Mom still Smoking

[ejpritz]

Hey everyone:

I cannot believe it, but we have found out that my mother is still smoking. She hides it by going in the bathroom when she is alone, but we have caught on to it.

I just don't get it. She had that surgery two weeks ago today. Everything went so well and she knows that smoking lowers her chances significantly. I really thought that what she went through last week and this week would have scared her enough to quit. She is still in tons of pain.

Any advice? Now I am angry at her. I feel like she put her three kids and friends and family through hell the past few months, especially the week of the surgery. Now everyone is feeling good about it all and she starts smoking again. I feel like telling her that unless she quits she is on her own witht his whole thing. I feel as though I should not give up so much time and energy to fight a battle that she is going to make impossible to win.

[shelliemacs]

I can understand your anger. BUT maybe your mom smokes out of a number of different reasons. She's scared, tired, anxious, nervous, bored. Its probably very hard to quit at this point. My father quit smoking 16 years ago and got LC in January of this year. He says now (because mom just died of lung cancer in August 2003) that if he knew quitting would be for nothing, he would not have stopped.

he knows whats happening to him and what is going to happen to him. He says now he wants to enjoy what time he has left and if he hadn't already quit, he'd take it up again.

try to go easy on your mom, she's the only mom you have and its harder on her than it is on you right now.

[gerbil runner]

Many people can't quit, even with a cancer diagnosis. Heck, my mom kept smoking after her heart attack. It is VERY hard to quit, especially under times of stress - and what's more stressful than cancer?

The 2 things that helped my mom quit were being in the hospital almost 3 weeks where it was impossible to smoke, and the fear that she would rupture her lung tumor by coughing (which was a very real possibility before she got chemo) and bleed to death. Then, she had such a great tumor response, she's inspired to stay quit so she can beat this beast.

Try not to be angry with your mom. It isn't personal. She's likely scared, depressed, in physical pain, and ashamed that she smoked in the first place. Talk to her dr. about medical support to help her quit - antidepressants may be of more help than the patch.

[Guest Karen C]

Smoking is a very very bad addition, some have compared it to heroin.

My husband Dave smoked for 20 years and the oncologist said that it was definitely a cause of his SCLC. He quit cold turkey then, BUT I will say that he had our newly adopted daughter to live for. He has told me since he would never have quit if he hadn't gotten diagnosed. I'd like to add to that he probably would have never quit if he didn't have our daughter to live for and raise (doesn't trust me to do it alone, ha!).

In all seriousness, it's a tough tough addiction coupled with the stress and anxiety she must be feeling. Try to talk compassionately with her, and if she seems to understand how dangerous it is, perhaps you can go with her to the oncologist to discuss it. Maybe he can find a therapist to help with any anxiety or depression and also they can help with patches or drugs, if she wants to.

Good luck and keep your patience (which is hard to do when you're worried sick about someone you love).

Karen C.

(David C's wife)

[TheresaKB]

Hello,

Having lived with smokers most of my life I know how tough it is for them to quit smoking. I am wondering if your Mom may be feeling depressed, scared or stressed out. I think this is the time your Mom needs your support the most. Letting her know that you are there for her and that she can talk to you instead of lighting up a cigarette when she's feeling down, depressed or stressed out might help. Like Jen said, anti-depressants might also help your Mom.

Be strong for your Mom, she's going to need it.

Praying for you and your Mom,

Theresa

[Angie Daughter of Bill]

My Dad is stage IV. He is still smoking. At first, I felt much like you do. But after I thought about...........well, I decided to be there for him during this fight no matter what.......even with him still smoking. I did ask him if he thought it would be a good idea to quit since he has decided to fight this disease. His response was that he would do what he could to keep this disease at bay as long as he can, BUT he is going to enjoy the time he has, whether its 6 months or 60 years. He said he enjoys smoking and that with the stress of this disease on him, he didn't think he could quit right now. So, I haven't said anything else to him. I made a commitment to him and to myself to support him, come what may, so that's what I will do. I know it's frustrating...........but he's my Dad and I love him. I didn't want to spend what time he has fussing over smoking. I wanted to build wonderful positive memories instead.

[DeanCarl]

First off, your Mother did NOT put you through hell ... the DISEASE did! If you want to get angry at something, get angry at the disease ... not your Mother.

Secondly: Nicotine is the third most addictive substance known. Ranks right up there just below crack cocaine and ABOVE heroin. Logic, fear, even lots of pain are, sometimes, not enough to fight off the cravings of addiction. I would bet you dollars to doughnuts your Mom is just as, if not MORE, upset about her smoking than you are. And just might be MORE confused than you about why she CAN'T stop. So, again, if you want to get angry at something ... get angry at the addiction ... not your Mother.

I'm not going to apologize for sounding a bit harsh. If you are going to help your Mother beat this disease AND get rid of that addiction you are going to have to seperate the person your Mom is from the disease and the addiction.

Inderdiction can be a valuable tool when dealing with an addiction, but think it through first. Are you REALLY ready to walk away from your Mother and let her "be on her own through all this"? If I have any advice it's don't pull out the big guns unless you are really ready to pull the trigger.

Seems to me the first step might be to let your Mom know that YOU know she's still smoking and find out how she feels about it. If she's as upset and confused about it as you are then you can check out what to do about it TOGETHER. That would make things a lot easier to deal with for both of you.

Dean

[Nancy O.]

Please be supportive of your mother. I had a hard time quitting even with the diagnosis and surgery. I would put some time together, but the addiction was still stronger than I was. I felt like a little child when my doctors talked to me about not smoking. Like I was a bad, bad little girl. I finally quit after many tries, but the decision had to be my own and when the time was right. I too enjoy smoking and still miss it sometimes. For me it's one day at a time and it takes a lot to stay away from cigarettes. Just please love your mom, smoking or not. She did not ask for this disease, but she has to try and deal with it in her own way.

[ejpritz]

What I said is "I feel like telling her she is on her own" Not that I am going to. That is honestly how I feel right now. Would I ever do that to her? No. But I am angry and yes, I am a little angry at her right now for still smoking. Sorry, can't control my feelings.

I would not make her go throuh this alone. Her surgeon says he doesn't want to treat smokers because its a loosing battle, and I kind of feel like him right now. Its hard to try to help someone who isn't too interested in helping themselves and that causes people to feel upset.

So if it seems harsh to people that I am mad at her right now then I don't know what to say. Its my true feelings and this is a place where I can express them so I did.

I just wnat her to get better and enjoy life again. Its been years and years sice she has felt good or happy due to a large number of other problems, depression, alchohl abuse. Treatnment for these things is how they found the cancer in the first place. So it has been a rough ride, of course more so for her than anyone. Don't think I don't now that. The reason I have such a hard time with her getting sick is that all I can think about is how terrified she must be and there is nothing I can do to help her.

Thats all we want, is for her to get better. I know the anger will subside but it is a little of a shock right now.

[Snowflake]

No, the anger will not subside...

I sat through a three-hour surgery with my mother as my father had his heart repaired...his surgeon said it was heart disease caused by 40+ years of smoking...and Dad said he quit, smoked his last cigarette the day of the stress test that had his butt thrown into Intensive Care and lined up for bypass surgery the next day...

So, one morning on my way to work I had to drop off something for him that he had left at home (at the time, he went to work earlier than I did and his job was on my way to work)... I pulled in at the back door and there was my dad, puffing away... I saw him, he saw me and his words were, "Don't tell your mother."

My reply? (and boy, was it lightning quick) "Dad, how do you get your head that far up your a**?" and then I left...

He still smokes every now and then and I still don't like it. Doesn't matter the arguments I read here, doesn't matter that I love him, sometimes I just don't like him very much!

So, three years after "busting" my dad, I can tell you, the anger will not go away.

Becky

[MO_Sugar]

I had my last smoke on the way to the hospital to start chemo. I have not had one since June 6, 2003 (wow thats 10 months today!!). Thats not to say there are not still times when I would really like one (mentally) but I have gotten to where I can not stand the smell of them!

Your Mom has to decide when the time is right for her to quit especially if she is fighting other addictions also.

Prayers for strength headed her way.

God Bless,

MO

[sharyn]

Well, I am sorry to report that my Dad is still smoking too!! He started sneaking them, then would have "one or two" a day, now he just smokes when he wants to.... I went the route of yelling, crying, begging and I finally decided that he is a big boy and is capable of making his own decisions - being a past smoker, I know how hard it is. I also feel that it is his way of dealing with the stress of his diagnosis (and a bit of denial mixed in). Anyway, I have accepted his decision and I do not comment on it any longer... time is so short and I was wasting alot of it lecturing him!! Love, Sharon

[luvmydog2]

My brother had lung surgery in 1993. I don't know what type or anything. they took out part of a lung. The doctor told him that he was basicly cured but if he did not stop smoking he would not be around in 5 years to claim the victory. You guessed it...he continued to smoke. He made it 6 1/2 years and died in 1999. Only wish I knew what stage and type he had. Think it was NSCLC cause they did not operate on SCLC then.

As for me...I quit cold turkey when I saw results of biopsy. I left the dr office and lit one up in the car. That was my last ...18 mo ago. I still have the last 3 packs that I bought. While cleaning my car out when I bought my truck this year, my wife pitched them in trash can. I got them out tho. Don't have desire for any and don't know why I hang on to them.

Bruce

[tess]

You need to tell your mom what you told us on your last reply. Be honest and tell her the truth. Also another great place to learn about quitting and to learn about the addiction and how to break it, go to: www.whyquit.com

Its a great place, and it just might give her the tools she needs. If she wont' read it, print some of the pages out and have her read them. This is the best website I've seen yet! Good Luck!

Tess

[Fall54]

When my brother was dx with lc he had just celebrated a little over a year of sobriety. He had been a severe alcoholic since he was a teenager. I come from a family of 5 brothers and 2 sisters and none of us nor my parents were ever alcoholics. My parents never drank and the rest of us did our share growing up but grew up and left it alone. Alan was our miracle of 2003. A day my Mother always said she would never see in her lifetime. I told her to never give up hope. Alan saw a DR all through the year of sobriety and got on the right medications for anxiety and depression and Alan feels his DR saved him from drinking himself to death. Alan's next goal he told his DR was to quit smoking and they were planning on his starting very soon after his year of sobriety. Two weeks later he is dx with cancer and HIS DOCTOR told him flat out "Alan, this is not the time to give up smoking". I think the reason he was told this is because his DR was scared he might go back to drinking when he heard he had the cancer. Alan has lc but as stated below it had spread to his liver and he had at least 30 spots. Which would have been the best of two evils for the diasese?? I think the drinking. My brother never went back to drinking and says he has no desire to. Thank you Lord. He has told me on numerous occasions that every time he goes to chemo he plans to quit after the session and never smoke again. He is a bit hard on himself as he has not been able to do that. He has been going through a very rocky marriage and is moving from Maine to New Hampshire to live with my family the first of May. Both my husband and I smoke. I have quit 3 times , twice for 6 months and once for 3 months. My husband one the other hand has never quit and has no desire to which makes it especially hard on me to do. I am Alan's best friend, confidant and sort of surrogate Mother all rolled into one. I dont blame Alan for not quitting but also know his desire to do so. I think this disease is about all he can handle right now. When and IF he quits it will be his decision, made by him FOR him. I worry that living here he may never make that decision but I dont know what I can do about it as I know I am not ready and my husband as I said has a very high stress level and wants no part of quitting. He welcomes Alan with open arms and is the most supportive person I know but he does make his own decisions when it comes to his body. I know how you feel and it is so hard for a non smoker to understand. Your Mother is going through her own war right now and needs as many allies as she can have. Be her allie and realise that She has to make the decision if it is to be made, and if she never does enjoy every minute you have with her as no one guarentees us the next minute. God bless you both.

[ejpritz]

Thanks everyone. As I said, I am angry but not going to abandon my mother. In a few days I am sure the anger will be less and less.

I just hope she quits, and I wish I could help her do it somehow.

I know I can't make her quit, but I will be praying for her to decide to.

Erin