lilyjohn Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 At 2:21 am Thursday morning my long awaited trip begins. I will spend eleven days in the Bay Area visiting with my brother and various family members. I will also see Johnny's brother who is much improved but still suffers the brain damage from a heartattack in 1990. Johnny's niece Pam has been my rock sense Johnny's death. She has been there for me and was there for Johnny when no one else was. I am looking forward to spending some time with her as well. Then on to Louisiana for my granddaughter's wedding. I know that the wedding will be wonderfull and seeing all of my children and grandchildren is something that I really look forward to. Still I am uneasy. None of them knew Johnny and my daughter is the only one who has any real idea of how close mine and Johnny's relationship was, how special. I don't intend to force him down their throats but I will not act like he never existed either. So hopefully I won't be on pins and needles all of the time. I am also worried about my reaction to my brother. He has his own health problems and I do worry about him. The problem I have with him is that he never approved of mine and Johnny's relationship. He also has that attitude that we speak of so much. Just a few nights ago while on the phone he told me that I need to "get past this" after all I hadn't seen Johnny in over 40 years and I knew he had cancer so should have expected him to die. He has no idea that you don't just "get over" someone who is a part of you. Then that attitude. If I can't change it in him how can I ever expect to change it in anyone else? So you see my trip will not be without problems. I just hope that I have grown strong and smart enough to handle them well and not allinate anyone. I do dread leaving this place that I have grown to love so much. I know how much Johnny would love it here and I feel him close to me all of the time even when I don't get signs from him. Where else can you look out one window and see hummingbirds feeding and eagles flying at the same time? I can count on seeing a deer, jackrabbit or quail nearly everyday. Sometimes many times a day. Then there is the wind in the pine trees. You can listen as it makes it's way down the mountain side and sings it's song of pleasure. I can also leave my windows open and hear the sound of the creek as it makes it's way over the rocks heading down hill. All of those things combine to give me a sense of belonging that I have never felt other than when I was with my Johnny. I have so many of his things and the thought of leaving them behind for even a short time bothers me. Sense his death I have prayed to wake from this nightmare. Now I am afraid that I will wake up somewhere else and realize that living here is just a dream and I won't have this beautiful place or my Johnny. What a frightfull thought that is. I guess I am being paranoid thinking so many negative things but somehow life has not made me expect all of the best. So my dear friends I have learned to depend on your prayers and well wishes and ask for them again. I need someone to pray with me that I have the strength and courage to make this trip a good one and then return to this paradice that has given me what little peace that I can find. I will check the board and my email as often as I can while I am gone. There are so many of you that I will want to know what is going on with. You will all be in my prayers while I am gone as you are now. As always my prayer is to find a way to change that attitude and that soon lung cancer will not stike so many but if it does it will be as manageable as any other chronic disease. Bless and keep all of you well. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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