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missing mom

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I've really been missing the Mom I used to have. She's still here and many days and many instances I still have the full her. But increasingly lately, I don't. And that makes me sad. Sad for her because of her failing health. And sad for me, that I don't have her the same way I once did.

I suppose most everyone goes through this at some point with a parent as they age. I think we've reached a point where I'm looking out for her, more than she's looking out for me. Does that make sense? I'm not her primary caregiver but it's in our relationship. And I guess I don't mean physically looking out for. Emotionally more.

She used to be the person I could turn to with everything in my life. And she'd offer some encouragement or advice. But that's mostly gone and it's really hard to realize that it's gone.

I realized this week that talking with her is no longer something I always look forward to. Instead, it's something I should do. I was very saddened to discover that I had come to this realization.

I'm crying as I write. I wish I thought this was going to get better but part of the problem is the realization that things probably won't. It feels like she's slowing slipping away and I hate that.

Thanks for listening.


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I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I know that as we grow older we are suppose to be prepared to deal with dealing with medical issues or losing our parents but I don't think, in any situation it is ever easy and not gut wrenching. I've dealt with similar things with my mom - she has had multiple heart attacks and two by pass surgeries and it rips my insides out. My mom is here with me tonight as we deal with my husbands cancer and she just told me she missed her mom. My mom is 60 something and my grandmother just died two years ago just shy of her 104th birthday.

Maybe unloading how you are feeling will help - sometimes just purging all those emotions does a body good.

I wish I could offer up some wonderful advice but what we all have learned on here is that there are good day sand bad days and we need to keep focused on the positive when we can. Don't look to far off into the future, just one day at a time, ok? Be strong. Tomorrow must be better..

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  • 1 month later...
Guest poppaliki

Hiya Amy

You know as i read your post i feel exactly the same as you feel, nobody really prepares us to cope with our parents being ill, my father died 2 years ago from Non small cell lung cancer and in May of this year my mom was diagnosed with small cell lung cancer and has recently been diagnosed with Diabetes after being in hospital for 3 weeks. I love my mom so much she is my best friend, I feel at the moment that my mom is closing down on me, she has had 4 rounds of chemo and another 2 to go and her cancer has shrunk but my mom has not been really mobile since the day she found out she had lung cancer, it is so frustrating like you said to feel like you do Amy I really know how you feel, we have to be strong for our moms and also for ourselves dont we. To watch a person that you dearly love to deteriate is horrid. Keep your chin up and anytime you want to chat just e mail me.



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Dear Amy,

I felt your pain when I read your post. I remember feeling so much of what you are going through during my mom's illness. In fact, if you look back in this forum about 6 months you will probably find a similiar post from me. In a way, the day she was diagnosed our roles begun to change. I was very active in helping her fight the disease and helping my dad care for her. As her disease progressed I watched it take away my mom. We would have moments when it seemed like she was present, but through her pain and the medication the life was mostly gone.

I have more to say, but actually it is really painful for me. Please PM if you need to chat.

This is such a hard road, please know aren't alone in your feelings.

Blessings to you,

Andrea B.

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Amy don't feel bad about your thoughts they are so normal. My mom died 19 years ago with lung cancer. I lived away from here but was with her for the last 3 months of her life but she was not the Mama that I had known.

My mama was a strong spirited woman. She worked over 40 years in a canery, sometimes 7 days a week 12 hours a day. She raised me and my 4 brothers virtually alone. My dad had a disease that took a toll on all of us. He was an alcoholic. Mama was strong and dependable but the woman I found when I came to see her not long before her death no longer existed. I know that the cancer was responsible for a lot of that but she buried 4 of her children. The last of my brothers to die (there is just me and one brother left now) died in March before Mama died in October. Mama lost the will to live and her disease messed with her mind.

I watched the strongest person I had ever known become totaly dependant on me and my dad. She couldn't even go to the bathroom on her own. She was so afraid of being injured after two very serious injuries that she lived in a wheel chair and was afraid to try to get out of it for anything. Transfering her back and forth became a nightmare. She grew to live in her own world. A world that most of the time allowed no one else inside. Maybe in her case it was for the best. She just had too much mental pain to live with and she could not stand pain at all. That is hard to realize when she had 6 children and I was the only one born in a hospital with anything to help her.

I watched and cursed fate for the indignities that it handed out to her but in the end I knew that for her it was the best. It was the rest of us who had to watch that suffered because we missed our mom long before she was gone.

Just hang in there and know that your mom is still there somewhere inside. Life is so frightening at times in normal circumstances. Can you even begin to realize what she must be feeling? Some things are just too hard to share with even the ones you are closest with. Facing death or the treatments that may prolong life has to be the most frightening. Even my Johnny had times that I felt as if I were his mother instead of his love. Fear can turn anyone into a child again. Maybe in the long run that will like in my mom's case be the best case scenario. God Bless you both. Lillian

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I think that upon diagnosis, at some point, we begin mourning. Mourning the loss of the way things used to be.

Just the fact that now you have this illness constantly there-hovering-even when Dad was doing well, I was mourning, because I wished I could be back to the days when we weren't constantly worrying, constantly trying to see what was coming up next and trying to stay a step ahead of the disease.

It is normal, and you must allow yourself to feel whatever emotions that come to you. But if you need us all to echo it for you, than we will, because you can't feel badly about being sad. It is sad. Sure, we get through things, but because we have to. Please feel free to let us know whatever you are feeling-anger, sadness, laughter, whatever. We are here. Take care, Deb

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I am so sorry that you are going thru this. I lost my mom to nsclc 10 trs ago this month. Hers went to the brain and she changed drastically the last few months. Be there for her, this is your time to give back to her, you will never regret it. Love Cindy

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