time a traumatic event happens and that is what you are going through now. I am sure you did what was best and I am sure your Father loved you no matter if you were or weren't there at the very end. There was nothing more you could do at that point. He knew you loved him and that is all that matters. God Bless you and your family as you deal with the loss of a wonderful man. MO Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lyn Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Hi KC, I was not there at the moment my Mom passed either, as it was at 5:30 a.m. and she was living in a Nursing Home and I could not stay there 24/7 either. She hung on for a month after her stroke. We really didn't know when she would go. She went peacefully in her sleep (thank God). Don't beat yourself up over it. I was doing the same thing (and still am). Questioning everything and every decision I made for her as I was her health care proxy. I'm just trying to learn from everything that happened. I did read the book recommended "Final Gifts" which helped me a lot and I have ordered two more to read about death & dying. It helps me "cope". My father shared with me after his father had a stroke and could not move he went to see him and he said he could tell by the look in his eyes he did not want him there. He felt my grandfather did not want him to see him that way either. They are (were) both very strong men. So please know you are not alone in your circumstance. God Bless... Lyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Well K.C You have found one. I was outside my precious dads hospital door, when he took his last breath, I was there through everything else but couldnt bare the pain of watching, other family members were there so he wasnt alone. Once they gave him that morphine, I couldnt stand to see him that way even though everyone told me he looked so peaceful..He couldnt talk to me anymore, its sooo hard I wish I could comfort you more KC but its just soo overwhelming and painful to think about that day, hopefully its comforting for you to know you are not alone. It seems like it was alot easier to talk about when it first happened, I dont know I've just been having some bad days...I know its there somewhere, somewhere there is peace for us.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KC Posted March 31, 2004 Author Share Posted March 31, 2004 Thank you everyone for your support. I hope someday that I will be able to give back as much as I received on here from such wonderful, kind people. Cathy, my father didn't look peaceful at all while he was lying there breathing with his mouth wide open and that bypass machine over his nose and mouth and the little specks of blood inside of it. The rattling sound was horrible and they kept coming in every so often to check is oxygen levels. I couldn't sit there waiting and watching and hoping. I probably would have and then my mother turned to me and said, "I don't know about you, but do you really want to be here when he takes his last breath?" "Don't you think that will be too traumatic for you, I know it will for me". And that is when I started thinking about how it would be at that moment of the last breath, but I kept saying to her, but so many other people stay with them, why can't I? And she said, "but he isn't responding to us". The nurse said he could hear us, but I still don't know or think he could. I hope so. We left and we expected a call during the night that he had passed, but it didn't come. So when we woke up in the morning around 8:00 and realized the phone didn't ring, my mom called the hospital and they said his oxygen was the same as when we left, still in the 60's. My mother was getting ready to go back to the hospital, and I told her that I wasn't going back there. That when I left last night, I took all of his belongings and said goodbye and that I couldn't go back there and watch him die. So she was getting ready to go alone and then the nurse called at 9:42 a.m. and told us he had passed away. My mom went to see him after he had gone, but again, I couldn't go. She said he was still warm and looked very very peaceful, like he was sleeping and that she talked to him and that she felt he could hear her more then than she felt he could last night. Again, I'm sorry I didn't go then either. This is the one thing I didn't want when my father passed away and that was regret. I didn't want any regrets, yet here I am with regrets. I'm sorry to burden all of you with this. I know everyone here has there own sorrow and struggles, I just have no where else to turn. My mother just left my house and told me that she wanted to clear out my father's clothes and belongings and donate them to make room because my brother is moving in next week. I told her I'm not ready to do that and she said I don't have to do it that she and my aunt will. I told her no. Why do I have to go by her timetable. She's mad, I can tell, but I don't want to donate my father's clothes yet. Thank you all for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glo Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 KC - You were there to the end -- to the end of his consciousness -- to the end of the time he wanted you there. You honored his wishes. You have nothing to berate yourself for. Those times are so traumatic that nobody thinks much at all, but just reacts. Only afterward when we have too much time to think and analyze, do we question our actions. Try and make peace with yourself over that. Your dad did it his way, and that was his right. Gloria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 KC; When my Mom passed away I had gone home to sleep, after being by her side for 36 hours. I will never forget that phone ringing at 3:20 a.m. For months I would on occasion wake up at that time. My Dad passed away last May and I was at his side for the last 6 hours until he died. I had promised to take him home that day...now I tell myself I didn't take him home but I helped him to get home. To stay or to go is very subjective and you have to trust your instincts at the time.Neither way was "better "than the other...both were painful.You did as your father wished...that is the best choice. As for the clothing...I have a suggestion (which I intend to do myself). Pick out a few special peices that really remind you of your Dad and have a quilt made with some of the material. It will make it easier to donate the rest.Hang in there... God bless, Lynn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ann Posted March 31, 2004 Share Posted March 31, 2004 Whatever you do, please don't beat yourself up over this! I am sure your father would not want you going through all of these feelings of guilt. None of us really know what is experienced at the end but we have to believe that the experience is very beautiful for the person leaving this earth. You were a great daughter. You saw your father through two and a half years of really hard times. I am sure that you were just where he would have wanted you to be...with your daughter! My prayers are with you that you may find peace in your heart and that your father will help to bring that peace around! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KC Posted April 1, 2004 Author Share Posted April 1, 2004 Thank you all so much. Your words really do help me, more than you'll ever know. I will read them over and over again until they sink in. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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