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I am loosing my father


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I was not going to post any of this. I did not want to upset anyone or scare anyone. But I need help, I need support, I am emotionially done. I have asked my husband to either commit me or get me deep help. I can't keep it up anymore.

Dad is failing fast, real fast. He was released again from the hospital Saturday afternoon after the bone scan tested positive for mets to the ribs. They told us they could not help him until Tuesday because of the holiday. He became delusional and violent about sunday afternoon. He grabbed me around the throat at one point becuase I was trying to give him his pain meds. He doesn't know whats happening, where he is, who we are, or hos own strength still. He became verbally abusive to his two grandchildren by my sister and they both cried. We tried to explain to them that this isn't grandpa anymore but i am not sure they understood.

he was having a brain MRI today to see if the severe delusions and pain were from brain mets but 1 hour before the test, he was yelling that we were in mexico and the doctors were trying to kill him. I called the onc. and he told me to get him to the ER. I did. now he is back admitted, EXTREMELY dehydrated, has not eaten food since last saturday, no fluids since monday. he is very confused and unbalanced and they have him on a bed alarm. he told us he hates us for bringing him back to the hospital when he only has a few days to live. he said we are rotten and never wants to see us again. we try to talk to him and he covers his face as if to say get out i don't want to know you anymore.

he is mean to the nurses and were still here waiting for the MRI results. I know he will be filled with brain mets, i don't know what else can be causing this. his brother keeps telling us we (me really) didn't take good enough care of him and let him get like this. we should have done more for him and gotten him better care.

I feel about as big as a flea. I have been put down before but not like this. I am without hope and feel like this is all my fault that dad is like this. I haven't slept since saturday, i sit up and listen for him at night to move around. i went to the pharmacy yesturday to fill some MSContin for him and his brother who was watching him let him take the wrong medications that I had put away instead of the pain pills I had left out on the counter with a big note that says for pain take these only.

his family said they are going to sue us for his estate since we dont deserve it because of the lousy care we gave and got for him. at this point i don't care, i can't cry anymore, i am exhausted, i am so damn tired and just done with cancer. I am just done.

if i had to guess i would say dad has days, he looks like mom did at the end last august. I didn't think I gave him bad care, just last week they were yelling at me that I was smothering dad and not letting him be himself. Now its the opposite. I can't win for trying.

i don't even know why I am writing this, i just need someones support, please anyone, help me.

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Shelly, SOOO sorry you have to go through this with your dad. Please keep in mind that you have taken good care of him and know that to be true. His family is frustrated so they start the blame game. That is too bad. Just tune it out as best you can. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your dad. I ache for you. Hang in there. You have tremendous support right here. Don

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Dearest Shelly

You know that I am here for you ANYTIME day or night. I had an aunt to pass away with ovarian cancer. In the end, she was violent and said very hurtful things. I'm sure that your Dad has no idea of how hurtful he is being. Please, take care of yourself. I am so glad that you decided to post. Maybe it will make you feel better.........just getting it all out.

Casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you. 1Peter 5:7

Hugs and prayers for you, Shelly!!

Angie

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Oh Shelly~

I am so sorry. You don't deserve this. Dehydration will cause all the behavior changes you're describing. Hopefully the hospital will resolve that and you will get your dad back.

Now you stop questioning yourself or what you've done. You've been a wonderful advocate and caregiver for your dad. If you don't believe me, go back and read all your old posts and see for yourself... You're just exhausted. While your dad's in good hands get some rest and take care of yourself.

Rochelle

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Shelley,

I agree with Rochelle -- it could very well be the dehydration and hopefully the hospital stay can get him back on track.

I am soooooo sorry that you are having to endure this right now. Please pay NO attention to his family's comments, it is their way of lashing out at the world in frustration for what your father is going through. You said it yourself, nothing you do would be right to them at this time.

Please know that I am thinking of you and praying for your father.

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Shelly,

DONT listen to his brother, walk away if you have to, you know how high emotions run when you are dealing with the thought of maybe losing a loved one( I did say maybe). You have done exactly what your dad asked of you and that is all anyone can do..What do they think that you gave your dad a drug that gave him LC, I mean really, Do they think LC is contagious, I dont understand why they are blaming you for his illness. It sounds to me like you are not going to make his family happy no matter what you do.

Dont worry about them, you have to worry about you.. I know how hard this is for you, you do with your dad what you feel is right..If you want to be there near him, you be there, that is not smothering him...

If you read this tonight you can call me...I will be home all night with nothing to do so dont feel like you are bothering me..Okay?

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SHELLY,Take the good advice from Ry and get some much needed rest while the hospital is taking care of your dad and hydrating him.You have done so much good for him for so long,don't give up the ship now.Hang in there w/chin up and get rest while you are able to.Block out the other family members words for now.

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Guest bean_si (Not Active)

Shelly, I am so sorry. I have no words for the horrors you are going through. I would give anything in this world to have you for a caregiver. You are a wonderful person. I'm sure you're not perfect - I'm sure that like EVERYONE you make mistakes. But I know you have been good for you father. Try not to listen to the negative reactions from other people, including those from your dad. Your dad can't help what he's saying right now and I believe with all my heart he does not mean it. The others though - boy would I like to dropkick them.

Shelly, it's a good thing that you told your husband you want help. It's a good thing you are expressing this pain you are feeling. Keep on communicating.

Please let the medical personnel take care of your dad. It's time to stand back and let others help. I'm gonna pm you some phone numbers and websites.

Cat

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Shelly,

Oh my goodness, what a nightmare you are going through! I am so hoping that it is not brain mets and that it is dehydration or a reaction to pain meds.

Don't listen to his brother, just walk away. You are the one who has been taking care of your dad adn worrying about him. His brother is a useless bystander.

You have taken such wonderful care for your dad!!! I remember when you first posted that yoru dad might be ill and my heart broke for you. you are doing soooooooo much, more than anyone should have to endure.

Are you on any medication? Xanax is an antianxiety which helps a lot and can also be taken in conjunction with other antidepressants.

Please post again and let us know what is going on

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Shelly,

I am so sorry by what you have to live through,

your father is not himself at the present time so

the hospital stay will do him good, rest if you can

at least try.

As far as the brother is concerned, just stare at him

and THINK what you will not say.

All your posts showed the care and the love you had

for your father, you did more than you could and that

is the reason for your tiredness.

Prayers for a good outcome for your father and peace

and rest for you while you can.

Hugs

J.C.

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Dearest Shelly,

I am so sorry to hear that you are having to go through this with you dad. You don't deserve to be spoken to in the way your uncle is speaking to you. You have been such a support to your father and have taken really good care of him during his illness. It is really hard for you especially with all that you have endured in the last year. Try and keep a positive attitude and thank goodness you have the support of you husband. As you know we are here for you and will support you in any way we can. Thinking of you and prayers for you each day! Sending huge hugs and wish we all lived closer. Hang in there, stay strong and keep the faith...

Blesssings, prayers and hugs,

Karen

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Shelly,

Prayers for strength, patience and peace during this time of extreme challenge. Difficult enough to deal with the change in your Dad without the added aggravations. Don't let them play the guilt card...there is no reason for them to second guess your care and concern, except they are trying to ease their own shortcomings. I'm so glad that you shared your feelings...remember, that's what we are here for. Take care of yourself and demand whatever help you need to get through this.

Margaret

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Shelly...

Sending you strength vibes and keeping you and your dad in my prayers. I agree with others who say you need to try to get some needed rest and to just put aside the comments, blame or issues of others. You know what you feel in your heart and all you've done for your dad...and no one else's words can take that away from you.

I hope that being in the hospital and getting rehydrated will help restore your dad to more normal behavior. Just know it's not him talking right now....and don't let the words wear on you. Once he's rehydrated he may be much more himself.

Hang in there...and know we're all right here with you.

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Dearest Shelley,

First of all, I am glad you posted. I am so sorry your DAD is not doing so well right now. Hopefully the hospital will be able to get him back to the point where he knows what is going on. It tears your heart out to see him the way he is right now.

Now for the uncle and the rest of the family. I am sorry to hear they are being such jerks about all of this. I just figure though that what goes around comes around and usually a thousand times faster when it is evil wicked stuff like what you are going through. Turn it over to God and let him deal with them. Just don't lower your self to their level cause the sewer is pretty darn stinky.

Get some rest for yourself, keep talking to your hubby and lean on him for support and let the rest of us help you as much as we can. You are such a special gal. Know in your heart you are doing everything you can. You hurt because you love your DAD so much and only want what is best for him.

I am sorry things look so awful right now. If there is ever someone who needs the warm hugs that we all offer, you do. Take care and know you are in my prayers. May God give you what you need to make it through all that is happening.

Much love to you Shellie. You are like the angels that we all hope for to help us when we can't help ourselves. Let us be your angels for you too.

Shirleyb

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Oh, Shelly, I'm so sorry :cry:. Hopefully your dad will be more like himself when he's hydrated.

It seems that whenever there are family members who are closely involved in care and others who aren't, the less-involved family members find it way too easy to accuse the caretaker of not being good enough. It's not fair, and in your case I'm sure it's not justified.

You can't force your dad to drink. You can't affect how his disease progresses. You have sacrificed a lot of yourself to try to give your dad the best. Get some sleep and try to let the nasty family members fade into the background. They obviously can't do what you do, and have no right to be anything other than supportive of you.

You are in my prayers.

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Shelley,

First off, I know from our PM's and our phone talk how much you have done for your father. No matter what ANYONE else says, what your father is dealing with right now is in NO way your fault. Period.

I understand completely about being "done". Emotionally and physically drained to the point where almost nothing matters any more. I've been that way a couple times. But remember this, the love and caring you've given your Dad DOES matter. The good you've done for your Mom and Dad over the last few months WILL come back to you 100 times over. Just hang in there and you'll see what I mean.

As for your Dad's brother .. well the same thing applies. What HE puts out will come back to HIM a hundred times over. If I were him I think I'd be trying to find a good place to hide when it does.

There is no way I can prove the above to be true except from personal experience. I've seen it happen over and over again.

I know it's hard, I've been there, but please try to follow what others have said. Take this time to get some rest yourself. Take this time to take care of Shelley.

You have my number. Call anytime if you feel the need.

Dean

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Shelly,

First of all, I know it hurts really, really bad when others treat you badly. I know I've been there and I'm sure every single person above this post has been there also. It doesn't matter whether the person doing the hurting is right or wrong, or if they are good or bad - it still hurts the same! Actually, I'll take that back - it hurts WORSE when the person is wrong. When they're right, it's easier for me to swallow my pride and apologize. It's when they're wrong and nothing you do or say will change their mind that it's tough - real tough! You want so badly to prove them wrong, but any attempts are useless.

It's easy for all of us to advise you to forget them and their hurtful comments, but it's a lot easier said than done.

Now, about your dad. The only words I can say are that I am so, so sorry he is having this hard time and I know how much it hurts you to see him like that. My grandfather was delirious and mean in the hospital when I was only about 22 years old. They had to restrain him and even at that age, I didn't understand and was incredibly, incredibly upset.

Please follow everyone's advice and get some rest, but more importantly, lean on your husband and expect him to help get you through this. If he is awkward with it and doesn't know what to do, then call all these wonderful people whose phone numbers you have and someone will get you where you need to be.

Hang in there, honey. I am praying for you. When you close your eyes tonight, say this over and over: God loves me! But everytime you say it, put the emphasis on a different word, like this: GOD loves me! God LOVES me! God loves ME! That's what I do.

I love you, Shelly,

Peggy

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Oh Shelley

So sad and sorry to read your email. What a terrible time you are going through. I have no other comment for what your brother is saying except to just ignore it. I am guessing (hoping?) he is having his own issues with this and is taking it out on you. He is so wrong to tell you you haven't provided care for your Dad. I have read so many of your posts and along with everyone else on this message board, I know you love him and look after him wonderfully. Please look after yourself as well.

I also wondered if he could be reacting to the pain meds.

I hope the situation is improving, and if it isn't, that you are taking care of yourself.

Thinking of you

Jana

xxxxx

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Oh, Shelley,

Isn't it amazing that those who do the least are usually the ones who complain the most about what was done by someone else? Please disregard these selfish souls. If they do follow through on their threat to file suit I doubt if anyone is going to believe that they are motivated by anything other than the oh-so-obvious greed.

I am sorry, Dear One, that things are progressing this way. This really isn't your Dad talking, Shelley. It's the cancer, and the fear of the unknown, and a bit of anger at the whole situation. It is so very hard to be the one standing in the path of the blast. My Mom use to tell me that the ones who catch it are usually the "safe" ones The ones who are going to love you and be good to you and forgive you your anger and fear, no matter what. What a gift you are to your Dad, Shelley.

I wish I could do more than just tell you I'm sorry and that I care.

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Oh, Shellie -

I'm SO sorry you have to be going through all this. All the others have brought up things to think about it -- and yes, above all, please know that you have nothing to be criticized for. Your love and caring just shine through all your posts.

I've been in touch with my sister-in-law this week and her husband was taken to ER last weekend. They at first thought he had a stroke, then that it was "only" pneumonia, then maybe a heart attack, but the reason I mention it is because she has been so concerned with his attitude! He has been LIVID with anger and had to be restrained and trying to remove the cathether, IV, anything else they had on him. His anger is all directed at the hospital and their personnel and the family has been able to calm him down somewhat, but they've had to be called in in the middle of the night and he thinks there is a conspiracy against him, and he was determined to go home, and it was so hard for the family to watch. His wife told them to give him more anxiety meds and when they said they couldn't do that because it might kill him, she was so desparate that she replied "at least he'll go peacefully and not miserably in a rage like this."

I'm not sure what they finally did -- I know they were of course running the inevitable barrage of tests -- but apparently something has helped because another sister-in-law told me today that they've been able to remove the restraints and he seems like himself -- even walking down the halls with them and making sense when he talks.

So, hang in there, girl. You know that isn't your father talking, but just his condition. He would never deliberately hurt you, or scare his grandkids.

I'm hoping and praying that by the time you read this he will be back to himself and you will have once again mustered up that incredible well of inner strength you have shown for so long.

Hugs and prayers, Shellie.

Gloria

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Shellie,

I am so very sorry. I feel so bad that you are facing these issues. I am praying so hard for you. I am sending you huge hugs and hope for peace strength healing and love for you during this time of grief and overwhelmingly despair and hurt due to unappreciation of greedy family members who are jackasses. PLEASE hang in there you are a great caregiver and you are so special and you did so much for your parents you should be proud. I'm sure they will be forever grateful and proud of you, you are an angel and a good daughter!!

Believe in yourself and take care of you first!

Laurie

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Shelly,

I agree with everyone else's posts. You know in your heart of hearts that you love your Dad and are doing all that you can. I think it goes with the territory, that if we can't make someone we love 'all better' we feel guilty. Then, if anyone says anything it just validates that guilty feeling we already have.

Nonesense - we caregivers, (see the word giver in there), give and give and give. We may not do everything absolutely right, but that is not from not trying but by not knowing or being too tired or too emotional or or or.

Also, Shelly, my sister who just died was nasty and mean for the last week and my sister didn't have a nasty, mean bone in her body. Therefore it must have been the sepsis or the meds. Have they checked your Dad for sepsis? You get it in the hospital.

Shelly, hang tough sweetie. As Snowflake says, breath, breath, breath.

Take care of yourself, your Dad needs you healthy and rested.

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Shelly, I ache in my heart for you. I experienced very similar things when my mom died. Her oldest sister told me she was going to get the family together and sue me and my Dad and that we didn't take care of my mom properly. She even wrote a long letter to my mom's oncologist about us and I can only imagine what it said, but the oncologist said that she couldn't discuss it with us but that it doesn't matter what she wrote because we were our mom's caregivers. We were about 6 months into my mom having lung cancer, stage IV and my aunt wants to do a biopsy to make sure it's lung cancer! This is after about 10 CT scans, xrays, and second and third opinions. I was about to go ballistic on her! She told people that she will never have me be a part of her life ever again, etc. Hurtful things. I'm a murderer, that I didn't love my mother...things that just don't make sense being that I was by my mother every day, every appointment, etc as you have. My mom was my best friend, the most important person in my life. My aunt wasn't even around! She even went four months without talking to my mom because she was saying horrible things to me at my mother's house and my mom threw her out. My aunt and I always had a great relationship, so this came out of left field and wasn't making any sense to me. I'm angry that my aunt would treat me this way and just can't make any sense to it but I think some people just fight mean. If your uncle is saying he's going to sue you, etc.. I'm sure that he may have a history of fighting mean...what I mean by that is, using "attack" words when he's arguing...do you know what I mean? Some people attack when they disagree and I think those people come out with claws when something majorly affects or hurts them. It's so hard not to lash back. Shelly don't you ever doubt how you are taking care of your father. You are doing more than any daughter could. I think that his brother, my mom's sister, don't know how to cope and anger and blame is their defense mechanism. It just makes everything that much more difficult BUT you know, your husband knows, your family here on the web know you are doing everything you can. I think you are a strong and amazing person and daughter. Any parent would be lucky to have such a caring, determined, respectful daughter be by their side at a time like this. You have gone to bat for both your mom and dad. To have to take care of two of the most important people in your life and to watch them suffer like this is gut wrenching, painful and just unbelievable. The fact that you are here talking to us and doing everything you can shows how strong and courageous you are. I hope in telling you the issue with my aunt that it helps you to know that you are not alone in that aspect of this ordeal as I know it was just that extra punch to make me feel worse, (if that's even possible). There are some family members that just aren't as strong as you and can't cope...you just have to feel sorry for them. Sorry for running on a tangent but my heart just breaks for you and I wish you lived closer so I could help you through this time. Shelly, I'm so so sorry, life just isn't fair.

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Shellie,

I wish I had the power or wisdom to make this all go away.

So many people above have hit all the salient points on the head far more eloquently than I ever can. Yet, it may not hurt to reiterate a few of them.

*Don't ever be afraid to post when you need to--that's what this place is here for.

*You have been and ARE and amazing caregiver and daughter. That is simply a FACT. No one can change that, as much as they might like to obscure it for their own psychological and/or material reasons.

*Your dad loves you very much and both YOU AND HE BOTH KNOW all that you have done for him. Does anything else really matter, in the long run?

*Your uncle obviously has his own "issues". They are HIS to wrestle with--not yours. Your plate is FULL right now. Have someone run diplomatic interference for you while tempers are running high. You DO NOT need to be subjected to this.

*You are understandably exhausted. What are you doing (or having someone else do?) to take care of yourself each day (even if it is only for half-an-hour)? You, too, need sleep, etc.

*Please let us know if there is anything we can do to help you in any way. You have been through so much recently...

Please know that you are in all of our thoughts and prayers.

Melinda

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:( OH Shellie, I am so sorry about all the SH** you are having to deal with on top of this damn disease. I ditto what everyone above has shared with you, but want to let you know how I am holding your dad, your sister's kiddos, your husband and, of course, you up in prayer. The whole LC family is here for you...always! Breathe in, breathe out...one minute at a time if needed, honey. I am praying for you to find the strength for the times when it is needed and rest for the moments when that is possible, as few as they may be. You are not a flea, you are a lioness, Shellie! Courageous and caring and doing what needs to be done for her family!

Please lean on us when you need to though!

Karen M.

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