Debaroo Posted June 3, 2004 Share Posted June 3, 2004 ...I get news that my F-I-L got a 'clean bill of health'-now understand, he was told he had the beginnings of emphazema about 10 years ago, and told that if he quit smoking it would save his life-but he didn't, despite the begging of his children and grandchildren. Now you must understand that he is not a nice man. He is cold, self-centered and, well, mean. Anyway, I thought I'd pretty much got through Daddys' death alright. I miss him tremendously, but never felt angry or questioned, "why him", until...now...I will probably be thought of as being selfish by some that don't know me, and even cruel-I mean, what kind of person gets angry when someone gets a 'clean bill of health'...but all I thought was "sure, if there were ever nuclear war-this guy and the cockroaches would survive ." Believe me, I am not proud of feeling this way. My Sister in law called me up to tell me that she went with my F.I.L to his last doctors appt. and the doctor told him that he dosn't need to stay on his special diet anymore (he has heart disease as well), he could 'eat whatever he wants, in moderation-chocolate, etc." So, I said-"maybe the doctor dosn't like your father ." We both laughed. I have never called the man 'dad' because he is so not a father=even to his own kids-had he been a nicer man, I would...I refer to him by his sirname, always using the Mr. in front, I am not disrespectful. I mean, this guy had the nerve, after HE asked us where my dad was being laid out the day after Christmas, to complain that it was too far!!! My moms response was, "gee, Jim, we'll be sure to move the location for you ..." he is a jerk. Anyway, I feel like I'm going backward in the whole grieving process thing. And it is disconserting. I just read THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN, I wish it were non-fiction, I would love to believe that this is the way things go...anyway, there is a quote in the book that is so wonderful. "Fairness does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young." I can say that I truly do believe that...but somehow, even knowing this, believing this, is no longer helping me. So, here I am, stuck...and part of me is terrified that I will be put to another test of faith, just so that God could proove to me, or I could proove to myself, that I DO HAVE FAITH...I have always been afraid of this type of thing...Like God is watching and going, OK, Deb needs to be put to the test, she needs to realize what is important, she needs to be reminded that faith comes from within-so, the sh#@ must be thrown to the fan for her, and she will have to get through it." I don't know if this is how it works, but that has always been my fear. That when I am taking things for granted, or questioning my faith, God will make something bad happen so that I will see things more clearly. So, thats where I'm at. I'm sad, I'm angry, and I don't like it. Thats why I havn't been around much, I have nothing left to give. I feel like offering my prayers and support just isn't enough anymore-I am sincere in my offerings of these things, but I feel like right now I can't even comfort myself, so how the heck could I comfort anyone else? Man, I'd love to hit someone...Just beat the crap out of someone that really deserves it...like a mugger or annoying wimpy guy from Survivor pearl islands that lied to everyone and told them that his grandmother died-how hateful is HE? Sorry to rant. I hope that you all know that I think about you every day, and offer a special prayer, too. I am sorry that I am in this funk right now. I just have to find a way to trudge through the muck and get back to myself again. Take care, guys, and thank you for 'listening'. Deb Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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