Mr Ry Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Blonde - Elmo Factory Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her. After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arived there the blonde was sewing to marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test tickles; not two testicles!'' Take an Elmo to the Testicle Festival. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 ....or we could sew two red pompons onto a "ball cap" and save $$ on buying the whole stuffed critter.... ...and if you can't beat 'em: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant? Her legs. What does a blonde use for leg warmers? Her panties. How does a blonde turn on the lights after sex? She opens the car door. What is the most common question asked by a blonde after sex? "So, what team are you all on?" What is known as a blonde's mating call? "I'm SOOOO drunk" What do you call a blonde with half a brain? Gifted. What do you call a blonde with two brain cells? Pregnant. A blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desert island. While walking on the beach, they find a magic lamp. The genie offers each woman a wish as they all found the lamp together and EVERYONE knows that genies only grant three wishes. The redhead gets her wish first, "I wish I were home watching Oprah instead of here..." POOF, puff of smoke and her wish is granted, she's gone... The brunette is next and wishes for being in a large mansion with servants at her beck and call....POOF, puff of smoke and SHE'S gone... Next up is the blonde....she looks around and says, "Gee, it's lonely here by myself, I wish the others were here with me."....POOF! [WARNING] A rabbi and a priest live next door to each other. One morning, the priest notices the rabbi coming out of his house and sees the rabbi motioning the sign of the cross before heading to his car. He finds this very strange and decides to take a peek the next morning...same thing the next morning! The priest decides to find out just what is going on and asks the rabbi if he has converted to Catholicism... The rabbi asks just what the priest is talking about, no, he hasn't converted! Father then asks him about the genuflecting he had witnessed. The rabbi smiles and goes over the motions of his morning ritual with the priest: spectacles, testicles, cigars and wallet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mr Ry Posted April 8, 2004 Author Share Posted April 8, 2004 Becky, You have just about covered all the blond jokes I found on the internet. I am going to have to start making them up. John PS I do have one more. Why did the blond wear big hoop earrings on a date? So She would have a place to put her feet. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Oh, John....I've heard SOOOO many of them in my life, being a blonde...those were the ones I recalled off the top of my head... What is blowing in a blonde's ear considered? Refueling. A blonde is driving down the highway and sees a brunette distraught on the side of the road - seems she has just hit a rabbit! Poor little critter is mushed and the brunette is just beside herself with grief. The blonde says not to worry, she knows what to do and goes to her trunk to get something... The blonde comes back with an aerosol can and sprays it on the rabbit. Miraculously, the rabbit pops up off the pavement and heads away from the women, stopping after only five feet and waving to them...hops a bit further and turns around to wave again... The brunette is AMAZED and asks the blonde what was in the can...the blonde replies that it's hair spray - it restores dead hair and sets a permanent wave.... (...and still going...) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 You two have to stop with the joke wars. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Ry, They're just getting warmed up!!! Gee, Ma, you're no fun...... If John gets to be too much, just close the door..... lol.... Later, gator! XOXOX MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luvmydog2 Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 I've got more if you need them John. 26. Q: How do you kill a blonde? A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads. 27. Q: How do blondes pierce their ears? A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads. 28. Q: Why don't blondes eat Jello? A: They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages. 29. Q: What do you call a blonde with a dollar on the top of their head? A: All you can eat, under a buck. 30. Q: Why don't blondes eat pickles? A: Because they can't get their head in the jar. 32. Q: Why do blondes wear hoop earings? A: They have to have some place to rest their ankles. 34. Q: Why do blondes wear green lipstick? A: Because red means stop. 40. Q: What's the mating call of the blonde? A: "I'm *sooo* drunk!" 41. Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde? A: (Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!" 42. Q: What's the mating call of the brunette? A: "All the blondes have gone home!" 43. Q: What's a brunette's mating call ? A: Has that blonde gone yet? 44. Q: What's the mating call of the redhead? A: "Next!" 45. Q: Why do Blondes like the GST? (GST -- Goods and Services Tax now in effect in Canada) A: Because they can spell it. 47. Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes? A: Toes go in first. 49. Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in? A: "Have another beer." 50. Q: What do blondes do with their arseholes in the morning ? A: Pack their lunch and send them to work. 51. Q: What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning? A1: Introduces themself. A2: Walks home. 56. Q: Why do blondes like tilt steering? A: More head room. 57. Q: Why do blondes drive cars with sunroofs? A: More leg room. 58. Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH? A: A blonde going through a flashing red light. 59. Q: What does a blonde say when you ask her if her blinker is on? A: It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. It's on. It's off. 60. Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch? A: To turn the blinker off. 61. Q: What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel? A: An Air Bag. 63. Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car? A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche. 72. Q: What does a blonde say when you blow in their ear? A: "Thanks for the refill!" 73. Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear? A: Data transfer. 74. Q: Why do blondes have more fun? A: Because they don't know any better. 75. Q: How many blondes does it take to change a lightbulb? A1: "What's a lightbulb?" A2: One. She holds the bulb and the world revolves around her. A3: Two. One to hold the Diet Pepsi, and one to call, "Daaady!" 76. Q: What's a blonde's favourite wine? A: "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!" 77. Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes? A: A wine cellar. 80. Q: What does a dumb blonde say when she gives birth? A: Gee, Are you sure it's mine? 81. Q: What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's mine?" 83. Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you? A: Tell her she's pregnant. 84. Q: What will she ask you? A: "Is it mine?" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted April 8, 2004 Share Posted April 8, 2004 Bruce and John, Here's some much needed insight for you: Why Women Are Cranky We start to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears. Enter the almighty, uncomfortable training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crankies, have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) is having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it's off to Motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee our pants every time we sneeze. When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more (or 10) good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the b*stard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10lb. bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morph into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. The teen years. Need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our mid-30s to early 40s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place). Now we hit the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... Now I love being a woman but "Womanhood" would make the Great Ghandia a tad crabby. Women are the "weaker sex"? Yeah, right. Bite me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 Boy do you have it right Becky. I could have swore tho that Johnny was older than me. 18? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TBone Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 And we all know why blondes have one more brain cell than a horse. So they won't sh_t in a parade TBone Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted April 10, 2004 Share Posted April 10, 2004 T-Bone, We all know that men have one more brain cell than dogs to keep them from humping your leg at parties.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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