paddy Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 Hi Everyone, I am back from my little break! I missed you all. I wanted to ask members of the "Wives club" if they had experienced anything like this, and if so how did they handle it. First I must explain that, before David's health started to go down, he had always kept himself very fit. He either never experienced "aches and pains", or at least, never complained about them. Now it is a little different, but he still refuses to discuss how he feels, and the less he knows about his case, the better he likes it. This of course makes things more difficult for me. When we visit the oncologist and Dave is asked how he has been feeling, (even though he has been feeling at deaths door,) he will say something like" Oh, not too bad"! Of course, then I have to step in and impart the real truth! Often I get looks from the Oncologist which clearly say "Butt out", however, if Dave doesn't speak up, what am I to do! A friend of mine told me that this happened with her husband too, and when she interjected, the doc. turned round to her and said, "I was speaking to your husband!" I know it's too late to fret over this now, but I feel if my Dave had listened to me and gone to the doctor when he started to feel ill in the first place he may have had a better chance of a cure anyway. Honestly, is it a "man thing, or am I generalizing here! Sorry to vent like this, but as you can tell I am very frustrated. I suggested that we might go for a second opinion but Dave won't hear of it and says he is satisfied with the treatment he has had so far. I am told this oncologist is one of the best in the country and so for now we are staying where we are. Thanks for your "listening ears", Love to all, Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ahhappy Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 Hi! I'm not a member of the Wives club-- but thought I might respond. Is Dave ok with you giving the Dr further info? If so, I say keep doing it. And if the Dr protests, tell him/her that if he's going to take "I'm feeling fine" as an answer and not question any further then you have no choice but to speak up. In my Mom's case, she's so tired of having peripheral problems that sometimes it's just easier to say "I'm fine" rather than have one more test or be sent to one more specialist. As long as Dave's ok with it, I say keep on persisting. Amy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Carolyn Flournoy Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 Paddy.... My husband Jim and the onc. have real serious talks together. They talk about hunting, sailing, skeet shooting all the real important stuff. We travel 155 miles one way to get to the doctors office. Jim feels so much better after they have their talks its worth it. This is the way he has chosen to deal with his illness. I call the next day if I have any questions or concerns. I think a lot of us wives have the same problem. Carolyn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 Paddy, I am not a member of the wives club either, but I use to go with my dad and mom to his appt.. and his doctors seemed ok most of the time when my mom or I budded in.. However I can remember a time or two getting one of those looks...Dont worry about it if your husband doesnt mind, let them give you all the looks they want.. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rosanne Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 I agree. If your husband doesn't mind keep it up. I can't believe some of these doctors. Don't they think that sometimes the patient who is going through "heck" may not be able to describe or remember everything. Do they think the caregivers are there just to talk and don't know what's going on?????? Fortunately our doctor never acted like this. He always answered my daughter's and my questions. Gianni was not much of a talker and he also never complained, so if he said he's ok how can the doctor treat him? Especially if you have mets to the brain like Gianni. I guess you got me going!!!!! Rosanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
norme Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 Paddy, I don't know if I would call it a man thing or not but i suppose so, or, maybe it is that he really doesn't want to know how he is really doing and feels better thinking things are going okay with just an ache here and there and that to him may be normal with age.... I know it takes two to remember all that happens between visits and what Buddy would forget to say, I would remember. Never had a prob with the drs regarding who spoke out.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 It seemed to me that the doctors started talking to me more at the end. If it feels right to you to say it --- please don't hesitate to say it. Don't ever have regrets over what you wished you would have butted in to say. I truly believe that there is a reason you feel you need to answer for your husband............I wish I could continue to do so for mine. Blessings to you, Peg Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Budd Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Paddy Chris was the exact same way. I do believe it's a guy thing His onc was great guy and a friend of our family dr's, so I never once had him looke weird at me. I went in with Chris on every visit to every doctor. When we met with the onc. he would shoot the breeze with Chris, ask him how he was doing, then turn to me and say, "OK Deb, how's he really doing?" And I would tell him everything while Chris just smiled. I had a list of questions "every" time we went, sometimes I had even printed info out from here and bring. One day I changed pocketbooks and left the list at home. He was horrified, just kidding, but told me to call him with the questions and I did when we got home, and he anwered everyone. We were blessed to have a wonderful onc. with great compassion and great sense of humor just like Chris. He came to Chris' wake and has called me twice now. But I do think it's a guy thing !! Debbie Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
stand4hope Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Paddy. I ditto everything you said, almost word for word, except the part about the doctors. My hubby has great doctors that I feel like I can talk to and do. I sent you a PM, actually two - the first one in response to yours, and the second one in response to this post. Hope to hear from you soon. Love, Peggy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Yep, Paddy, it is a guy thing. Earl has always been a head in the sand kind of guy when it came to problems - I am a crash the problem head on - and we are happily married. When you ask Earl how he feels he usually answers 'Pretty good'. There is no way he can feel pretty good and just sit or sleep. He never asks the dr. anything. He expects me (and I am glad ) to research, ask the questions, follow up on the answers etc. Our doctor pretty quickly figured out our style and works well with us. Earl offers the dr. no info but does answer his specific questions. I wonder if the 'husbands club' would say their wives are the same. Doubt it because I believe that women are the take charge, nurturers and have been forever. Ginny Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
paddy Posted May 17, 2004 Author Share Posted May 17, 2004 Thank You so much Amy, Carolyn, Cathy, Rosanne, Norme , Peg, Debbie, Peggy and Ginny. You made me feel vindicated and now I shall go to the next Onc. meeting with more power behind me!! Seriously though, you have helped me a great deal, and it is nice to know I am not the only one to be coping with this problem. Peggy my email is on it's way. Thank you so much, Love to you all, Paddy Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.