lilyjohn Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 At 2:21 am Thursday morning my long awaited trip begins. I will spend eleven days in the Bay Area visiting with my brother and various family members. I will also see Johnny's brother who is much improved but still suffers the brain damage from a heartattack in 1990. Johnny's niece Pam has been my rock sense Johnny's death. She has been there for me and was there for Johnny when no one else was. I am looking forward to spending some time with her as well. Then on to Louisiana for my granddaughter's wedding. I know that the wedding will be wonderfull and seeing all of my children and grandchildren is something that I really look forward to. Still I am uneasy. None of them knew Johnny and my daughter is the only one who has any real idea of how close mine and Johnny's relationship was, how special. I don't intend to force him down their throats but I will not act like he never existed either. So hopefully I won't be on pins and needles all of the time. I am also worried about my reaction to my brother. He has his own health problems and I do worry about him. The problem I have with him is that he never approved of mine and Johnny's relationship. He also has that attitude that we speak of so much. Just a few nights ago while on the phone he told me that I need to "get past this" after all I hadn't seen Johnny in over 40 years and I knew he had cancer so should have expected him to die. He has no idea that you don't just "get over" someone who is a part of you. Then that attitude. If I can't change it in him how can I ever expect to change it in anyone else? So you see my trip will not be without problems. I just hope that I have grown strong and smart enough to handle them well and not allinate anyone. I do dread leaving this place that I have grown to love so much. I know how much Johnny would love it here and I feel him close to me all of the time even when I don't get signs from him. Where else can you look out one window and see hummingbirds feeding and eagles flying at the same time? I can count on seeing a deer, jackrabbit or quail nearly everyday. Sometimes many times a day. Then there is the wind in the pine trees. You can listen as it makes it's way down the mountain side and sings it's song of pleasure. I can also leave my windows open and hear the sound of the creek as it makes it's way over the rocks heading down hill. All of those things combine to give me a sense of belonging that I have never felt other than when I was with my Johnny. I have so many of his things and the thought of leaving them behind for even a short time bothers me. Sense his death I have prayed to wake from this nightmare. Now I am afraid that I will wake up somewhere else and realize that living here is just a dream and I won't have this beautiful place or my Johnny. What a frightfull thought that is. I guess I am being paranoid thinking so many negative things but somehow life has not made me expect all of the best. So my dear friends I have learned to depend on your prayers and well wishes and ask for them again. I need someone to pray with me that I have the strength and courage to make this trip a good one and then return to this paradice that has given me what little peace that I can find. I will check the board and my email as often as I can while I am gone. There are so many of you that I will want to know what is going on with. You will all be in my prayers while I am gone as you are now. As always my prayer is to find a way to change that attitude and that soon lung cancer will not stike so many but if it does it will be as manageable as any other chronic disease. Bless and keep all of you well. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 I am also worried about my reaction to my brother. He has his own health problems and I do worry about him. The problem I have with him is that he never approved of mine and Johnny's relationship. He also has that attitude that we speak of so much. Just a few nights ago while on the phone he told me that I need to "get past this" after all I hadn't seen Johnny in over 40 years and I knew he had cancer so should have expected him to die. He has no idea that you don't just "get over" someone who is a part of you. Then that attitude. If I can't change it in him how can I ever expect to change it in anyone else? Dear Lil, Never plan to change someone else. People only change because THEY see a need to, not because you want them to. Sometimes, realization just doesn't dawn on some...accept that, and move on. I hope you have a blast on your trip! Sounds like you'll be seeing many people you have kept away far too long...go, be happy....and return to your Eden and your memories. Take something that reminds you of Johnny so you can "go back" if you need to find a safe place during all the turmoil. Put some sand from the beach in a vial, some of his aftershave...just something to bring in happy thoughts. Go with the attitude that you're going to have fun, the hell with the BS, life is too short for that! Enjoy it while you can - and if you need a quick thought if it gets rough, remember that you ARE going to be leaving on a certain day and you can make it that far.... Here's hoping you are as sad to leave Lousiana as you are to leave your little Eden. Take care, be safe! Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Fall54 Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Dear lil, I am praying that you have a wonderful time and that all these negatives are only things that you think may happen and find out that it was all for not. I can hear through your words how very much you and Johnny were in love. I have that same relationship with my husband and can not imagine my life without him. I can feel your grief. I love how you describe your paradise and how you feel the safety and security it gives you will be gone while you are away. Take Becky's advise and take some of Johnny with you. Something that will give you that feeling of closeness with him. Remember he is always in your heart and that is never far away. The day will come when you meet again in God's Paradise and you will never have to fear any of this ever agin. Enjoy your trip and dont you let one person spoil it for you!!! We will be looking for your posts and waiting for your safe return. God Bless You, Jane Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shirleyb Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 Lillian, Just try and enjoy each day as well as you can. Those that will listen will listen. Just do what you can for you. A good friend had the courage to tell me, you can't continue to beat yourself up over something you had no control over. You know that Randy (and I say this for Johnny) would not want you to be sad and mourning him. He would want you to remember the good times you had and shared and he would want you to find some happiness in life. That is all he wanted when he was here, that is all he wants now that he is gone. He wants your happiness. It is now your mission to find that happiness again in order to honor him. So I guess I am on a mission again. I don't know the path to take. I know I pray to God for direction and safe keeping. Take your trip, share the good memories that you have and keep on, keeping on. Looking forward to hearing about the wedding and all the rest. Much love, Shirley Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathy Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 Lily, Absolutely dont think about the negative. You dont have to explain to anyone(brother) about your love for Johnny, if they dont understand your pain then they will never get it no matter how much you try to explain, so dont even waste your energy on it...I know people around me think that I am doing great since I lost my dad, thats because I dont tell them, only because they just dont get it and they never will. If they ever were fortunate to have a love like yours and Johnnys or a dad as precious as mine they may be able to see the pain and be helpful instead of hurtful, but like the saying goes "walk a mile in my shoes" Have a wonderful time Lily!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lilyjohn Posted May 20, 2004 Author Share Posted May 20, 2004 Well just a few more hours and I will be on my way. Everything is packed and ready to go. Now it is just the wait. I dropped Misty off at my nieces house and already miss her. I spent the day just soaking up my surroundings. What a day it was. I saw the Eagles twice and the blue jay that I feed cookies too kept coming back looking for more. I also so two beautiful yellow birds for the first time. I was told they are a kind of Oreal(Sp). The hummingbirds emptied the feeders so I filled them one more time. There were at least three deer I saw going through not far from me. I sure am going to miss the beauty and nature here but I will be back again. I think the reason it has had such an affect on me is that it is reminds me of leaving Washington just a few months after Johnny's death. I loved it there too. I will have some pictures with me of him and us together. I also have the best picture of him in a frame and that is going with me. Instead of his robe that takes so much room in my suitcase I am taking his shirt. I can snuggle that instead and that will help because sometimes I still get his scent on it. So once again thanks to all of you. I wish you all great news and clean scans for those of you who are scheduled. I will be checking on you while I am away just not as often. Take care and God bless all of you. Lillian Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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