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Let me off this Roller-Coaster!


Guest Billie

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Guest Billie

Hi Everyone,

I haven't posted in the last couple weeks because I have been on an emotional roller-coaster and couldn't read much or post without crying like a baby. 3 weeks ago I had a consultation at the U of WI Cancer Center regarding the GVAX Clinical Trials. At that time, they told me that I did not qualify because the nodes in my neck had disappeared and I no longer had an accessible tumor that could be removed under local anesthesia. I was disappointed at the time, but they kept telling me that this was very good news for me since my tumors had obviously shrunk from the chemotherapy. My oncologist, on physical exam, was telling me the same thing. So I was excited to think that things were working for me, but then I awoke one morning the week before last to discover that I could feel a sizable node in my neck again. I had a CT scan last Tuesday of neck and chest and went to the oncologist on Friday for results. Sure enough, my cancer is growing again. Crazy thing is... the turmor in my lung has shrunk some more, but the tumors in my lymph nodes in my neck an on my adrenal gland have grown. My doctor immediately called one of the doctors at U of WI Cancer Clinic (they did residency together),and told her of my new scan results. So, now it appears that I am a perfect candidate for the GVAX trials. I am today awaiting a call to schedule my surgery to remove the lymph node(s) in my neck.

At this point, I don't know whether to be upset or optimistic.

I have always maintained that things happen the way they do for a reason, and that God has his plan for all of us. So, I keep trying to tell myself that the tumors have returned to my neck so that I could go into this clinical trial. My oncologist feels that this is my best course of action right now and I guess I do too, since I sure don't want to go through any more chemo. But this has been an absolute emotional roller-coaster ride for the past few weeks and it consumes my thoughts day and night.

I need emotional help too, I guess.

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Bille,

Go for the optimism. All things happen for a reason. It is far easier to have THAT frame of mind versus the "What ifs"....and if you find yourself in the "What if" frame, put a positive spin on it. WHAT IF your doctor hadn't done residency with the person you just happen to need to contact? WHAT IF the tumors in the lung hadn't shrunk some? WHAT IF you didn't have all the support of the people on this board?

Hang on, fasten your seatbelt and keep the bar down. We're all in the car with you (and I promise to keep my barf bag tight to my cheeks on the really scary parts so you don't have to put up with THAT, too).

Positive thoughts coming your way,

Becky

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We're all right behind you on the roller coaster ride. And it is impossible to figure out any of it. I don't know about you, but I've learned a lot on this ride.

Now since this last diagnosis, I did go on anti-depressents and searched out therapy with a cancer specialist. Both have helped tremendously.

gail

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Guest Billie

Thank you all so much for your responses. Yes, I know we are all on this ride together and you know, it does help to talk to you guys. At least you all do truly understand the ups and downs that we all experience. Margaret, I think you are right. This may be a blessing in disguise for me. At least that's the way I am going to look at it from now on. And Becky, thanks so much for your sense of humor. I always try to read your posts because they do make me smile and laugh when it's most needed.

Billie

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