lilyjohn Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 I'm back and meaner than ever. Well I guess I should say fiesty as ever. I have been keeping my distance for a while because of a recent bout of depression. To help pick myself up I have been limiting my time on the board to one hour at night. I tend to get too envolved and too emotional especially when I am in one of my down times. As some of you know I have spent several months writing mine and Johnny's story. He had asked me to write it because he said we were one in a million. He thought that the story of our love and seperation and how we got back together would make a great story. Well I have been writing that story and unfortunatly there is much more to write about than he ever expected there to be. In general it has been good therapy for me. Not so when I got to the last weekend of his life and his death. In writing about those last days and minutes I relived every minute. It was even more painful than the aniversary of his death had been. I found myself right back to day one. I couldn't sleep or eat or concentrate on anything. That old feeling of having the world pulled out from under me and drifting in world with no foundation was back as bad as ever. I couldn't pull myself out and really didn't want to there for a while. I tried everything but nothing worked until I realized that fighting it was making it worse. I started to just give in and let my grief take over. That gave me a chance to shed more tears and deal with issues that I have tried to avoid(like my relationship with his kids). That went on for nearly two weeks letting myself go with it did help but I was not getting past the pain or able to do the things necesary to survive mentaly in tact. Once more a dream pulled me up by the straps and got me out of the pit. Ordinarily it would have been a very frightening dream. Not so this time because that dream gave me a message that I needed to learn. I have to be the person that Johnny loved. I can't do that by forgetting all of the things that he loved about me. He gave me a new life and a chance to live and do something that is not only dear to my heart but I believe important. That is fight that deadly attitude that we all know takes such a toll on those of us who have learned what it is like to live with lung cancer hanging over our lives. So I am up and I am ready. I will be leaving on my trip in less than two weeks. I'll spend nearly two weeks with various family members in the bay area and then on to Louisiana for my granddaughter's wedding and some quality time with my kids. I have every intention to be the person I know that I am and that Johnny knew and loved. If there is anyone who can't deal with that it is their problem not mine. If life gave me lemons to make lemonade then there had better be a hell of a lot of people ready to drink it or I will pour it down their throats! I have been reading and my heart aches for those of you in pain or who are not doing well right now. I am elated at all of the good news. I don't always post my prayers and support but I hope all of you know that is a given,never needing a reminder. So ladies get your humor ready because chat this week will not be dull if I have anything to say about it. Ok Snowflake we have to make up for Debi being gone. Let's not let Ry overcharge us for advice because it will be only her alone with Debi gone! So Ry be ready to get your ears burned. If Becky is up to it we should be able to find a fun subject to discuss! Oh yes Ry I will be looking for that pass on May 20th. Get your writing hand ready. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ry Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 Two against one is not fair!!! I think I will have to get my partner in crime (David A) to help back me up. Now you girls try to behave for the new people. Ok Lilly I will write you a pass. That will be ten bucks. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 "If life gave me lemons to make lemonade then there had better be a hell of a lot of people ready to drink it or I will pour it down their throats!" I think that is so hilarious. I think you will be a grand influence on a lot of people yet. Glad you are feeling better, when you come back maybe you can relate your adventures. Margaret in Iowa Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KC Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 Lily, You post made me so happy. I am so glad that you are feeling better and I love the new/old attitude! You keep it up girl and I'll have a glass of that lemonade any time!! Have a wonderful Mother's Day and a great trip! Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted May 9, 2004 Share Posted May 9, 2004 Lily, so glad you are back and ready to take on the world again. As for chat night, don't forget my virgin ears will be listening. . When will the book be ready for publication. I need to start saving to buy one..... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
glo Posted May 11, 2004 Share Posted May 11, 2004 Lily, So glad to see your post. I had noticed you weren't posting much recently. I started to ask if anyone had heard from you, but at that same moment noticed your name as "browsing this forum" so realized you were still around and decided to not intrude on your privacy, knowing you'd be back when you're ready. I don't have to be told what those down trips are like. And we have to climb back at our own speed. And boy do you sound ready. You go, girl. Enjoy your trip. Gloria Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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