Elaine Posted June 4, 2004 Share Posted June 4, 2004 Well I guess I will post an update on my physical well-being. I think I am at a crossroads. I have had some unexplained pains for some time. Most have come and gone, but two linger. They aren't really pain--more like discomfort. Plus, all of a sudden, I have less stamina. No weight loss or loss of appetite, which I thought would indicate spread, but maybe some people have spread without loss of weight, initially. I thought I was getting pneumonia, and took a weeks worth of KFlex which seemed to stop it. Never a fever, just some strange lung sounds and chest pangs. . I also have a nagging short cough, that seems to start with any sort of exertion or movement, and I fear it is not temporary. Do I ever question my initial descision? Some. But I know based on what I knew then and felt then, I did what I felt was best. Everything in my life, as usual, is up for revision. My other posts tell more about what is going on inside the other important parts of me--my mind, heart and soul. Those will live on, so I should worry about them more. I wish there is someone who wants to really talk about the why to do treatment and the why nots. It seems most do it. I guess the bottom line is this: I am a truly committed person. When I commit to something, I go the whole way as best I can. I just haven't felt that the standard treatment is worth that kind of energy and willpower. I have so little faith in it. I feel like someone is trying to sell me a used car when it comes to chemo/rad. But now that I don't feel all that good anyway, maybe I need to consider leaving the showroom models and heading out to the back lot in search of a deal.. The only thing I wish I might have done differenly, is made a mad dash to Greece or somewhere while I felt good. But I didn't know I felt all that good unitl I began to feel worse LOL. Or maybe I should have let Becky order me up a cabana boy. Nah, that's not me, either. So it seems it's me and DeanCarl and Howard here on this less travelled path. Funny thing is, I haven't a clue as to the whys the other two are on this path. What I am trying to say is I am beginning to feel ill. I am beginning to wonder if I should do treatment. I was initally told, I would be gone by now, without treatment. I was shocked. I remember believing that prognosis. I remember also not believing it. I guess the latter was more right. I never committed the whole way to the road Dean took, saying to myself if and when the disease gets worse than the "cure", I will reconsider. I have not found another Dr. Someone else on this board is going to the one I thought I would switch to, but they aren't having any better time with it than I did with the other. It is all the same practice, the only one in town. That alone has filled me with such despair. Without a choice. I cant tell you how that feels. I just want to be treated with compassion and with dignity. I want some faith, not in the outcome, but some faith on the road and in those who are on the professonal side of it with me. elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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