KC Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 I miss my father so very much. It hurts physcially. I feel almost paralyzed with grief sometimes. It's just so unfair. He was the most wonderful Dad in the world. He was right. The week before he died he kept saying that my daughter was going to get cheated. It really hit me hard tonight just how cheated she has gotten. She had the best Grandpa on earth and now he is gone and she will probably have no memory of him whatsoever. She will be 3 in July. He was her biggest fan and best friend. No one can ever replace him or the love he had for her, and she will never get to feel it and it is just so very unfair and I am very very angry. I hate cancer. I hate that my father did everything right in life and got cheated out of his last 20+ years and I hate the fact that I have no father and my daughter has no father or grandfather and basically I just hate everything right now. I'm sorry for venting. I'm not even saying all that I feel, because there is no way that I could put it all down on paper. I can barely form a coherent sentence. I just need to get some of this out and I have no one to talk to, no one who really understands. I mean, wasn't it just yesterday that I brought my Dad into the emergency room and sat there with him trying to get a hold on the pain he was having. I remember that day vividly. I remember the moment he finally got some pain relief after suffering for almost 2 weeks. I was just there with him and now he's gone. I bought the plot next to him in the cemetary. I don't want him laying there by himself. Both our names will be on the same headstone. My brother and I went to order it last week. On the headstone, on his side I am having engraved a quote from St. Francis de Sales. "There is nothing so strong as gentleness, and nothing so gentle as real strength." That pretty much describes my father. He didn't deserve this, no one does. Thank you for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TeeTaa Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 Oh, KC. I have no clue what to say. Just know that I'm hurting right along with you after having read your post, and I hope that tomorrow brings you more peace. And yes, I am angry right along with you as well. But for tonight, go hug that beautiful little girl of yours and tell her every day how special her Grandpa was and how proud he'd be of her, and his memory will live on. All of you deserve for that to happen. Blessings, TeeTaa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KC Posted April 20, 2004 Author Share Posted April 20, 2004 Thank you TeeTaa. I make sure I tell my daughter every day that Grandpa told me to give her a big kiss for him and then I do. And I sing songs with her that he used to sing and I do make sure I mention him every day to her. It just hurts so much. I miss him so much. My father gave me everything I have. He is the only man in this world who ever really loved me, unconditionally. He was my rock and he made me feel safe and secure, knowing I always had him and his love to count on in this world. And now that is gone and I'm lost and afraid. And I feel like a big 40-year old baby. I just want all these horrible memories to leave me forever and I know they never will. Silly me, I thought I could save him. I thought I was in control of the cancer and everything. I thought he was going to be one of the miracle stories. He was supposed to be. I believed that until the last minute, but we didn't get our miracle. I'm sorry for ranting. I know there are many others who have it worse than I do. I have to try and remember that when I am feeling this way. I do truly appreciate your kind words. I'm hoping for a better day tomorrow. I'm having a hard time getting out of bed in the mornings. I need to be ok for my daughter, I know that. Thank you again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 You're not a big baby. You're human. And you've been humbled by the knowledge that niether you nor your Dad could "fix" his situation. Your daughter WILL remember him, if ony through the expression of your own memories, which is almost as good as the real thing. I say this from experience, cause even though I lost my father when I was nine and don't have a lot of personal memories (at least not "healthy" ones, cause he was sick a long time), my family has filled in the blanks. And interestingly, my daughters, who are only four and six, and the other eight grandkids, none of whom had the chance to know Daddy, frequently talk about "Grandpa Dozier." A casual listener would certainly never guess that we lost him almost 30 years ago. If you haven't already, you might want to read Norme's post about how her husband has been "helping out" his grandkids. I think it'll bring you comfort to realize that your baby's Grandpa is still right there with you both, and he'll surely help her out also. And I hope he helps to bring you a good night's sleep and a less painful tomorrow. Blessings, TeeTaa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 If I could reach out and hug you I would. You are the same age as my daughter and it breaks my heart that you have to go through this. It breaks my heart that any of us have to go through this. The pain that you are feeling now is because the shock is wearing off. It takes a while for us to feel the full effects of having our heart torn out. Like you I looked for a miracle up until the last minute. I had asked God for help and thought that he had answered my prayer. I was very angry at God for a while because I thought my faith had betrayed me. Then one day I realized that no matter how much it hurts or how unfair it seems that God did answer my prayer but his answer was "No". I can't pretend to know the reasons that God chose to take your dad or my Johnny or any of the people who die of cancer. I just have to have enough Faith to know that he did what was best to fill his plans for us. None of that makes the pain any less especially when it finally hits you that this nightmare is real and not one that you will wake up from. I will say that your dad is still with you. Every time you look at your little girl you remember him. Right now those memories only tell you that he is gone but someday they will remind you of who he was and you will remember him as alive and happy. It takes a long time for that to happen but once it does it will happen again and again. Johnny had a very hard time talking about his loved ones who have died. I used to tell him that he spent so much time remembering their death that he forgot about their life. I find myself doing the same thing that I accused him of. Let me tell you something else. People will tell you that anger is not good for you but you will find that the anger is all that can help you cope at times. Use it when you need it but don't forget to use the love that your dad left you with to reach out to him still for life does end in one way but it goes on forever. Love is life and you love him so he lives. You are the one now who needs to figure out how to live. He no longer has that problem for his spirit is free instead of tied to a body that he didn't need any more. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shelliemacs Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 your right its unfair, its awful and why can't you wake from this nightmare. I dont have those answers, but I do know you have over 1000 friends willing to help you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karen335 Posted April 20, 2004 Share Posted April 20, 2004 KC, My heart goes out to you. This is an unfair disease and we need a cure for it. It is robbing so many people of our loved ones, especially our children and grandchildren. We just need to believe and God will find a cure for us. I really believe that and just keep our faith strong... In my prayers always. God Bless and gentle hugs, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KC Posted April 20, 2004 Author Share Posted April 20, 2004 Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and caring. You are all so very kind and wonderful people. I know I am unable to offer much support to anyone at this time, but I hope to be able to someday, soon...and when the day comes, I will be here cheering you all on as well. But, do know that you are all in my prayers daily as we fight for a cure together. My father didn't speak much about after he wasn't here anymore, but the one thing he did stress was to make sure that my daughter was happy. He said that he already lived his life and that I need to make sure she is happy and has a good life. So for that reason alone, and it is a VERY big reason, I will fight on to overcome this depression I am in. I feel it sucking the life out of me and if it sucks the life out of me, what will be left for my daughter? God bless us all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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