Pam Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Today is six months since the day my dad passed away. It doesn't seem real.....and yet it seems like this pain has gone on forever. I feel like our lives are a haze - just get up - go to work - come home - chase after two kids - fall into bed - etc....there is no light in our world, it feels positively grey.....we just don't know what to do without him. Every time we look at the grave, I can't believe we are visiting my dad OUT THERE....I feel positively drained. I miss him, I ache for him, I sob his name over and over.....I'm so so sorry daddy, I'm so sorry this happened to you.... My mom has had health problems develop, severely high blood pressure, is on all kinds of freaky meds, and now I found out I have heart valve disease, (all valves are leaking) and I swear the world is crashing in on us all. I don't know what reality is anymore. I feel like I am on auto pilot.... I don't post much, since I don't feel that I have anything positive to help anyone with, but I do read up on the posts a couple times a week, and I think of you all each day. Just wanted you all to know, I still care about all of you, I still worry and pray for everyone, I just don't seem to have anything left to give anyone, so I don't want to post something that is not positive and helpful. Thanks for listening to my rambling crazy thoughts!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Dear Pam, I was so sad reading your post. I lost my Dad many years ago to a fatal heart attack. He was age 46. I was 2 weeks from graduating high school. That was in 1972!! I still feel the void but can accept it. Grief takes a long time to go through and now I face my brother also age 46 with LC stage 4 and It's different as this is a grief that is longlasting even though he has not left us here on Earth. Please dont think you have nothing to give any of us as just us being able to help you is giving us something. Please take care of your own health, continue to work (and it is work as you know) through your grief, be there for your Mom and Let US be here for you!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Pam, You and your family are in my prayers. I know what you mean about the pain and sadness that still is there. I wonder some days if it will ever go away. When my father died, it took me a good two years before I felt like I could talk about him and not cry. I still miss him to this day. I just know that he and Randy are together and that does give me some comfort but it doesn't ease the missing of seeing their smiling faces. Take care of yourself. Love, Shirleyb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
J.C. Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Pam, So sorry for you and your mon. Often the loss of a love one affect out health more than we think and it is only at that time we realize that physical and mental health are so close together. Grief is responsible for a lot, so take care of yourself and your mother Will PM you. Love J.C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Oh Pam, I know that feeling, I keep waiting and waiting everyday for it to go away or at least subside..Last month was really bad for some reason cant explain it, the hurt was overwhelming and many times I thought maybe if I stayed away from the boards I could begin to heal, maybe its too much of a reminder of their pain and suffering..I didnt have a whole lot to offer either and I felt bad..I would see our members getting support from others and thought its ok if I have nothing to say because others will... I feel a little better this week and feel like posting again, which to me feels so much better than not posting , so I have come to the conclusion that I need my LC family... I talked to a dear cousin the other day and she was telling me remember all the first after a loved one has passed are very hard.. First do not just mean birthdays, holidays, or special occasions..They can be the first signs of spring, the first winter storm, the first summer rainstorm, the first bbq, anything that is the first sinced they passed is going to hurt.. My mom is not doing very well either..I have been trying to talk her into joining some support group.. You know we cant take away their pain, just like no one can take away our pain..They had beautiful husbands who loved them and now they dont have that, I cant imagine that pain.. She also talks about being tired all the time.. I hate that LC has brought us here, especially this forum, but I am glad that we have each other.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gerbil runner Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Pam - I don't have much to offer, but I'll keep you and your mom in my prayers. Take care of yourself. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Don Wood Posted April 28, 2004 Share Posted April 28, 2004 Pam, so sorry things continue to be negative for you. I pray for a positive interlude for you. You definitely need to take care of yourself and get the ticker fixed. Don't neglect your own health. Don Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pam Posted April 30, 2004 Author Share Posted April 30, 2004 Thank you all so much for your support! I can't tell you how good it felt to read all your messages.....just hearing this gave me a lift, a much needed lift. I'd forgotten how good it feels to talk with people who understand, and you all truly understand. The people at work think I've lost my mind, so I don't share any feelings with them. They think I'm psychotic because I have cancer or my dad on my mind constantly. Thank you all so much - I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sharyn Posted May 2, 2004 Share Posted May 2, 2004 Pam - You must not feel like you can't post here... We don't care if you don't have anything positive to say right now.... thats why we are here... good times, bad times, happy and sad. PLEASE keep in touch and I pray that with each passing day, things will settle down a bit. Sounds like your whole family is probably getting hit with after effects of stress. You know, when someone is ill, we go into overdrive and move 100 mph - its not until after they have passed that we realize how much we have neglected ourselves. I am thinking of you... Love, Sharon Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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