Dollfan19 Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 I'm sorry to be writing this but I think I have to for all the caregivers out there really trying to make things happen. I know we were only married for a short time but I've known Jim for many years before we had a relationship. Everyone tells me how to deal with mourning and grief but it just doesn't seem to get any better. Tonight will mark 3 weeks that my bestest friend has left me. People tell me he is in a better place but I do know better. He is not in a better place reagrdless of his religous beliefs. He didn't want to die and NEVER acknowledged it, EVER. While he was passing, he was telling someone in his head NO. He was verbal. I am having such a hard time with this, no one can imagine. I read peoples messages on here and think....my husband only lived 5 months from beginning to end, they should be thankful. I am thankful for every day that I am here no matter how miserable I am, and trust me I am. I am young and was once happy, and now feel very empty. I don't feel like the emptiness will ever get better but may go away for part of the day. I want my husband back however way I can have him. I know this is selfish but oh so true. We were young, just found the life we were waiting for and it was all taken away so quick. I am tired and just can't rest, I'm still so much in love. For all the caregivers out there that might read this....please take every day you have with your loved one as the last because you never know when the time will come....and time is your best friend. Cherish every minute you have. Abby Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betplace Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 (((Abby))) I am sooo sorry your Jim lost his fight and left you all alone. 3 weeks, 3 years, a life time, you will always miss him, take your time and work through your grief, give yourself the time you need to properly mourn him, life will go on, but it will be different. We are here for you when you need us! Blessings Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fay A. Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 I'm sorry, Abby. So very sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
berisa Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 I am so sorry. No one deserves this. I hate cancer. I hate mankind is born to love. I hate our love ones have to die. I hate I can't control this. I hate the feeling of being lost. I hate all these things. As a caregiver, this is really unbearable to see them suffered and passed away. This is the most terrible thing in this world. No matter what, just look forward and one day, you will find yourself again, I believe. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JimW Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Abby, I have similar feelings. My wife Ada fought LC for over two years. They were tough years for her - several surgeries, multiple chemo combinations, radiation, etc. - we researched doctors and treatments together. We traveled from Georgia to Pittsburgh and then to Nashville. I look back and I feel bad that she had to go through that. But as bad as it was, I cherish those times together and would love to still be fighting this desease with her. She would tell me that even though she had cancer, that no matter what happens these were most happy years of her life. It was because we together constantly for those years and months. It has been 7 months since I lost her and I often think how much I would like to still be be going with her to chemo or CT scans, or whatever - just so we could be together again. I know that I will never really get over this loss - I will always have sad moments when I think of how hard she fought and moment of realization when she new she wasn't going to beat the cancer. But it will get better- I notice that there seems to be more time in between the sad moments. I assume that that will continue. I don't mean to ramble - I don't post often. My wife was very active on the board - I was mostly an observer here. But reading your post got me started for some reason. Good luck to you - what you are feeling must be very normal. Everyone deals with this in different ways - so none can tell you exactly how to grieve or how to recover. I just know you will. Jim Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Dear Sweet Abby, I have come back to your post now at least three times and left three times because just saying I'm sorry just didn't seem to be enough. You know, Abby, I do believe that your precious Jim is in a better place. I have to hold onto that belief, otherwise, I don't know if I could ever even face my own death. I will have to say to you, though, that when our little baby infant boy died, I was grief stricken, but I remember crying my eyes out to my husband and saying that I was going to scream if one more person told me our little baby John was in a better place, or that he was with God, etc., etc. I KNEW he was with God, I KNEW he was in a better place, but at that point, my baby's comfort wasn't the problem. The problem was I wanted him to be with me, not with God. I wanted him in my arms. I wanted to kiss all over him, tickle him and be his Mommy. All I needed was for people to just be there for ME, to hug me, hold me, and let me just bawl my head off in their arms, but instead all they did was tell me how much better off he was because he was in a better place. I just HATED that. Again, I am a devout Christian woman. I pray, I believe, Jesus is my Savior, and I wanted my baby to be with Him. But just because he was there, it didn't make my hurt go away. I think your pain right now is excruciating, and I want you to know that I am hugging you right now as securely as I can do in my imagination, and it's ok to just cry your eyes out. May God bless you and comfort you, Abby. Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tess Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 If you believe in God at all, believe in his promises. YOU will be with your husband again someday in heaven. (if you believe) We don't understand why things happen the way they do, but someday we will. Time will help heal your broken heart. Your husband is still here with you too. Just believe it! He wants you to go on and be happy again. We all have to die, we don't have any control over when or why. My husband is getting worse each day. I know it will happen some day... but I really do know he will have no more pain or sorrow, and I really want that for him. He is suffering here, so I can't be selfish and want him to stay here with me. I know my heart will be broken too. God will decide when to take him (and all of us) and all we can to is learn to accept it and go on. You will go on, you might not think so now, but you will. I am so sorry that you are so greif stricken. May God comfort you in your time of need. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerbil runner Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Abby, I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm not sure if I understand correctly, but...Jim's feelings of not wanting to go, not wanting to die, don't mean he can't be happy afterwards. There are stages of dealing with death. Anger and denial are part of that. Generally, we only hear about those who have worked through to acceptance before passing, but it sounds like Jim was not allowed time to reach that point. If we could interview the "souls" who have already passed, we might find many more who admit to fighting to the very end, never accepting what was happening. I don't believe resisting death has any effect on how we experience Heaven. However, I can only imagine how much more difficult it is for you to come to terms with Jim's death. And it's only been 3 weeks! Be kind to yourself, and expect grief to take time to become manageable. God forgives our doubts, fears, insecurity, and anger. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glo Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Abby, At three weeks the pain is indeed excruiating. We do not get over it, but it does eventually get a little easier to bear. No matter what you believe or don't believe; no matter what Jim believed or didn't, there is no going back -- there is only getting through it. Every individual must find their own way. If there is anything I can do to help you, please feel free to pm me. It has been almost 8 months since my husband died. We had only about two weeks from his diagnosis until he entered the hospital unable to walk and about three more weeks until his death. The whole experience was traumatic beyond belief. This message board does help me because here many people understand what we have been through. Please stay and perhaps your experiences can help someone else who is just beginning on the painful path you and your husband walked. Hugs and best wishes to you in your sorrow. Gloria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karen335 Posted April 23, 2004 Share Posted April 23, 2004 Abby, I am so sorry you had to loose your husband . This disease is not fair and I pray every day that a cure will be found. My heart goes out to you and as you cry, I cry too. I pray that the pain in your heart will soften soon and you will find peace... In my prayers. Blessings and hugs, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IIIp0 Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 [[[[[[[[[[[[[Abby]]]]]]]]]]]] - Dearest Abby -- I am so so profoundly sorry for your most terrible loss. And I can feel your anger of being cheated in love with your Jim. There are no words to ease the painful walk you must make Abby, but I do so pray that Your Higher Power will lavish you with a strength and an insight so strong, that you can help people like myself, and maybe others here too - who have not yet walked in your shoes..... And who are feeling some of the same fears that you must be too. I believe that you were given an insurmountable volume of love Abby, to be used for others for so long as you live. Maybe that is what Jim saw in you? This volume of love. I am so grateful that you have shown ME what to do with my love now, and when my own husband passes from this terrible terrible disease Abby. I hope you will be there for me, to show ME how to walk through this vacuum of pain. And some day Abby, your pain will subside and be replaced with a special strength that I believe God gives us. And for YOU, that strength is called Jim~~~ He will always be with you Abby..... but you know that. Big Hugs to you my friend Beth ========================== Husband diag. 12/3 w/SCLC, Stage 4 mets to liver, bones 13 rounds of Taxol/carbo; had to stop because of low platelets and Neuropathy. Went to start CPT-11 today but platelets still tooo low~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted April 24, 2004 Share Posted April 24, 2004 Beth, That was just wonderful what you said to Abby. I hope she is following this thread and knows that we all really do care. I just loved the words you said to her - they were just beautiful. I think I have read it now at least four times. God loves you, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melinda Posted April 29, 2004 Share Posted April 29, 2004 Abby, I wish that I had words that would provide insight and/or solace. Unfortunately, I am afriad that I have neither. Nonetheless, I feel compelled to respond to your post, albeit in a clumsy manner. Ada's husband, Jim W's words seemed to reflect both your own and echo a post that curtisg (Beckyg's husband) posted recently that also made me just cry and curl up in a fetal position: "I remember reading one of the posts a couple of weeks ago. It was bad news, either the cancer had spread or remission had ended, and my first emotion was one of jealousy. I so miss getting news from the oncologist. What I wouldn't trade, even for some bad news right now. Then I immediately felt guilty, of course. But in some ways, my life is more relaxed now. I am not running oxygen tanks back and forth to Becky's office. I am not having to go to the pharmacy. Most of all, I do not see Becky hurting all the time. There were good days and bad days down the stretch, but I don't think Becky really felt good since early December, and watching her hurt was just terrible. I didn't realize the drain on me until it was gone. Though I would give anything to have it back. " I hope you don't mind my quoting you, curtis. Beckyg, like Ada and your Jim, Abby, certainly did not want to die. And sure as heck, they did not want to leave their loved ones. But they DID all love YOU--and love LIFE. That's a large part of what made them such wonderful people. Even in the face of such adversity, they were the kind of people that we all admire and wish we could be more like. They demonstrated--simply through the way they lived their lives--the better side of humanity. Please try to some comfort in the fact that you and Jim had the wonderful time you spent together--so many people live long lives, but ones that are far less happy. Living in New York City, I see so many people who live their ENTIRE lives crowded among other people, but yet completely alone. Abby, I cannot fathom what you are feeling right now (as I have not been through it)--but I can tell just from how you describe the relationship that you had with Jim that even though he is no longer with you (and regardless of your religious beliefs)--that you are not alone. Part of him will ALWAYS be with you. That is the lasting gift that you gave to each other. My thoughts are with you during this truly difficult time. Melinda Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 I have been feeling many if the same things recently. Thanks to Melinda, I do not need to repeat much. At a family reunion a couple of years ago, my favorite aunt described going to a wake by saying, "I'm sorry and I'll eat your pie." I have a new appreciation for that since Becky died. I don't want theological assurances; I hope Becky is in a better place too, but your hoping that doesn't make me feel any better. I don't want to hear that the pain will subside. Right now that feels like a betrayal. That pain is how I can preserve my communion with her. Does letting the pain ease mean losing her in another way? Right now I feel safer with the pain. I don't want advice. I have a greater clarity and purpose now than ever before. My dad in particular is full of advice, and it is all crap. Fortunately enough time has passed that we can just talk about the Spurs. He means well. but he pisses me off with all of the proclamations. What I do want is to feel a little less alone. I am alone in ways completely new to me. I have checks for the first time with just my name on them. I am buying a house. And while I had friends go with me to look at them, that was my decision. Just I have the responsibility of determining and enforcing what is best for Katie. So I know I am alone. But I could use some friends to come by and express their sorrow and have some pie. Now being served are pecan, strawberry rhubarb, and coconut cream, all kinds that I love that Becky didn't like. And also a chocolate one to remember her with. But somebody else better eat that one, lest it go to waste. Man, I hope that none of my family is browsing on this site. Not only did I admit to a favortie aunt, but bitched about my dad too. Anyway, I have three finals in the next three days - linear statistical models tomorrow - so I had better get bacvk to the books. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
betplace Posted May 3, 2004 Share Posted May 3, 2004 Oh curtisg, You are so human ! ((((curtis)))) (((Abbey))) I see you need a hug too! Blessings Betty Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lea Posted May 4, 2004 Share Posted May 4, 2004 Abby, I am sorry for your loss and words cannot express what I am feeling. Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JoniRobertWilson Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 Abby, Thanks for sharing your pain with us. I know that sounds stupid to say thanks but sometimes we do need to remember we're lucky to still be in the fight. When my husband was first diagnosed, my first thought was he was just going to die right then and there. Then I realized we had a chance to fight this. I am grateful for each day - whether he's up and around or sleeping off his chemo. I don't have words of wisdom on dealing with your husbands death, I just don't. I am not equipped. Please know however that we share your pain because we experience it on some level ourselves. I've had to turn over a lot of my pain regarding my husband's dx to God. I pray multiple times each day and that brings me comfort. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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