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My recinded suicide note.


shelliemacs

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I was not on the board yesturday. I was preparing for my own suicide.

Tuesday night I got a call from the emergency room that my husband had been brought in. He had passed out at work. The dr's examined him and came to the conclusion that he had a Brain Tumor. They were going to confirm it with a ct scan wednesday. I was sure that there was no need for me to go on. God must have really hated me to do this to me a third time. (mom, dad now husband) so I had planned my checking out and as soon as it was confirmed I was enabling my plan.

we had the ct scan wednesday at noon and they told us we would know for sure in a few hours. Time stands still at that point and mearly by watching the clock the hands stop moving. i didn't know i had that type of power but apparently I do.

at 4pm the told us the results were in but our dr. went home. I pulled a shirley mcclaine in terms of endearment and demanded another dr. I didn't care if he was a friggin foot dr. came in a tell me if my husband had a brain tumor.

a dr. came in about 30 minutes later and said there was NO tumor, so were at square one about whats wrong with him, but no brain tumor is good. I told my husband of my check out plan late last night. he didn't know how to respond but said he prayed very hard and begged god to not let this happen to us again.

so I guess I am close to the edge, closer than I thought I was but I am still here and still fighting.

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Shelly,

Get some help. You NEED it. Suicidal thoughts and "plans" are NOT a good sign. No one wants to see you check out, PLEASE find a way to "fix" what's going on upstairs right now. The stress seems to have knocked something way out of kilter...

Promise? Promise that by the end of the week (TOMORROW) you will have made an appointment with AT LEAST your GP to discuss this? Please, Shelly?

Don't MAKE me get Ry on here, she still has a shoe left after beating OKDebi with the other...

We love you here, but you need some real help where you are. I hope you take that step.

xxoo,

Becky

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Shelley, I know that you have been going through alot. And I am so sorry. Just when you think things can't get any worse, with your mom and then your dad-you get hit with your husband, I am so glad that there was no brain tumor, but I am more glad that you came here and opened up to us about the state that you are in. All I can say is that I hope that you will go and talk to a professional about how you are feeling and all that you are burdened with right now. You see, we never know what life will hit us with, and I am afraid that you will decide that it is all too much and make that one final decision.

I can sit here and tell you until I am blue in the face that suicide is a permanant answer to a temporary problem-but I know that living without your mother and possibly your father are also permanant-however-I must say that you are more than that. Your purpose here is more than the loss that you have suffered and any loss that you may one day suffer. I have a dear friend whose son died a year before my dad did. Her son was buried the day before his 10th birthday. It was the saddest thing I had ever experienced. And I am amazed at the fact that my dear friend has been able to, somehow, live through this, and she is STILL living through it, and will be living through it for the rest of her life. And you will, too. But you CAN do it, Shellie, just not alone...

You feel things very deeply, and your loved ones are so lucky to have someone that loves so completly in their lives. But, unfortunatly, that makes you vunerable to feeling helpless and defeated. but you are not. Shellie, it takes a strong person to love as much as you do. Do you realize that. People that close themselves off are weak, because they live in fear of being disappointed, or hurt. But YOU, YOU Shellie give your heart-you gave it to your beloved Mom, your dad and your husband, and even to us-a bunch of STRANGERS, and you do it because you have the strength to love and to be loved. I am sorry that your mom died, so very sorry. I know that you miss her. But shellie, she gave you your life, yeah, people could say that God gaveyou life, but I'm going to leave God out of this. Your Mother gave you life, she wanted you in this world. You are a part of her, you keep her alive. I hope that you see that. Please, Shelley, please talk to someone. You are an amazing person and if you were to harm yourself, than the bad guys win-the cancer, the evil-for the world to loose such a caring human being would be a tragedy. I know that it helps me get through my day knowing that you are here and that you care-it helps me when I am thinking of my dad and I get sad. It helps because YOU and the people on this board are the ONE POSITIVE THING that has come out of my father getting sick and dying!!!! And I hold on tight to that EVERY DAY! What happened, happened. I cannot control it, but I CAN control how I handle it. And I CAN control the fact that I can see the good in what is an awful situation. I lost my dad, but I have gained HUNDREDS OF FRIENDS! Dad was destined to dye of lung cancer, that fact can't be changed...but the fact that I found this place and these people, I must not neglect to see that there is no way I would have been able to get through my fathers death if it weren't for YOU and the amazing family that I have on this message board.

I don't know what more to say, Shellie...Just know that you are so loved here, and you don't have to get through anything in life alone...please know that...please let us know how you are doing and what more we can do to help. Love, Deb

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Can't say anything better than Debaroo. I do have another shoe and I will beat you severly about the head and shoulders if you do not get to Sandy S's post and join us in the bar right now!!! If anyone needs a drink you do (all you AA members please don't write me it's a joke!).

Ry

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I just wanted everyone to know that I spoke with Shellie this morning. She says she is doing better today. This is not an answer to anything and I've let her know how we are all here for her. And how many of us are worried about her. Her husband is still in hospital, no answers, but she has a different perspective today- A better one, I believe.

Pray for them both.

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Shelley,

Debaroo gave a very good answer.

You still have too much to live for, to give up.

You got knocked down too many times in a row,

but last night you had good news, no brain tumor

for your husband. The doctor was ashamed about

scaring you with his erronous dx, that why he left

without telling you the good news.

You should get mad at him not at life that keeps sending

you bad news.

Very often things are happening only as a warning to us,

now it is the time for you to see about some counselling

or help with all that is happening to you in so short a time,

and also for your husband to get a complete check up now.

Hang on, we need you so much, so your father and husband.

J.C.

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Shelley,

Sometimes it comes in droves doesn't it? I can certainly identify, partially. I have three men in my life, and all three are trying to poop out on me, but I'm trying to do everything I know to keep them around for many more years. Hubby is, of course, the one with cancer, dad has been in the hosp. for almost 3 months on life support with severe COPD and my son, only 27, is literally falling apart. I had him at ER all night Monday night with severe chest pain, shortness of breath, and a heart beat that was racing like he'd run a marathon. They want him on a heart monitor. When it does come in droves, it can really beat you down for a while, but it's the gettin' back up that matters.

God has you here for a reason or many reasons - one of those was the way you recently helped "scaredofresults". To me, your post to her was absolutely magnificent. It is what I would almost call "getting in her face", but you are sooooo qualified to do that and you did it with such grace and charm and compassion and understanding. Only someone who has been there could have done that and pulled it off. Ahhh, but there's more - you never know the depths to which your words can affect someone else. Someone on the same post sent me a PM and said she missed your words the first time, but when I quoted them, they jumped off the screen and smacked her right where she needed to be smacked. Wow! You are some lady. I'm so glad to hear you're feeling better today- and besides, I would miss those funny little guys you put on your Avatar. Oh, and you can forget about Ry's wimpy little shoe. My husband has motorcyle boots, and he's 6'2" with big feet. OUCH!

Seriously,

God bless you!!! and keep on hangin' on that rope you told scaredofresults about.

Peggy

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Dear Shellie,

I agree with Becky, please try and get help...You are reaching out to us, now you need to reach out to someone medically..Please please call someone today and read Debs post again her words are very powerful.. ((((((((SHELLIE)))))))))

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From one who's been there.

Shelly,

The folks that have posted before me have said some really good things. Hopefully they will have made a difference. But having faced suicidal thoughts WITH a plan myself I know that sometimes words don't mean a thing. It is time NOW, not tomorrow, not next week, to get someone involved who can help you through all this. NOW, while you still feel you have choices. I've been to that point where there seemed to be no other option. Where all I wanted was for the pain to STOP. I KNOW what that feels like. When it get's to that point it could be too late. I was lucky, many others were not. Get the help you need to see you through. It's there, and so are we. There ARE other options, other choices and sometimes all we need is someone who knows what the heck they are doing to show us that.

A note about God: I don't know about your God ... but mine is big enough to handle anything that comes down the pike. And He is incapable of hating. I may not know the reason I"m going through what I'm going through at the time, but I've been through enough to know there IS a reason and it has NOTHING to do with God hating me.

Praying every day for you, your Dad, and your husband.

Dean

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Shelly,

It sure seems like you are being tested. I just can't believe that you have to go through all of this. I think you need a punching bag. My husband gave me one for Christmas and it really helps get my frustrations and anger out.

What kind of tests are they doing on your husband now? My husband passed out a few years back. We were in the movie theaters and he had gone to the restroom. Luckily one of his friends went with him, but his friend came into the theater after me and told me my husband had passed and was unconcious on the floor. He went to the doctors and they thought it could have been his heart. We had tests done and he was fine. It was just a fluke thing. I hope the same for you.

Shelly, I'm so sorry things have been so difficult for you. There just is no explanation for it. It just doesn't seem fair that you would have to go through so much, but we are here for you and praying for you. I'm glad that you post what you are feeling on this board. You shouldn't have to go through this alone.

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Shelly,

You almost did, but you didn't. That tells me you have inner resources beyond what you know you have.

You will feel so much better if you can reach out and dump this in someone else's lap... a mental health professional will take care of you, prescribe something to help, reassure you that you're going through enough tribulation to make a saint want out, and that it's okay to feel bad.

The ladies here (and dean carl) have given you good advice.

You are loved and treasured here far beyond what you have actually recognized, or allowed yourself to see. Believe it. It is true.

I am so very sorry that yet one more medical problem has visited your family. Of course you and yours will be in my prayers.

Just take one day at a time. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

I would, at night, give my cares literally over to God -- in the guise of the Blessed Virgin Mary (I grew up RC). I would visualize laying my head in her lap, and leaving her my worries to take care of. And then I'd say the hail mary over and over again until it put me to sleep. I used that when I was really scared. It helped enor mously.

Take care of yourself, and call in the cavalry if need be. You are only one human being.

XOXOXOX

MaryAnn

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Shellie, I just want to add my thoughts here. You reached out to 1050+ strangers here ( I use this term loosely). We are here to help you if you need us. That is what makes this board so special. There is enough love and care here to go around for all of us and then some left for the guests that want to brouse.

God never puts more on us then we can handle. You are here for a reason. You are on the board for a reason. Look at the way you handled SCAREDOFRESULTS. That was professional my friend. I feel you made a difference in her life.

As the others have said...get help. We need you here. Will be praying for you. Bruce

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Guest bean_si (Not Active)

Shellie, I know what it's like to feel suicidal and to wonder why Fate or God doesn't choose someone else instead of hitting one person again and again. I even researched methods of suicide. None of them are good. It's hard to kill yourself but easy to maim yourself or leave yourself in a veggie coma.

I then came to the conclusion that I didn't want to die, I just wanted to stop hurting. Please God, just stop the hurt.

If you have feelings of suicide, they are not going to go away with good news about your husband. They are not going to go away. You too are in need. Please give yourself a little of the love that you have shown to so many others and see a therapist, a minister, whatever - someone who does NOT know you, who you can be totally honest with.

Shellie, you've suffered enough. Reach out and let someone help you now.

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Shellie

My heart goes out to you. I do think that you are facing things that hardly anyone could face without a great deal of support, and you have lost so much of that support in the past years. Seeking professional help is not a sign of weakness, it can be a sign of strength, to know when something is larger than you can handle alone. Pls know that we care, but that we can't be there with you physically like we want to be. I will keep your husband and whole family in my thoughts and prayers.

Elaine

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Dear Shelly,

Oh how my heart aches for you. I lost my mom and I know I have had the thoughts of, "just take me too". But can't imagine in addition all the other heartache you have had to endure. Please please know you aren't alone. When I am feeling at my lowest someone will speak to me and their words touch my heart and then I feel like I can go on. You are having to endure more than anyone should ever have to, so please lean on us. I will be praying that everything is okay for your husband. Hugs and blessings to you.

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Shellie, please hang in there. You have so much to offer.

I often think that we are incapable of understanding how God views our problems, just as a baby cannot possibly understand a trip to the dr to be stripped, poked, prodded, and have sharp objects embedded in tender skin. Makes perfect sense to the parents, just like your pain must make sense to God.

You, your dad, and your husband are in my prayers.

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Shellie, I have no words of wisdom, just a deep concern for you. We lose our dear friends here too often from this horrible disease, please let us not lose you.

I agree with everyone else, that you have had unbelievable stress and you really do need someone impartial to talk to.

Stay the course, Shellie, there are a lot of people that need you.

Ginny

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Guest Phyllis

I hope you listen to the others on this board with all of their good advice. I tried to committ suicide probably 10 years ago or so. I remember how depressed I was and hopeless. That is a horrible feeling. It took me at least 5 years and a really good psychiatrist to finally realize how angry I was. I started crying one day in the car and all of the anger just seemed to ease out. I did not realize I was angry, but I had good reason to be. You have good reason to be angry to at God or fate or whatever. I am sooo sorry I put my daughter through all of that. I am now aware of when and what that feeling is with that big old dark hole right there. Hopefully, I will be aware enough to go get some help.

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Hi, Shelly, isn't it wonderful to have so many people who care about you? Do you feel all that love? I think you already decided to live, that is why you posted.

I will just share that I have felt pretty bad myself. There was a time about 15 years ago when I thought I had nothing left to lose, etc. ... and I really thought things through ... at that time I chose to go on living because even if life was no pleasure to me (at that time) perhaps I could make a difference for someone else. I could at least help someone. My losses then were real but my life was not over by a long shot. I learned to love my life again and so many good things have come I would have never dreamed could happen. Anyway, you just can't see the reasons sometimes but if you just keep on going, sometimes you see later on. At least hang around and see what happens. I learned to put it in God's hands, and he has done so much better than I did. Hope I don't sound too preachy, I am just sharing to hope that it will help.

I wish you the best possible.

Margaret

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Guest KellyB

Shellie...Hang tough....be tough Baby .You are going to be fine and so is your hubby, I know it. You have replied to my many posts with positive, helpful words of wisdom. You need them now. I would think the same way if I were in your shoes. Perhaps it is time for some help along the way with medication. It has done wonders for so many. Thank God it is available for us. You have endured too much already. Let it go and live your life one day, even one minute at a time. Praying and sending the very best of wishes....Kelly

PS Maryanne had wonderful advice, I may try it myself...let the burden rest in the Lord's lap tonite....... sleep well

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Shellie,

What advice would you give to a dear friend? Yes, you would have them seek help. Please do not think that seeking help means that you are weak or defected in anyway. Look in your telephone book for a local crisis hotline. Write that number down so you will have access to it in a crisis situation. Seek services through your local area mental health agency if you have one. Most will provide services to even those without insurance, or on a sliding scale. Talk to a friend or join a support group. I know you don't have much time, but you must make time for yourself. The life is being sucked out of you. Everbody is taking from you and leaving you with nothing for yourself. Don't feel guilty about taking time for yourself and giving yourself a much needed break. You are not super woman, nor can you fix everything. I doubt you would ever treat any one the way you treat yourself. Quit beating yourself up. If I can help, PM me. I may not have the answers for you, but am a pretty good listener!

Cheryl

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