RETALIATION!! *R Rated*

[Snowflake]

A man walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini. Each time the bartender set down a fresh martini, the man removed the olive and placed it in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, he stood to leave.

"Excuse me," said a customer who was puzzled over what he had observed, "what was that all about?"

"Nothing," said the man, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives."

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There was a farmer who had four daughters.

One night, he heard a knock at the door and found a young man standing there. The young man said, "My name is Freddy. I've come to pick up Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. I hope she's ready." The farmer thought that this was cute, so he let them go out.

Pretty soon there was another knock at the door and another young man was there. He said, "My name is Vance. I've come for Nance. We're going to a dance. Is she ready by chance?" Again, the farmer thought this was cute and let them go.

Soon, another knock on the door with yet another young man standing there. He said, "My name is Moe. I'm here to get Flo. We're going to a show. Is she ready to go?" Again the farmer was amused and let them go.

Once again, there was a knock on the door and a young man was standing there. He began, "My name is Chuck..." The farmer shot him.

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A company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $200.00 a week. Why?"

The CEO then hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

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Toward the end of the golf course, Harry somehow managed to hit his ball into the woods finding it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups.

Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the patch. All of a sudden . . .POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, "I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups?! Just for that, you won't have any butter for your popcorn the rest of your life; better still; you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life..... as a matter of fact, you won't have any butter for anything the rest of your life!" THEN POOF!.... she was gone.

After Harry got a hold of himself, he hollered for his friend, Fred. "Fred, where are you?"

Fred yells back, "I'm over here, in the pussywillows."

Harry yells back...... "DON'T SWING FRED!!! For God sake, DON'T SWING!!"

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An executive was in quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Karen or Jack.

It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning, whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go.

Karen came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said: "Karen, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Karen replied, "Could you jack off? I feel like shi_."

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Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.

"I want to get weighed," she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"

Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

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A guy sticks his head in the barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." The guy leaves.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes." In a little while, Bill comes back into the shop laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looked up and said, "To your house."

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A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little?"

she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room

and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."

The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, "Hi, Keith!"

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Roll Naked

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude".

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. She then picked up all the money and her clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I don't know, I thought YOU were watching!"

Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb, but all men....are men.

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week they even presented her with a pay envelope containing a dollar. The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the dollar pay she had received to the bank the next day to start a savings account in her name..

When they got to the bank the teller asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked all last week with a crew building a house."

"My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week, too?"

The little girl replied, "I will if those useless sons-a-bitches at Lowe's ever bring us any drywall that's worth a shi_."

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Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?"

"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil.

It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now."

I was impressed. I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So when he later returned to the table, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant.

That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%."

"After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon."

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A boy and his father went to a shopping mall. They were amazed by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again.

The boy asked his father, "What is that father?"

The father responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like that in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching, an elderly woman slowly walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up.

They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 25-year-old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

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My girlfriend and I were dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me and that was my mother-in-law to be.

She was a career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and sexy, who sometimes flirted with me, which made me feel uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I got married and committed life to her daughter, she wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.

So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me." I just watched her delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and instead went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out of the house. Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in his eyes, hugged me and said, "We are very happy and pleased, you have passed our little test! We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

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In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their *ss was too fat, 15 percent said their *ss was too thin and the other five percent said they didn't care, they would have married him anyway.

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Q: What's the difference between light and hard?

A: You can sleep with a light on.

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A flight attendant for a major airline, watched one day as a passenger hopelessly overloaded with bags tried to stuff his belongings in the overhead bin of the plane. Finally, she informed him that he would have to check the oversized luggage.

"When I fly other airlines," he said irritably, "I never have this problem."

She smiled and said, "Sir, when you fly other airlines, I don't have this problem either."

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Diary of a Newlywed Bride

MONDAY: It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.

TUESDAY: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought a friend home for supper.

WEDNESDAY: A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kinda of silly but I took a bath. I can't say it improved the rice any.

THURSDAY: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving. Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was rolling around in the garden.

FRIDAY: I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put all ingredients in bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back everything was the same as when I left.

SATURDAY: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He

asked me to dress it for Sunday (oh boy). For some reason Bob keeps

counting to ten.

SUNDAY: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast. All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.

GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week. I am

eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If

we could just get a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with Chocolate Moose.

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A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort in Northern Minnesota. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out on the lake. She motors out a short distance, anchors and continues to read her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking "isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a restricted fishing area." he informs her.

"I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault." says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment!"

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads, it's likely she can also think.

[Angie Daughter of Bill]

You have outdone yourself!! I loved the one about the buttercups. The one about "getting weighed" was good, too!

Are you typing all of these? I can't copy and paste here anymore. It would have taken me two days to type all of that! Thanks for the laughs!

Angie

[Lisa O]

Angie,

Those were my favorites too!!!