for those left behind...

[natalie]

...

[shirleyb]

Natalie,

I do understand what you mean. I am so sorry life is so hard for you right now. I know that losing your spouse is different than losing a parent or brother or child. Each is different because of the dynamics of the relationships. I have lost my father, and it hurt for the longest time, but the pain I feel in losing my husband is so different.

Live your life in honor of your mother. I am not saying to forget your father, but live in honor of your wonderful mother.

Now might be a good time to spend a little less time with him. You need to rebuild your strength and your love of life. Dad is not helping in that manner, so maybe it would be good to not have him coming over so much if he is so angry. He needs to find some other place to let that anger out. And taking it out on you is not the place.

I understand when people say they need a purpose in life. It is like having a mission to complete. Without your spouse, you are left to complete the mission alone and that is something I know I never planned on doing at this age. Plus it seems I don't know what my mission is right now. So I just do what I have to do to keep a roof over our heads, bills paid, and food on the table.

I wish you well. Take time for yourself, and gather that inner beauty you have. You have so much that is good in you.....don't let the bad apple spoil it for you.

May you have a day filled with sunshine and warmth. May God let you know how much you are loved now and always have been by your wonderful mom.

Much love and tender hugs my dear girl. You are the close to my daughter's age and I know how hard life can be without your champion in your corner.

Shirley

[betplace]

Natalie,

Your Dad is who he is, you can't change him, he can only change himself. Its not a contest as to who has the most grief, you are both grieving and it seems to be tearing you both apart.

You have other choices here: stop seeing him for a while so you can heal a little and regain your equilibrium, Keep him in your life but stop debating the issues with him, no sense having the same argument over and over, or continue allowing him to make you miserable, which gives him power over you and ruins your life.

Of course there are other choices as well, I'm just trying to point out that you are in control and can decide how much time you will give to your Dad and his making you miserable, and you have control over how you react to him, but you don't have control over him, what he says or what he does.

Maybe seeing someone for talk therapy will help? I don't know, but it can't be healthy for you where you are at now. ((((Natalie)))) I will be praying for you sweetie, do the best you can not to let him make you miserable.

Blessings

Betty

[stand4hope]

Natalie,

I can't add much to what Shirley and Betty said - their advice is really good. I would only add that your dad treats you the way he does because he can. He knows he can spill all that anger out on you and you'll still be there tomorrow. I think it's that way in a lot of families. We walk out the door and put on smiley faces for the world, but behind closed doors, our spouses, kids, close family are the ones that get to see our bad sides. That doesn't mean there's no love there, it's just a different comfort level. I'm not saying it's right. Your dad dumps on you because he can, or thinks he can. Like the others have said - put some distance between you and your dad if you can, it will help you feel better. My mother was an alcoholic and I couldn't stand to be around her when she was drinking and we usually got in an argument, so I just quit going to their house and being around her when I knew she would be drinking - problem solved!!!

Now, dry those tears and go buy some new summer clothes!

God bless you,

Peggy

[Andrea B.]

First, hugs to you Nat! I am going to give you a call, because I have more to say than I can probably put in a post.

Love your friend,

Andrea

[glo]

((((Natalie))))

This must be so very hard for you. I'm sure you realize some of your Dad's actions are contrary to his words. If he doesn't want to hear what you have to say, why does he come to your house so frequently.

I agree with many things the others have said to you. You need to put yourself and your husband at the top of your list right now.

I would say don't discourage your dad from coming over, but don't encourage him either, and maybe give a try to not discussing your mom and what she might want for either of you unless he brings it up. Just for now.

If he says he wants to focus on work, maybe that's as much as he can handle right now. Work is a great help to me in filling my time and distracting my thoughts.

Sounds like he's always been a controlling personality and now he has nobody to control. Talk to your mother about it in your head and imagine what she'd say if she were here.

One thing I know beyond a doubt is that even though you told your Mom you'd take care of your Dad, she would never want that to be at the expense of your own happiness. She just wants you to be good to each other -- she did also ask him to take care of you, ya know.

Sorry you're having one of those awful times -- yeah, sometimes it's worse later than at the beginning.

Hope you're feeling a little better now that you've vented and cried -- for me, usually once I've gotten over the lowest despair, I'm lucky enough to hit a high for a short while that carries me through until the next low.

Wishing you the best.

Gloria

[Andrea]

Nat,

I am soooooo glad you did not post this as a Guest. I personally WANT to know how you are feeling and I WANT you to vent. (I once said the same thing about Osama, I still am trying to figure this all out, why it effects some and not the rotten seeds).

First matters first, we already discussed this, you simply cannot be a witch no matter how hard you try. It just is not in your nature, your mom raised you too well, and you would have no friends b/c people are envious of you based upon your outter beauty (forget about inner). 5-9, blonde, thin, beautiful, handsome husband, you have to be nice or you will have to run for safety

It seems like your dad is lost and doesn't know what to do. I strongly believes he sees your mom in you, otherwise why would he be over so often? He probably has an overwhelming sense of helplessness and does not know what to do. Sometimes when someone is suffering from extreme grief, body chemicals get out of whack and then they say and act even worse than they are supposed to.

And you my dear sister, you are carrying this burden all alone. You want to fix the world and as an only child you feel a "burden" of wanting your dad to be ok and you are scared and angry and emotions are bound to get out of control. I honestly think this sounds so very normal and I could really envision the exact same scenario in my family.

I feel helpless for you too. I have no words of advice to give other than to say it sounds normal and hopefully it will get better with time (i know so cliche)

Has you dad continued to go to the support groups or has he stopped? It seems to me that at first you were in a state of shock and now you feel the effects. I heard that this is medically true--in college my hair was shedding and the dr asked if something stressful happened within the past 3-5 mo nths. I said yes, my grandmother passed away and I was devestated and apparently it is common for our bodies to delay physical reactions.

I am so sorry Natalie You are such an amazing person, I wish I knew why you were being put through all of this. How is Phil? Is he doing ok?