I Am So Sad And Depressed

[DianeR]

I don't even know where to begin. I am so sad and depressed these days that I just don't know what to do. My dad was dx with NSCLC Stage IV in January 2004. It seems it has been all down hill since that time. I feel he has never received any good news. His cancer has progressed after taking 4 cycles of chemo. Chemo was switched. Dad not tolerating new chemo well. He has only had a hand full of good days since he started chemo in Feb. He is so depressed and I feel this is hurting him as much as the cancer. I am so sad because I can not stop his pain...emotional or physical. I try to be upbeat and happy, but the minute I walk out their door and get in my car I breakdown and cry. I feel as though I am the one that needs to find a way to get him better and I just can't. I wake up in the middle of the night in a panic thinking that I have to find a way to make him better. I soon realize I don't have the power to make him better and the tears begin to flow. I am so tired and worn out.

My oldest daughter graduated from High School last week. I was so excited for her, but so depressed because my dad was unable to come see his granddaughter graduate (he was in the hospital). I was exhausted from staying at the hospital all week and I just fought back tears the whole night of graduation. I felt so guilty being depressed at

such a joyful time in her life.

I am just writing to vent my feelings because I am so tired and scared. I know by reading the posts that there are many caregivers feeling the same way. I just wish I could get some good days for my dad and be able to post a message in the "Good News" section. I would love to see my dad happy again. He means the world to me.

Diane

[Snowflake]

Diane,

Please make an appointment with your family doctor regarding your feelings. You may need an anti-depressant. Also, check into seeing a counselor, you can find one through your local ACS office that can help in cancer-related ways or any certified counselor that you feel a "click" with.

Don't think I'm suggesting things to you that I haven't done, I meet with my counselor later this morning (in about nine hours)... You need some help to deal with these strong emotions - they aren't going to go away (sorry), but they CAN be 'managed'.

You also need to cut yourself a break. I understand your feelings for your father and your helplessness and fear. You need to work through this and get to the acceptance. No, I'm NOT saying "give up", I'm saying to accept the fact that your father has cancer and is fighting it bravely. Keep supporting him, but REMEMBER TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, too. There is no way in the world your father wants you to compromise your health by worrying about him. He may need help with some of the burden he is carrying, but spread the weight around. There is no need for you to put it all on YOUR shoulders - no one can handle the weight of the world for long.

Hang in there, don't be afraid to ask for help. I emphatically urge you to talk to your family doctor and have your depression "quota" tested. I have my magic "cocktail" in a dresser drawer next to the bed - during the really bad times, I take a Xanax (anti-anxiety Band-Aid) and an Ambien (sleep aid) and get some sleep.... I'm up right now because it's just too hot to sleep.

Take care of YOU, please! You are an important person in this equation.

xxoo,

Becky

[ginnyde]

Diane,

My biggest frustration is the absolute lose of control - that there is nothing I can do to make my husband better, maybe more comfortable, maybe happier, but not better.

But I can't - so I try to enjoy each and every minute that we have. In the long run - that is probably the best.

[J.C.]

Diane,

It is so hard to see a person we love suffer that we have

to think fast and be careful to look after ourselves, right

from the start, they will need us strong.

Becky gave you good ideas, take care of yourself that

way you are helping the person you love.

Hugs

J.C.

[Ry]

Can't add much to the above. Most of us have been where you are...it's not a good place to be. Give the new chemo a chance, it's gonna get worse before it (hopefully) gets better. The chemo kills the good with the bad and your dad may get that good news yet.

[cathy]

Diane,

I dont have too much to add just that I know about those bittersweet moments, they are so hard to get through. Its strange how life goes on when our loved ones are so sick..Sending my prayers to you and your dad for some better days ahead..

[Dollfan19]

Diane,

I've been exactly where you are today, in fact my daughter is graduating tomorrow and her step-father didn't quite make it long enough. My daughters dream was to have Jim there to see her graduate; he believed in her. Last night we cried together about our loss but we came together and said we will both represent him there and stand tall so he can see.

Stay strong for your Dad and tell him you love him.

You are in my prayers and thoughts,

Abby

[Addie]

Sometimes it's a wee bit of help, just to be able to express how we feel and know that others understand. I hope that's the case for you....but it probably will not be quite enough to ease how you're feeling. I think Becky offers some smart advice.....to talk to your own doctor about the strain you are under and see if he might advise taking something to get you thru the worst times.

I am the patient....but I'm keenly aware of how this is SO much more difficult for my husband....who feels so helpless and out of control over the situation. He doesn't say too much....but once in a while the emotions overflow a bit and he'll wipe at his eyes. I encourage him to let those feelings out because I think it's just healthier than trying to stuff them or pretend they don't exist.

Another thing you might try....is to put your feelings down on paper....or in a document on the computer. Many years ago...I lost my father to a stroke just 8 days before I gave birth to my first child, Dad's first grandson. You can imagine the range of emotions at that time. I was so heartbroken that my son would never know my dad....and when my son was about 6 months old I sat down and wrote my dad a letter....as if he was just away on a business trip.

I told him all about the baby, all the things I knew he'd be interested in....and kept writing until I simply didn't need to say anymore. I think I actually stopped sort of in the middle of a sentence. But it was a very cathartic thing for me.....to put those feelings on paper. I felt somehow, as though Dad was really "reading" them....and it helped me to cope.

Maybe putting your feelings down in writing....as though you were saying it all to your dad....would be a sort of release for you, as it was for me.

It's hard when there are things to celebrate and enjoy in other areas of your life....and yet there is always that lingering sadness over your Dad's health and situation. I think many here understand that all too well. But your Dad would probably be one of the first people to tell you to enjoy those brighter moments....like your daughter's graduation.....and to revel in it fully!

It's never easy watching someone we love struggle, suffer, lose any of the quality of their life....or to deteriorate in any way. It's painful and it just feels wrong. But as long as there is life, there is hope....and each day with your dad is a treasure...a gift. Try to hold on to that thought to balance out your sadness and despair....ok?

I will keep you and your family in my prayers.....praying too, that Dad will get some good news! Meanwhile, I do know he's very fortunate to have such a loving daughter!

[Remembering Dave]

Hey - both Becky (Snowflake) and Ginny gave you great advice.

Definitely see your family doctor. When my husband was diagnosed I did. She adjusted the anti depressant I was already taking and gave me a good once over (and found a Stage II melanoma which may have saved MY life). Sometimes little physical ailments can wear you down and make your mental state a little weaker than you need it to be at times like this. Counseling is good, too. I saw my shrink just once at the beginning of this cancer hell and got a good atta girl from her.

Don't dwell on the "what ifs" and the "why me" kind of stuff. You must accept the situation for what it is and do the best you can.

When my husband was first diagnosed it was such a shock. He spent a week in the hospital. I would often go down the hall to a private visitor's room and bawl my head off. there was also a phone in there so sometimes I'd call our minister or a friend and bawl my head off. but after a few days I needed it less and less (but still had a good cry about every week or two). I think it was the fear of the unknown and the loss of control over the situation that made is so difficult.

Hang in there.

Karen C.

[kimblanchard]

Diane,

Some very sage advice from our board members here. I'm so sorry this is so hard on you. I know the feeling after having lost a dad to lung cancer, and now as I watch my mom go through treatment. It get so heavy it's hard to find air to breath. At times I just have to, as my mom would say "leave it on the altar". Let the higher power, your God, whatever your belief, take over for a time. Regroup and face another day. Wish I could take it all away for you.

Nancy

[ahhappy]

You've been given lots of great advice here already. I just wanted to say again, please take care of yourself.

Amy

[DianeR]

I want to thank each and every one of you who responded to my post. After a few nights of much needed sleep and just getting away from the hospital I feel so much better. This journey, as many say, is a rollercoaster and I feel like we were down at the bottom of the hill, but hoping to soon get up to the top and stay there for awhile!

Ginny, you said it exactly how I feel. It is the total lack of control over the disease. I hate it, but I know there is nothing I can do about it. I do try to cherish every moment I have with my dad. I am very thankful he is here today!

Each of you are very special people to take the time to write. I forgot, while my dad was in the hospital, how much positive energy and encouragement you get out of this website. With a bit of sleep, encouragement from others, (and a graduated daughter enjoying Senior Week at the beach) just does wonders!!!! I really really appreciate your care and concern. Thanks to each and every one of you.

Diane

[paddy]

As usual I am a little late here! However, I wanted to say that I agree with Karen C, having a good cry once or twice a week is really the way to get through it. I go for long, early- morning walks and get it all done and over with then. Some ice, and possibly dark glasses, hide the evidence, and then I can face Dave with a smile when he wakes up. I find that I can keep a brave front until something drastic happens, (like Dave having a terrible coughing fit,or falling down or something) and then I feel physically sick with fear. I always think, "Well if I feel like this, how scared is he feeling?" and try to put my energy into calming him. It's not an easy "walk" we are all "walking" is it! I pray for strength for all of us. Love to you and positive thoughts,

Paddy

[stand4hope]

Diane,

My dad is in the final stages of his life, and it is very hard to know that this is the case and still keep smiling, but you CAN do it. From what you describe, it DOES NOT sound like this is where you dad is in this struggle and that his weakness and bad days are because of the chemo. If this is the case, then he should feel better once he is off chemo for a while. Most everyone really feels bad and most experience extreme fatigue while on chemo. This may be what your dad is experiencing instead of depression. Of course, I don't know because I'm not there, but it's something to consider. Also, if he truly is depressed, they can give him something for depression, but you probably have to ask for it. It takes a couple of weeks for most anti-depressants to work, but they do work.

One more thing, when I go to see my dad, I can tell the minute I walk in the door if he is having a bad day. The first thing I do is acknowledge that fact. I say hi, give him a kiss and rub his forehead. He always looks me right in the eye, and I get real close to his face and just say, "You're having a bad day, aren't you?" He will nod his head yes, and then I smile and say something like, "Well, I'm going to change that" or "Well, you hang on because I'm go get some help and get something to make it a good day" or "Well, it's a good day now - BECAUSE I'M HERE He always, always, always smiles when I do this. I think it just gives him a feeling of being safe. I never allow myself to show any fear, anxiety or emotion about his health. That would scare him and make him more upset to see me upset. I did go to him when we got bad news about my husband and I cried on his shoulder while he patted me on the back and had tears in his own eyes. That was different. He was getting to be my daddy and he was taking care of me. He needs to be kept in the family loop as to what's going on, especially about his 4 kids, and I make sure that he knows what is going on with them. When several of us are there at the same time, we tell jokes, laugh and have a really good time. He does listen and when he's having a good day, he smiles great big and laughs with us (only a little though, because he can't breathe if he laughs very much). I tell him that I paid his property taxes, that his oil bill was $427 and my sister's keeping the grass cut. In other words, I try to make it life as usual to the best of my ability.

Daine, I can't believe I've typed so much here, but I really think you can do a lot to help your dad and yourself to get through this easier if you try to be as optimistic and hopeful as you possibly can be.

Much love to you and God bless you,

Peggy