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The Lighter Side:


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"I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet." Rodney Dangerfield.

"An incompetent lawyer can delay a trial for months or years. A competent lawyer can delay one even longer." Evelle Younger.

"You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is." Ellen DeGeners.

"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac." George Carlin.

"I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?"Paul Merton.

"The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..." Steven Wright.

"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down." George Burns.

"The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with." Marty Feldman.

"If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?" Steven Wright.

"For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off." Johnny Carson.

"Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.' " Charlie Brown.

"USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population."David Letterman.

"Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches." Jim Carrey.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison.

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright.

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."Henry Youngman.

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time." Steven Wright.

"My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden." Eric Morecambe.

"Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so." Gore Vidal.

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts." Will Rogers.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep." Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut." Ernest Hemmingway.

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net." Bob Dole.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Dan Quayle.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law." David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." Al Capone.

"A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done." Fred Allen.

"It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago." Dan Quayle.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." Daniel J. Boorstin.

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own *ss, okay?" Denis Leary.

"The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind." Humprey Bogart.

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on." Joe E Lewis.

"He was a wise man who invented beer." Plato.

"I can resist everything except temptation." Oscar Wilde.

"My doctor gave me six months to live, but when I couldn't pay the bill he gave me six months more." Walter Matthau.

"First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me." Steve Martin.

"Death is nature's way of telling you to slow down." Dick Sharples.

"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." Patrick Murray.

"The one great principle of English law is to make business for itself." Charles Dickens.

"A lawyer is a learned gentleman who rescues your estate from your enemies and keeps it to himself." Henry Bougham.

"Death is not the end. There remains the litigation over the estate." Ambrose Bierce.

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