just when I thought I had a grip on things...

[Debaroo]

...I get news that my F-I-L got a 'clean bill of health'-now understand, he was told he had the beginnings of emphazema about 10 years ago, and told that if he quit smoking it would save his life-but he didn't, despite the begging of his children and grandchildren. Now you must understand that he is not a nice man. He is cold, self-centered and, well, mean.

Anyway, I thought I'd pretty much got through Daddys' death alright. I miss him tremendously, but never felt angry or questioned, "why him", until...now...I will probably be thought of as being selfish by some that don't know me, and even cruel-I mean, what kind of person gets angry when someone gets a 'clean bill of health'...but all I thought was "sure, if there were ever nuclear war-this guy and the cockroaches would survive ."

Believe me, I am not proud of feeling this way. My Sister in law called me up to tell me that she went with my F.I.L to his last doctors appt. and the doctor told him that he dosn't need to stay on his special diet anymore (he has heart disease as well), he could 'eat whatever he wants, in moderation-chocolate, etc." So, I said-"maybe the doctor dosn't like your father ." We both laughed.

I have never called the man 'dad' because he is so not a father=even to his own kids-had he been a nicer man, I would...I refer to him by his sirname, always using the Mr. in front, I am not disrespectful.

I mean, this guy had the nerve, after HE asked us where my dad was being laid out the day after Christmas, to complain that it was too far!!! My moms response was, "gee, Jim, we'll be sure to move the location for you ..." he is a jerk.

Anyway, I feel like I'm going backward in the whole grieving process thing. And it is disconserting.

I just read THE FIVE PEOPLE YOU MEET IN HEAVEN, I wish it were non-fiction, I would love to believe that this is the way things go...anyway, there is a quote in the book that is so wonderful.

"Fairness does not govern life and death. If it did, no good person would ever die young." I can say that I truly do believe that...but somehow, even knowing this, believing this, is no longer helping me.

So, here I am, stuck...and part of me is terrified that I will be put to another test of faith, just so that God could proove to me, or I could proove to myself, that I DO HAVE FAITH...I have always been afraid of this type of thing...Like God is watching and going, OK, Deb needs to be put to the test, she needs to realize what is important, she needs to be reminded that faith comes from within-so, the sh#@ must be thrown to the fan for her, and she will have to get through it."

I don't know if this is how it works, but that has always been my fear. That when I am taking things for granted, or questioning my faith, God will make something bad happen so that I will see things more clearly.

So, thats where I'm at. I'm sad, I'm angry, and I don't like it. Thats why I havn't been around much, I have nothing left to give. I feel like offering my prayers and support just isn't enough anymore-I am sincere in my offerings of these things, but I feel like right now I can't even comfort myself, so how the heck could I comfort anyone else?

Man, I'd love to hit someone...Just beat the crap out of someone that really deserves it...like a mugger or annoying wimpy guy from Survivor pearl islands that lied to everyone and told them that his grandmother died-how hateful is HE?

Sorry to rant. I hope that you all know that I think about you every day, and offer a special prayer, too. I am sorry that I am in this funk right now. I just have to find a way to trudge through the muck and get back to myself again. Take care, guys, and thank you for 'listening'. Deb

[cathy]

Well Deb,

I am guilty of the same feelings.. I remember right after my dad passed I was watching some dateline or a show like that. A daughter was confronting her father who had abused her and I believe he denied the whole thing to her all I did was sob while watching that. I asked God why is that evil s o b still alive while my sweet dad was not, he has absolutely nothing to offer his daughter, while my dad still had so much life left in him and thats not the only time I have felt like that, so you see Deb you are not alone. Dont worry about not posting, you have been there so much for others, especially me..You have said many beautiful things to me that have lifted me when I was down..If you need to vent I am here for you...(((DEB))))

[DeanCarl]

Deb,

I can't address some of the things you posted. But I DO know one thing: My God CAN NOT do bad things to me. I firmly believe that the idea tha God "tests" our faith by causing bad things to happen to us so we will rely on Him more is cr**, cr**, CR**! That, to me, would make Him an awfuly small God. And my God is ANYTHING but "small". Life may test us. Dealing with bad people may test us. We may even (and this is one I'm guilty of) test ourselves, but God is not the insturment of our suffering.

One thing I've noticed. Folks like your FIL are usually pretty miserable inside. So living a long life, for someone like that, may not be the most pleasant of experiences. In other words, they create their own misery. So MY job is just to stay the heck out of their way and not let them make ME miserable also (which, at times, seems to be their "job" on this earth).

Dean

[Kris]

Deb,

I hear ya! I have felt so many of those same things over the last 9 months. I have seen others, even some relatives, recover from some really bad stuff and I get mad. Real mad. Then I stomp that feeling down and tell myself how wrong it is to be mad at such a thing. And then I get mad again. I HAVE asked, "why my Dad"?! He was the most precious, sweet, loving, strong man anyone could know. I am not rebelling but still hold some anger towards God. I think He understands that...I am human. And I'm not angry that he took MY Dad....I'm angry at Him because he allowed him to suffer. Anyway....

What you are feeling is completely natural and human. The fact that we recognize that we shouldn't harbor resentment and anger tells me that we are going to be all right. Maybe we'll never be "okay" with the way our paths have traveled but we won't let it change who we are and we won't let it turn us into people we don't want to be.

I doubt my response helped but your posting struck me and I had to respond.

You're a good person. Take care, Deb...

Kris

[shirleyb]

WARNING....DON'T GET YOUR SHORTS IN A BUNCH OVER THIS. I AM NOT TRYING TO BE MEAN or disrespectful of what you are going through.

Deb,

Please understand that I am not trying to make light of the pain you are going through right now, but I feel the need to share this with you.

I don't know if you have ever seen the movie Steel Magnolia's, but there is a scene in it that popped into my head, and I can just see you doing this to your FIL.

It is where the ladies are all walking and want to help Sally Fields character. She is saying how angry she is that God let this happen and how unfair it is. She then makes the statement of how she just wants to punch someone.

I can just see you having someone hold your FIL and you on the side you are selling T-shirts that say "I took a whack at (insert his name here). You would probably make a bundle of money, not to mention how much your mother would put in.

On a more serious note though, I think Dean has said what I would like to say, but only better.

I am sorry you are hurting so badly, and that you are in such pain. My heart breaks for all of you kids (Katie, Cathy, Kris, Andrea, and the rest)that are going through what can only be described as your worst nightmare.

I pray that God grants peace to your heart and that you know you are loved. And that what you are feeling is very understandable. Only someone who has been there can understand it so well.

Take care young lady, you are in my prayers for as long as it takes.

Much love,

Shirleyb

[lilyjohn]

Hi Deb

I can certainly relate to some of the things that you are feeling. I still have days when I am so angry that I want to punch someone or throw things.. I have questioned God's reasons over and over again. I do trust God again but I have a very hard time trusting anyone else but my story is different than yours and so is the reason for that.

Right now I am visiting with my children in Louisiana. Last year when I was here just 6 months after Johnny's death my ex husbands mother died. It was so hard for me. Part of the reason was because despite our differences I had some very good memories of her. Mainly I ached for my children and grandchildren and even my ex husband. My biggest problem tho was seeing all that she had that Johnny had been denied. I think there is always a reason for that kind of jealousy and anger.

Her doctors kept her alive and fought for her as long as she wanted. Johnny's chose to kill him. Her kids were there for her everyday. I was the only one there for him and their "out of sight,out of mind" attitude helped cause his death.

She had a big funeral with tons of flowers and everyone got a chance to say goodbye. The last I saw Johnny was in ICU when I left him 3 hours after he died. HIs son's chose to cremate him because it was less expensive not because of his wishes (we wanted a place to be together). He is now in his son's house. Seems that tho they never had time for him nor wanted him while he was alive they do now.

So you see I like you feel very jealous and angry at some of the injustice I have seen. I love the people on this board and cry with them (right now I am down because I just saw where Shelly's dad died). I want everyone to have a long life and beat this monster but I am human and honest enough to tell you that I even feel jealousy when I see someone here that I have grown to love and respect post good news. I believe it is only natural to feel that way. We all want our loved one back. It just seems so unfair that they could be gone and others are alive and doing fairly well. When that person is someone like your FIL that makes it seem even more unfair.

So Deb don't beat yourself up for the way you feel. I've been down that road and it is not an easy one to get off of. Hell I'm the champion when it comes to beating myself up for any number of reasons. My advice is feel what you feel and don't let guilt get in the way. As for your FIL and others like him, their time will come. Lillian

[jamie]

Deb,

The bottom line is that life isnt fair... this disease isnt fair. This disease happens to the best of people. I think all the time that if it just would have been anyone but my dad... The truth is this disease has no predjuces. (sp-sorry). It dosent care who you are, how great you are, how loved you are. It will hit anyone it pleases.

Keep your head up,,,

Jamie

[Snowflake]

Jamie,

An insight to the argument in my head... So, you are given the choice of giving the disease to anyone but your dad - how would you choose? What would your boundaries be?

I haven't been able to get into the "Why me?" pool because any time I've even come close to that thought, a LOUD voice in my head says "Why NOT you?"... I haven't been able to answer that yet. How do you argue that you shouldn't have the disease? Because I have a child - so do many car accident victims... Because I am young - still older than leukemia victims... Because people love me and I'm needed - how can I figure anyone else's worth in the world?

Questions just bring more questions and nothing is black and white - except that it's not fair. My grandmother's answer when I would say something wasn't fair? "You're right, life's NOT fair now suck it up and move on..." Sage advice from someone who lived a hard life in a time of non-acceptance for many things, hard to swallow, but the truth...

So, I'm on the moving on track..

Becky

[jamie]

Becky,

Point taken. I think the why him additude sets in early, then settles somewhere in the back of my head. I dont think anymore because I realize it can take anyone it wants, smokers, non smokers, men, women, old, young. Thats all I meant. I think everyone, patients and caretakers alike all have wondered what Deb has wondered. It is a pity pool, but I think everyone has the right to be angry about what has happend to them, their loved ones, their lives. To answer your question, I couldn't choose. But I will say this. If not for my 3 kids, I would take his cancer and make it my own to save him.

I get it though..

Jamie

[Guest KellyB]

Deb.. I know it has been a while (see my post general section) It is like this... Bad things happen to Good people all the time...there is no answer and no jusification. God takes the best ones first. There are many angry,difficult, nasty people left living long unhappy lives, but what legacy do they leave? what is their mark on this earth?

Be thankful for a loving father , although his life was cut short his footprint lives on thru you and many others whom he touched.

Love.....Kelly B

[Snowflake]

An odd thought, but maybe some of those bitter people that are so hard to love are that way because they were hurt badly by something before and they are so against going through it again that they put up big walls to keep the whole world out and not risk falling into the trap of caring too deeply again.....

...and maybe, they've just always been anal orifices...

So dance 'tho there is no music in your heart and soon the steps will make the tune...

-and when the jerks in the world are getting to you, turn up your heart music and drown 'em out!

Take care all, I'm about to self-medicate my mood with a big chocolate malt...DON'T tell the Cookieman, he thinks I'm packing while he's at practice...me and the boy are celebrating the 'wogs growing arms...and being thisclose to having the house sold...and focusing on the positives when there really are many negatives spinning around us. If we laugh hard enough, maybe the bad stuff will be scared off by the noise! Ya think??

Toodles,

Becky (& Andrew tonight)