Thanks for the Laughs. They are so needed.

[lilyjohn]

I am reminded of the saying "it is better to laugh than to cry". That is such a true statement. There is more to it than that too. Sharing a good laugh like we do on chat or the laughter forum gives me a chance to remember Johnny like he was before the anxiety got so bad and even funny things he would say even after it got bad. I can see him, his humor and his gentleness, not just the fear and anxiety that started to rule our lives.

I had a very troubled childhood and so did Johnny. When we met he was 11 years older than me and life had already thrown him a lot of curves but he brought me out of the shell that I was in. He taught me how to laugh, love and enjoy life. He was talented and handsome, strong and gentle and loved me as intensely as I loved him.

Our seperation cost us both a lot but it gave us our children and grandchildren. They should have been ours together but how do you say you regret what you do have? We couldn't regret our families but we did regret the time lost to us and that we never had children together. Our marriages cost us a lot of self esteem. I was just a shell of the person I had been with Johnny.

You ladies might be interested to know what a prude I was. I never discussed sex or the human anatomy. If someone started a conversation like that around me I ignored it or left the room. I just didn't know how to be a whole person without my Johnny.

Easter was a terrible day for me. I did enjoy the sunrise service but my day went down hill from there. Like all other holidays I thought about how I had wanted to make it special for Johnny because he never had that. I also remembered how it had been with my children and grandchildren and knew that it was the same for them again but without me.

The last holiday I spent with my family before I left them was Easter. I was sad knowing it would be the last but I was lonely too. I could be with the biggest crowd and always felt alone even with my own family because they never really knew the real me. The me that was whole and happy. The me that I could be with Johnny. That last Easter with them I knew I had a whole new life of happiness waiting for me. At the time I had no idea that that life would only last five months and that the last two months would be fillled with the problems brought on by fear and anxiety.

I still get angry but I am better able to control it now than I was most of the time. Losing him would have been terrible at any time but he was taken far too soon. He wanted a chance to fight for his life and he was deliberately denied that chance. That is only one of the things that haunt me. When they ignored his anxiety we tried to fix it ourselves. That only led to more problems. I thought that they just didn't know how bad the problem was. I only learned ten days before he died that they had known all along and still did nothing about it. They not only took his chance to live longer away from him but they made his last days a living hell of fear, anxiety and humiliation. Because I didn't know enough I didn't insist on things I should have so I live with a guilt that really doesn't belong to me but I can't escape it. His doctor did that to him and to me. I know that I am supposed to forgive but I just can't get past those things.

That last day he was awake and not confused. He even got angry when they kept questioning asking if he knew his name and where he was. Just the day before he had told them that he wouldn't take the Morphine because of the way it made him feel. So they didn't ask him instead they went behind our backs and told his son that he was dying and giving him morphine was the humane thing to do. They never asked Johnny because they knew what he would say. He refused to just give up and die so they took the choice away from him. Just that morning he had again refused to sign a DNR when pressured to do so. That is why they made sure that he was not monitored or his vital signs taken for several hours. That is why they denied he was in a coma when I kept asking. That is why they just kept giving him the morphine along with the maximum amount of Vicodin even when he complained of no pain or shortness of breath. They knew that having the oxygen set at it's highest would only make the acidosis worse and giving him those meds on top of it would kill him. They knew and did it anyway. How can I not believe that it was deliberate?

I am so sorry for unburdening myself here so much but there are days that I have to get it out or lose my mind thinking about it.

I want to thank Karen for putting our names in a heart on the beach at Ocean Shores. I know she is there today and I can picture that heart in my mind. That is such a beautiful beach and Johnny loved it there so much. I had dreamed of us walking that beach hand in hand and he had talked about us spreading a blanket and making love there. Just more of our dreams that never stood a chance. The last time I took him there it was a beautiful day. The nicest I had ever seen there. We stayed in the car because he was afraid that if he got out he would not be able to breathe.

So ladies bring on the jokes and laughter tonight. Help me remember the funny things in life and the ones I shared with my Johnny. I've shed so many tears writing this and now I need the laughter and silly things to help dry the tears. I don't want to be angry or sad any more. I have had that for 3 days now and it is time for a break. I know my Johnny would want that for me.

[Snowflake]

Lily,

So glad the prude is gone, you bring SO MUCH to the chat table...be it discussions on the merits of making love in the sand or on the moon or sharing "old goat" stories, you give as good as you get!

As for that sand idea, still ain't goin' for it... Have an anxiety over ALL those "romantic moments" shown on TV:

In the sand of a beach - I can't get sand out of my SHOES for a week, I SURELY don't want to have to deal with it "there"!

In a field of wildflowers - spiders/snakes (need I say more?)

In a barn full of hay on a rainy day - allergies

Backseat of a car - I drive a Grand Am and hubby is 6'3" - ain't happenin' unless I can fold him up!

Mile high club - hubby is a big guy, doesn't have room for him AND a deep breath in an airplane potty, let alone "tiny" me!

In the woods - might get lost/too many other hikers/bees/bears....LOTS for that one!

Elevator - RIGHT - most have camera surveillance...if I'm going to be a **Word not allowed** star, I want the movie rights! LOL

So, see you tonight then, might have some good material, will be doing home improvement until I can break away for chat (might be late)... Testosterone brings on the funniest phrases - and I'll be the only female in the house...

Hogs & quiches,

Becky