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one month already


kimblanchard

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Today is a month after Becky died. Like so many have already said, it seems like a day ago and it seems like years ago, often at the same time. Katie and I are coping and grieving better than I would have thought. I have already sold the house here and bought a house in San Antonio, so the move will take place on May 22 unless something unforeseen happens.

Yesterday, I got checks in the mail for the new account I opened in San Antonio; for the first time since 1995, I had checks with just my name on them, and I didn't like it. And when I called last week to take Becky off the car insurance policy, my rates actually went up, since the benefit of losing a driver was less than the penalty for me being single now. It seems like most days have some aggravation like that. Moving just sucks. I am trying to get ready for finals next week and trying to do some packing everyday, but then when Katie comes home from daycare, then it is all about her until she crashes, which is the way it should be.

I miss her terribly, of course, and what I miss the most is the sense of partnership. I miss knowing that there is no screwup so bad that Becky can't fix it. When we bought our house in Nac, my responsibility was basically to make sure that the ceiling fans and shower heads were high enough for me to tolerate, and trust that Becky would take care of the rest. I have a huge support network between Becky's colleagues, our families, and my classmates, but all of the decisions are mine, no longer ours, and it is scary. I am grateful that Beck and I talked through some of these things, so I know that in the big picture I am headed in the way she wanted.

I remember reading one of the posts a couple of weeks ago. It was bad news, either the cancer had spread or remission had ended, and my first emotion was one of jealousy. I so miss getting news from the oncologist. What I wouldn't trade, even for some bad news right now. Then I immediately felt guilty, of course.

But in some ways, my life is more relaxed now. I am not running oxygen tanks back and forth to Becky's office. I am not having to go to the pharmacy. Most of all, I do not see Becky hurting all the time. There were good days and bad days down the stretch, but I don't think Becky really felt good since early December, and watching her hurt was just terrible. I didn't realize the drain on me until it was gone. Though I would give anything to have it back.

Anyway, that is an update. My internet access will be spotty the next couple of weeks, so I often read but rarely take time to write. Once I am in SA, I will have DSL at home. Woo-hoo.

Curtis

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Dear Curtis,

I am so sorry your in such pain. I really miss not seeing Becky's posts on the board. It's just not RIGHT! My prayers are with both you and Precious Katie. There are no words I can say that will make any of this better for you. (((((((((((((((((((((CURTIS)))))))))))))))))))

Please know we are always here for you my friend!

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Dear Curtis,

Thank you for the update. Wow, moving, finals etc. - you are going to be busy. But busy is probably good for you and Katie right now.

Hope the move and the finals go well. Stay in touch and let us know how you both are doing. We want to see pictures of Katie as she grows.

Ginny

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Dear Curtis,

How eloquently you wrote how so many of us have felt. The days pass and I think staying busy redirects your attention. It sounds like you are doing that whether you want to or not.

Until recently, I never knew how organized Sam was and it has certainly been helpful in "taking care of business." Yet, there are times I have shouted and screamed at him for making be handle all this busy work. I would give anything to have him back dragging his fifty foot oxygen tubing around as I keep from tripping over it.

I think Sam and Becky are watching over us, guiding us and will help us get thru each day. Please take care and the best of luck to you.

May God Bless Us All.

Sam'swifeShirley

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Curtis,

I think of you and Katie quite often. It is amazing how fast you sold your home and found another. Perhaps Becky is still there making decisions with you. Your loss is enormous, and I myself feel an ache in my heart to see her posts. She was quite a lady!

Thinking of you both,

Cheryl

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Curtis - I hope you know how much your contact means to all of us. Becky was a big part of "us" and it is just comforting to hear how you and Katie are faring. It sounds like life is quite hectic for you and maybe thats a good thing for the time being. Please know you are still in our thoughts .... Love, Sharon

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Curtis...God bless you and that beautiful little girl. I can only imagine the pain in that little darlings' heart from missing her mama. My thoughts and prayers are continually with you!!!

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Curtis, thank you so much for keeping in touch. I wish there were more I could do for you and Katie. My heart is with you, and my thoughts and prayers. Take care of yourself and Katie, you're doing fine.

((((((((((Curtis and Katie))))))))))

Deb

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Curtis,

Thank you for keeping us in your lives.

We miss her too, but not like you and Katie do.

I feel your grief through your thoughts here, and I sympathize.

I am glad you are keeping busy, and on track.

You all had a good plan, and I'm happy you're sticking to it.

Please, let us know how Katie is doing with all the change.

It's so hard to know what the little ones are thinking and feeling.

My daughter Heidi was just 4 when she almost lost me.

I feel for you and Katie too.

Prayers, always.

XOXOX

MaryAnn

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