kimblanchard Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 The last time I was at Borders (don't worry, I was supervised) I came across a book called Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman that has been a very interesting read. My goal in reading this is to start coming to grips with what Katie has in front of her. My goal is to provide her an environment where she can be emotionally expressive. It is hard, because I am dealing with enough myself. Anyway, the book is for basically any woman who has lost a mother. They talk to women who were three when their mothers died, and they talk to women who were 63. Thought I would recommend it. On a completely unrelated note, I joined E-harmony last week. My brother told me about this, and the personality profile is free right now. I am not ready for another relationship, but I am ready to think about what another relationship means. So I thought this would be a good thing to do. The personality profile takes like two hours to fill out, but then it came back remarkable accurate. (It did call me detail oriented, which is so far from true as to be hysterical. And it also said "Some people may inaccurately believe you don't like people." My thought is what the heck is inaccurate about that? I fully admit I don't like people. But otherwise it was on the money). One of my classmates signed up at the same time, but she is more interested in actually developing a relationship right now. So basically my strategy for this was to have so scary an opening page that noone would want to talk to me. So when I get matched, my opening page has our whole story; I am a recent widower, have a four year old daughter, just moved, am here for three years until I finish, and so on. My friend has gotten four matches, and two of them closed her down before any communication. In the mean time, while trying to scare off the women, I have almost 20 matches, and most of them are writing me. I finally put my ugly mug on the page, thinking surely that would scare them off, but so far to no avail. It has been fun meeting some people in a very safe environment; the communication is very controlled and there is no exchange of even e-mail addresses until you feel comfortable with it. And some of the questions asked of me have forced me to answer them. Questions like what are you looking for in a relationship. It has forced me to do some serious thinking, and I guess that is good. I just find it funny that I am not particularly interested in a relationship right now, and the women are writing me, while Deno is, and she can't get the first word. And she is cute while I am a goofy looking fat guy. Anyway, I hadn't posted much recently, so I thought I would drop a note in and say howdy. I am touring Texas this weekend. Katie and her cousin are headed to Houston to spend the weekend with Becky's dad for father's day. I am headed first to Dallas to help my brothers and spend a wad of cash. Then on Saturday I will swing by Nacogdoches to see some friends. It takes me an hour or so out of the way on the way down to Houston, so I will be there Saturday night. Then on Sunday it is the Astros game followed by taking Katie and Nick back to San Antonio. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ginnyde Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Curtis, I know the time is too short for a 'relationship'. But I encourage you to move forward for many reasons: usually someone that has been happily married wants to get married again - that is a tribute to Becky and also, I am sure that Becky would like another woman in Kate's life, to help her with 'womanly' things like proms, etc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elaine Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Curtis, Having lost my mother at nine, I can say the book is of great value. Glad you are reading it and I bet someday Katie will read it too. I haven't had the courage to open the book since my DX, but I am sure I will try and I will someday give it to my daughter. As far as the relationship thing. As hard as it is for me to imagine my family without me, I do hope my husband goes on to find love. I also hope the person can have a meaningful relationship with my two nearly grown children. Be so careful to make sure of that Curtis. For Katie and for Becky. Stepmotherhood is something only some people can do well. elaine Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Snowflake Posted June 16, 2004 Share Posted June 16, 2004 Curtis, My advice on a relationship is to find a woman that can deal with the THREE of you as a package - you, Katie and the memories of Becky. That will NOT be just "any woman". Most of us (women) are prone to jealousy of some kind and with an ex-wife, flaws are apparent to keep a new wife grounded, but with a ghost of a memory, it would be much harder on the "second runner up" - for one, knowing that your first choice would always be to have had your first wife live. My thought would be to join something that is not "romance oriented", but a place where you can register for a penpal, someone to "talk to" and not have to worry about all that "relationship stuff" that you admit to not being ready for. Out of curiosity, are you in any kind of grief counseling? Parents without partners? Be cautious, don't rush in to something because you are lonesome, the results could be disasterous, not only to you, but to Katie. I empathize, Becky Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted June 16, 2004 Author Share Posted June 16, 2004 At least, not yet. I think things are going as well as could possibly be expected. Katie has regressed on potty training from time to time, but it is better this week. And that is normal. And I am doing pretty okay. I have a lot of support around me. My brother calls every night, putatively to talk about our fantasy baseball team, but really also to check on me. And my classmates are nothing short of ridiculously wonderful. So I am in pretty good hands. (Some of them are psychology degree holders as well as phd students, so while they are still emotionally attached to me, there is some professionalism to their advice and thoughts as well. So maybe I am getting counselling, but not formally) One of the things I do for people with the first message in the open communication is send them here and tell them to read my posts over the last three months, as many as they want. If they can't tell that the three of us are a package deal, then they are pretty dense, and I will work that out quickly enough. Ultimately, the most important role my next wife will have is that of stepmother and hopefully mother, too. I view this almost as journaling. When I get a tough question, it forces me to think through issues before there is a gigantic emotional attachment. And so I get my big toe in the water, and that is plenty for now. Anyway, I need to run pick up Katie. The swimming pool, it beckons. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mhutch1366 Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Curtis, I can't tell you how happy I am that you've stuck with this family. It means a lot to me to see how you're picking up and moving on, dealing with life and Katie ... I had to seriously contemplate my girls being motherless, and at this point, perhaps motherless someday in the not forseeable future, but perhaps accomodating a stepmother. This is how you as a caregiver and now widower are being supportive of me. It also does my heart good to hear that you're still thinking, and to see how positively you are dealing with things. I'm certainly proud of you, and you don't need me to tell you Becky would be too. I want to thank you for giving me thoughtful insight.... XOXOXOXOX Prayers, always... MaryAnn Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
karen335 Posted June 17, 2004 Share Posted June 17, 2004 Curtis, Just my two cents here, for what it's worth. If I were to meet a widower with a small child such as you. I would welcome you, the child and also the lost spouse. Reason, I can accept you and your child and I feel, be a good parent. As far as lost spouse, it is a memory for you and I would respect your feelings and I wouldn't have any problems with that. I would know the situation in advance because you and I would have talked about it before endulging into a relationship. I would know your feelings and concerns and you would know mine. There can't be a jealousy there, because it is a memory. It's not a physcal person. It's not a divorce, there was love there when the two of you became separated. It would be an effort on your part to not compare your new partner to Becky. Remember your new partner is not Becky and that would hurt to be compared. It will take time to really be sure your new relationship is right for you and Katie. Just don't rush or let anyone influence you. You and only you will know when it is right... Special prayers and thoughts for you and Katie, God Bless and hugs for you both, Karen Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted June 17, 2004 Author Share Posted June 17, 2004 Not comparing another relationship to ours will be the hardest part. Becky is well along the way to canonization in my family; my dad did one of the eulogy's at her memorial service and its theme was comparing her life to Jesus's. My sister-in-law is desperate for me to start dating (this is somewhat a joke and somewhat not) so that someone else can wear the mantle of woman who doesn't live up to Becky for my parents. Bonnie has been saddled with it for a decade and is ready for it to pass on. Throw in the fact that Becky and I were college sweethearts, so there is not like I have a whole gamut of relationships to draw on. So I think Snowflake is right that jealousy will be a really big potential problem - hers for not having any and mine for finding the balance between honoring Becky for me and for Katie without fostering that jealousy. Maryann, as Peter said to Jesus, to whom would I go? My favorite thing to do is to be around people who also loved Becky. And I could stop trying to help people with this disease and their family members and survivors, help that is awfully selfish in that I get more from it than I give, but why? Nope, I am here for the long haul. I plan on moderating the grieving forum for decades, plan on doing the taxes for Katie and Rick until this site is so large they have to hire an accountant (and don't even think it, you can't afford me once I have my phd ) This fits the bill of so many things in my life - honoring Becky, but not living in the past. So I am proud to be here. And will be here as long as I am wanted. Thanks for the kind words and sage advice. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Andrea Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Curtis, I am so in awe of how strong you are! I am so proud to "know" you through this website! You are going to find a new partner and while she won't be Becky, she will have different unique qualities. One way to curb the jealousy issue is to just not vocalize everything you are thinking, you know, like how most men operate You may think in your head "becky would do this better", but just don't say it and realize that each person has limitations. If you ever want to talk to someone who is a pro at on line dating, please PM me! I met my husband on line; my ex boyfriend who I dated for 2 years on line; and one of my best friends in the world who is a doctor in Beverly Hills on line I am probably around your age, I am 32. Best of luck and keep putting one foot forward! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 Hi, Curtis, I was thinking of you while mowing grass today. Just a couple of things. You may have gotten so many hits because the male:female ratio of the website is weighted. But as for your popularity, of course, you are already proven marriage material. A good husband, a good father, a good future ahead of you, smart and sweet at times. You are what women want when they register at e-Harmony. I suppose. Another thing, your story is so touching, of course people will respond to you. No rush. You want to develop naturally, not reach out moreso from need. I did an online thing a long time ago but I would give you a caution - don't go too fast. And if someone starts gushing I love you my soulmate before all the facts are in, that is a major clue, something else is going on there besides your marvelous personality. Take your time, enjoy, and I am quite sure you will be just fine. You picked a winner the first time, when it is time again, after a while, I know you will do what is best for all. You are such a help to people here, I wish you every happiness, and I do believe it will come, in it's own time. PS I have read that in Victorian times a woman was expected to wait 3-4 years, a man for 3-4 months. Maybe a man needs a wife, especially a man who was happy with his wife. Anyway, you will know what is right for you. Trust your deepest feelings. And don't bring any of them into your daughter's life unless you are fairly sure of them - protect her. Hope I haven't been too personal. I kind of feel like I know you a little from your posts. Good luck. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna G Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Curtis , when you are ready, you might want to try this site. My niece is engaged to a wonderful guy she was matched with here. http://www.catholicmingle.com/ or http://www.avemariasingles.com/Ave-Mari ... -staff.cfm warm wishes. Donna G Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Remembering Dave Posted June 18, 2004 Share Posted June 18, 2004 Curtis, my cousin, Cindy, died at age 38 four years ago July 18 from breast cancer. She left behind three small children. Her youngest was the only girl and was only three years old. Cindy fought the breast cancer hard for a year, I don't think there was one week during that time she wasn't doing some form of treatment, even a stem cell transplant. Anyway, her husband is not a bit like you. He never treated her with much respect, bossed her around, etc., and in general is just a very self centered SOB. Four months after her death he was dating a girl he met in a bar and seven months later they were married. The new wife is a pretty good mother to these kids, as far as I can tell (they live in another state so I just have to go by what my Aunt, Cindy's mother, observes). She is a bit of a drill sergeant but also keeps the SOB in line something that Cindy never could do so that is good. The little girl seems to be doing OK and doesn't have really any memory of her mother. But the new wife is really good at getting the kids to their various activities, helping them with homework, getting each of them through their catechism (sp?) and first communion, etc. etc. I'm not comparing you at all to this SOB, but I do think that, if you have the right perspective and I think you do, what you are doing is a good idea. Here's another perspective of why: I have two bosses, both 40 years old. My female boss was married with three small children, ages 1, 3 and 6 at the time three years ago this fall, when her 37 year old husband died suddenly of a heart attack. She took a month off from work to get all the affairs in order and I think to get her head back on straight. When she came back, she had a plan. She got a babysitter every Thursday night and went out. She'd go to a movie with girlfriends, to a bar, to a concert, whatever. After a few months she starting meeting and talking to guys and dating. She called this her "research" phase. Her intent is to eventually remarry, but since she had been with her husband for so long she didn't want to jump into anything, but she decided the best way to know what is right for her is to take her time and date and get to know people. She's doing great, and now, three years later, she's dating a guy she said she can see marrying, but not within the next year - but she can see herself dating him that long and it eventually working into something. From all of this, I think that if you start meeting and dating, it's good for you to have grown up activities without Katie on occasion, and it's also a good way for you, like my boss, to get a feel for what you are looking for in a future spouse. If you wait some prescribed length of time and then say, OK, now I'm ready to go find a wife, I think it will be disappointing because you're already behind in the game. I hope this makes sense, and sorry to ramble on for so long! Karen C. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kimblanchard Posted June 18, 2004 Author Share Posted June 18, 2004 I mainly started this thread to recommend the book, but thanks for all of the advice. It is good to have so many people looking out for me. I think before I meet any woman that is e-mailing me, I will send all the communication to Snowflake so she can verify that it is a worthy person to meet. Okay, Becky? I trust you. I am in Dallas tonight, then darting to Nacogdoches tomorrow on my way to Houston, so I can bring Katie and her cousin back from seeing Becky's dad this weekend. So if you don't hear anything from me, it is not that I am not thinking of y'all. Curtis Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BeckyCW Posted June 19, 2004 Share Posted June 19, 2004 Curtis, You sound like you have your head on real straight! Of course, Becky would never have married you to begin with, if that were not the case. I just wanted to add my two cents, that you are being a good father and a good friend to all of us here. Thank you. BeckyCW Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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