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lawyer jokes.... by doctors

Lisa O

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An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor.

The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.”

“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.”


A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain.

She was also informed that a 1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain of a movie star $600.

She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would prefer a lawyer brain. That’s fine, she was told, but that will cost you $10,000.

“What?” she replied incredulously. “If a surgeon's brain only costs $500, why does a lawyer’s brain cost $10,000?”

“Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of brain?” the doctor replied.


Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted island with no lawyers, they wouldn’t need any aspirin.


A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. “Which side is it best to lie on?” she asked.

“The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.


A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted.

“Darling, it was just a shark,” said his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining that there are lawyers everywhere.”


A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road.

The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.

The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away.

“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.

“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.


A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.

The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.


Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.


Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment slipped and his pelvic region was X-rayed instead.

“Oh, no!” cried the lab technician. “Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!”

“What does that mean?” asked the worried young man.

“It’s serious,” replied the technician. “All your children will be lawyers.”


A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a particularly slow group of golfers.

"What's wrong with these guys?" fumed the lawyer. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

"I don't know," said the doctor, "but I've never seen such


"Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Let's have a word with him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow. aren't they?"

"Oh, yes," said George, "That's the group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here anytime free of charge!"

Everyone was silent for a moment.

Then the priest said, "That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for them tonight."

"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is anything he can do for them," the doctor added.

"Why can't these guys play at night?" asked the lawyer.

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Ah, one of my favorite topics, the lawyer debate. Do we like them, do we not? I have not answered it myself. :)

Personally, me, I don't care for most. Stereotypically most lawyers are mean obnoxious arrogant unsympathetic tushyholes :)

Then there are the few who are good hearted people and actually care.

I call those "Atypical lawyer".

BUT, as much as I agree with the jokes, I always say unfortunately most need a lawyer at one time or another. How else could we sue for doctor's mistakes? :shock: heeheeheeeheeheehee

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